(hes probs reading this rn, but idgas. I legit do not care anymore. I'm done.... and for the sake of him, i left him anonymous. When I dont talk about Harley or Devin, i'm talking about him)
{trigger warning to some who are sensitive to these topics}
I think i lost a best friend today, unless things change. Which i know their not. I've known him for three years now. Hes one of my closest friends. And i've let him know that. A couple days ago, i found out he was potentially going to commit self harm. I literally wanted to faint. I just couldnt even believe it. I have such a tough time coping with things like this when my friends commit self harm. One of my other best friends cuts when things get really bad with her family. I dont think she understands how much this affects me. I cant tell her that because she'd think i was being selfish or that I dont understand. But I do, and it makes me cry because I can't do anything about it. Her friend tried to commit suicide. twice... he was in the hospital for three months for I think it was potential overdose. That scared me so much.... I couldnt even respond when i was told. I was shocked... i had no clue that that happened.... And now a couple days back I hear about my best friends's potential self harm....I literally don't know what i'd do if he started cutting, or commited suicide. I'd die. I literally would be so out of it i wouldnt want to do anything anymore. He's like a brother to me. We've known each other forever. And hearing this come from him, was incredibly scary. So I wrote him a note. I told him that if he ever needed to talk he could talk to me because I didnt want him to have to go through what others have to. He didnt respond or talk to me about it, but I knew he read it. I didnt expect him to say anything, nor did I want him to. I usually dont do stuff like that, its just not me. But he meant enough to me for me to reach out to him. Thats how much he means to me.
The next 2 days after, me, my other other best friend Devin, and this kid named Harley go to geometry during lunch. I dont know how we got on the topic of him, but all of a sudden we were talking about uality, and Harley asked for his #. I didnt know harley was gay until after, because I dont assume anything, i've never talked to him before, and i was never told he was gay. So I gave him his number, because I didnt know he wanted to hook up, i just thought he wanted to be friends. I had no clue Devin told Harley about his uality. Until I got 18 messages after school. He was ranting to me about how he was pissed at us for telling Harley his uality and hooking him up with him. I really didnt understand until Devin called and told me that she had told Harley his uality. So now i learn all this. If i had known Harley's intentions, i wouldnt have given his number to him. But I was upset with this person (not devin or harley) because he assumed I told Harley when I didnt. He didnt bother asking. He had heard that apparently I told Harley, which I did not because I dont tell people others' secrets when they are confidential, and thought that it was okay to rant to me about how upset he was about it. So about 10 minutes later I texted him back (since I had a clarinet sectional) saying that he didnt know and not to assume, and then he rants to me about how much stress hes under because hes worried about his acceptance in society and how to come out to his family and how stressed he is with school, etc. I was incredibly upset at this, and said I woudnt talk to him anymore until the next day. I literally was very depressed after i came home. I thought he knew better than to assume about me. He knows how sensitive I am about that topic. I didnt want to talk to anyone, and no one wanted to talk to me....
The next day (today), I come to school and all seems normal. I talk to devin to see when we should talk to AJ, and when lunch came in, we did. We pulled him into the hallway to talk about what happened. I told him what really happened. I try to work things out. Devin wants to take the blame, which she did and should have in the first place, but that wasnt good enough for him. He said he was still mad at me, just a little bit less. I asked him frustraitingly why he was still upset at me. "I dunno....I can't explain it." Was his answer. I literally wanted to punch a ing wall. Here I am trying to resolve the situation, and every time i say something to him, he replies with a shrug of the shoulders. He gave me no respect whatsoever. I told him that I was trying to work things out and that he should just shrug his shoulders with an answer. I get the same answer when I ask him again. I hit my breaking point right then. I stormed out of the room, and went to go pack up my things. Devin soon followed me after to my geometry class. She told me that she tried to continue talking to him, but he blew her off, and walked back into the lunch room, pretending as if nothing had happened, and started laughing at whatever was said in the band room. It was as if he was completely uneffected. As if I meant NOTHING. I walked out of my geometry class and went to my tech class where I started to cry. I CRIED. I never cry, especially at school... It was then I realized how little i actually meant to him, that i was just a problem that could be easily shrugged off. I guess i valued our friend ship too much? I'm sorry that i thought that since we had been best friends for 3 years and we've been through thick and thin , we could work anything out. I guess not huh...silly me. I just cant believe that he pretended nothing happened. We had spanish next period and we sit right across the aisle from each other. Of course we both ignored each other, i wasnt expecting anything out of that. I just sat there, depressed and not saying a word, while he was all happy and cheerful, laughing and smiling like he always has. Not affected whatsoever by what happened. I felt sick. I felt like going home and locking myself in my room. I dont know how to handle losing important friends. I just cant. So to do what I usually do when times are like this, I dont eat. I put a smile on my face for my family, and i dont eat. Keeps my mind off of things right? hunger is the best solution. Im still going to work out to lose weight, but i probably wont eat. Not unless im forced to.... I think it might be over between us unless he apologizes. That has happened once out of all our fights...im always the one to apologize, even if I didnt do wrong. But this time....This time I wont. Maybe then he will learn how to treat his friends or his future friends. Devin tries to cheer me up by telling me its not that big of a deal, but it is. It is when a friend treats you like . Like you are nothing. That the last three years that we've been through meant nothing....I have problems too you know. My dads a drunk, my mom is hardly ever home to fix things, school is stressing the out of me and im taking more advanced classes that he is, my sister doesnt understand how i feel and has her own problems, my family doesnt understand me and i have to put an act on in front of them because i'm afraid to show my true self to them, and im very self conscious about my weight so I often go without eating, more often than anyone knows... Its not all about him, he makes it seem as if his problems are the only one out there. Well their not. I have my own problems too. Its not all about him. But i cant believe i realize this all now, when its too late to do anything about it. So i sit here at home crying my eyes out and not having anyone close to me to talk to because they wont understand what i'm going through. That hes not the only one going through right now. But thats alright, my problems are always last, no one cares about my problems. Maybe I should just get used to that feeling of not having anyone to talk to, seems like a better thing than thinking i have someone to talk to when I dont. I'll just be here sitting at home like the worthless piece of friend i am.
sorry for wasting your time, i suggest forgetting i ever said this.
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