apologies.

first off, i wanna apologize for not being consistent with my replies and chatting. i appreciate everyone's patience with me.

this purpose of this blog...well, it's more of a venting session for me?
i don't expect anyone to read it or respond; these are simply things i wanna write down to get off my chest, ha.

- it's almost sad how often i compare myself to others. i mean, heck...even my older sister. she's married, happy, and has the most adorable little girl (my sweet niece!). she has a house, a stable job, friends from childhood and high school and college whom she still vibes with... i live at home with my parents to save up money, i've never been in a relationship before, and i just feel...lost. like i have no purpose. of course, everyone is on their own timeline in regards to life events, but- i dunno, i feel like i'm behind. (when inquiring whether i had a boyfriend or not, my aunt blurted out "do you like girls?!" to which i almost didn't know how to respond because a) why does me not having a man in my life automatically make me gay? and b) so what if i was gay? that whole thing didn't sit well with me. why /do/ i have to be in a relationship? why can't i find happiness in the single life through other things?)
- not that i didn't already know this, but i don't have many friends. like, at all. when the few i talk to go mia or get busy, i just sit here like...oh . i'm friendless!!! usually, i do my same routine of scrolling through apps and youtube and reading anyway, but when i don't fill in those gaps with silly convos or memes, i'm just...off. i have no people from school i communicate much with (like hardly ever! and i never meet them in person, ha. how sad). and, sometimes, i feel more like a therapist than a friend. ><
- i've officially been diagnosed with depression. again, not like i wasn't already aware, but my doc has been switching around my meds (i'm on test med number 3!) because i haven't been seeing any results. lately, i've been extra irritable, lightheaded, nauseous, in pain with headaches, and overwhelmed...(it's weird- like 3 people could be talking at once and i just can't handle it). in addition, i've been an insomniac. it's absolutely frustrating. i get so exhausted and lay down to sleep, but sleep doesn't want me. i used to be able to nap during the day to kinda help catch up, but not anymore...my mind just doesn't turn off.
- since last sunday, both of my parents have been sick. i'm not sure exactly what they have, but either way, i've been doing everything around the house for them, all while still going to my job and working. (laundry, dishes, medications, making sure they have soup and hydration, etc etc etc.) what do i get in return? my dad yelling at me every day for stupid, little . a) asking him why he didn't wanna use the coffee mug i got him for christmas, b) not getting up fast enough to look at the /deer/ that were lying in the snow outside, c) accidentally filling up the coffee machine with too many coffee grounds, d) throwing a wrong item in the recycling bin...and the list ing goes on. well, now, i've been under the weather, too (probably since thursday) and has anyone given a or offered to help /me/? no! i'm on my own...still looking after them while i'm sick myself. :^] i don't expect anyone to bow down to me...but can you at least not yell or act like i haven't been trying to get you guys better?

i probably didn't even touch on some of the things currently going on...nor did i probably explain the things i did list properly, but i'm so tired of it all. 

anyway, if you got to the end, congrats!!!! i wasn't even sure /i/ would make it to the end, lol.