Being an admin of a fairly popular roleplay would make most people very happy. A lot people want to be admins and create wonderfully active roleplays.
I didn't come into this place by wanting that initially. It was an addiction to this new third point of view, multiple sentence, alternate universe, survival and fighting focused roleplay. I was addicted. When the roleplay died to an admin leaving, I took it over, my addiction was not finished. And since then I have been admin of the Hunger Games roleplay for over a year now (14 months now).
The roleplay grew quickly into a paragraph and multi paragraph roleplay. I made many friends and at first I was skeptical and had a very hard time making friends. I still do have a hard time.. but I feel like as if though I've started to grow part of the family now. Although, I don't know what people thought of me throughout my time as an admin, I didn't really feel part of the family. I talked to very few people. And most people that I spoke to was only on business matter.
Even the fellow admins and I were distant. I only spoke to them for business matters. While I had noticed they had made various friends, I had a total of two friends that I spoke to often in a friendly manner. Some people tell me they look at me and saw someone popular. I saw no such person. I was merely an admin, thus spotlighted. In fact, it was mostly my fault for being so socially faulty, because I ended out of character conversations quite quickly for I had nothing to say or didn't know what to say. Luckily now I've grown much closer to my co-admins as friends.
I have made more friends as time passed but even so I still felt left out on some topics or with some people. We acted friendly and family-like, but we still didn't know each other nor spoke often. So honestly I was confused by the friendliness but I kept up the facade of being a family member, maybe it was better to pretend than face the reality.
I feel only recently (within the past few months) I've started to really make more friends. Even so I am still distant from most people and not considered as a good friend. But I have made some friends that I consider very dear to me.
Being an admin who is almost always online I had to deal with most of the tributes initiation. And being so, they would usually come to me for questions. The worst part is I'm usually the person people come to when they are thinking of or telling me they are departing from my roleplay. Despite what they say, I blame myself for their departure. I do. I always do. I should have made the roleplay more fun and exciting. I should have kept the game shorter to keep the activity level high. I should have participated more. I should have talked to them more often. I should have answered their questions quicker. I blame myself for not keeping you entertained all the time.
Seeing people leave, even if I didn't know them well or they were rather new, hurts me. Especially if they leave without a reason, or with a bland reason. I've seen people who love roleplays tough it over no matter what or ask for hiatuses because they want to be a part of the roleplay. So I can only understand is that you were not intrigued by the roleplay in enough to stay. I try to make the roleplay as fun and structured as possible to keep things moving. Sometimes people are bothered by the immense amount of structure the Hunger Games roleplay has, but this is just how it works.
Most people tell me why they are thinking of leaving, and I just.. what I am supposed to say? People don't realize that I get this kind of message from so many people that it's just overwhelming to me. And awhile back ago there was a 'wave' of people wanting to leave, some left, while others the feel surpassed. The wave happened again not too long ago, but the feelings mostly passed. But again here it is again, this damned, cursed wave of people telling me they are having bad thought. Thoughts of leaving.
I don't want you to feel bad if you are one of these people who have told me such, whether it be at all in time or recently.
But the feelings overwhelm me. I mean it's hard enough when one person tells me, but when I get multiple on the same day, or the same week. This is extremely difficult especially if I considered or started considering you as a friend or family.
You see... Throughout my life, I've had people who promised to stay close with me.. leave me. And.. .. I actually started crying right now.. --My dad left me when I was young, promising to come back after a few months. But he never did. I went to live with him for a few months when I was 5, but I realized how he didn't care about me. He fed me whatever I wanted and it got to the point where I got extremely sick. And something very bad happened there.. to which is why my dad.. is .. he's a murderer. And whether you believe me or not, this is my truth. My best friend since before I can remember left me as she became more social and left me behind while I was still in grade school. My closest friend, since I was 7 years old, up until I was 15 years old, left me. When we were 10 she moved away to a city about an hours drive away. Even so we saw each other every vacation, every weekend. I practically lived at her house during some of the vacations. When we were 13 her friends turned against her, she dropped out of school, and became depressed. I alone stood by her, and helped her come out of her depression. Every year I tried to get her to come back to school. I finally succeeded by getting her to join highschool as a freshmen. She became, as expected, social, she was always pretty and easy to get along with. But I was left behind. I know shouldn't regret it because I wanted her to go back to school, for her future, but.. I wonder if everything I've done for her, all our memories together even mattered to her. Although I make various friends all the time, I have never really made a close friend other than those people. Levels of closeness vary, but I feel as if I'm a different person as I'm trying to gain friends.. just for the simple matter of not feeling alone.
I'm a person who blames myself for things. Even when people say it's not my fault, really there is no way to change how I believe things. My past hurts me. My present hurts me. But I am hopeful for the future. Yet, I feel the present changing sometimes... but I see it's only a fantasy and it will always hurt. Every good person, every good moment, remains a memory. But those memories are always so short, and they cannot seem to overcome the pain that it leaves.
I just don't know what to say anymore. I give you the facts, the reasons, maybe some comfort if I can. I've had to go through this so many times. I myself have had the fleeting thought of leaving. But I cannot do such thing. Ever. Yet here I am being left alone, again.
I realize this blog sounds rather selfish on my part. Not dwelling into the parts that some people who leave have their problems. I realize this too. But that doesn't change that it hurts.
I apologize for every wrong I've given. I will do better to make this roleplay, one you never forget and won't ever leave. This roleplay is my heart.
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