I'm sorry to those of you I've been freaking out here, on facebook, and tumblr with gobs of depressing and self-put-down posts, pictures, and quotes. Every once in awhile I just get uber sad, I don't know if I should call it depressed because I know people who have been depressed, or even take medication for depression, so I'm not sure if I can call my moods that. I guess I can say its my hormones, I'm a late teen and a female so I guess maybe just mood swings.
Really though, I can't help but feel let down and sad sometimes. I feel like I'm always trying to meet up to everyones expectations, and where does that leave me? I don't know. A confused place. I try to be honest. If I'm asked something I don't like the answer I would give, I don't answer it directly but give a run around. I keep secrets. I can't lie. I try not lie anyway. I'm only human.
I suppose I'll be changing my dp here and on facebook back to normal soon. It's just, I feel so emotional these days. I try to keep busy with work, but my mind just waunders into deep and dark thoughts. I can't keep working on one thing only, so I switch around between mutiple tasks. So I'm sorry for things that I've said I'd do but haven't finished yet.
On the brighter side of things 8D I got a tablet for Christmas! I've never, ever, ever owned any type of device that could have 'apps' on them. Given that I had my first phone in the fourth grade, and yet I still own crappy phones. But like, so the past few days I've kinda been obbsessing over apps since I'm like first-timer. And its very addicting to play those little games that have no meaning to my life and yeah OTL
With all the money I have earned over the summer I never actually really bought myself anything with it. The bigger things I bought was a laptop for my mom, a microwave for my mom, various gifts for friends and families birthdays and Christmas presents. And I feel weird whenever I get the idea to buy myself something. I feel happy buying things for others and just thinking about happy they'll be. Of course then I also think that they're going to hate it and just pretend they like it so that I don't feel bad or wasted my money. But... I still have something I've been wanting to buy for someone and I never have the guts to go talk the shop owner because there's always a line, and they look intimidating. I have other plans for other people that I've still yet to buy things for (cause I haven't seen them yet, or I don't see them).
OTL This blog is all over the place. But I suppose I just have things I want/need to say. So whoever is actually still reading this, sorry, and xD You must really be interested in me *winkwink* to be reading all this nonsense /shot
Anyway, I was just saying the other day on facebook how I am the problem for my nonsocial life. I realize I have friends at school, and friends around town, and cousins my age, that all wish to hang out with me sometimes. I complain about how I have no social life and I never go out places with my friends. But I realize I'm always rejecting or getting out of those offers one way or another. Tooth and nail I fight to get out of going to those social gatherings, especially if they're one-one-one. So I realize I must not be /that/ bad at making friends and seeming interesting if people actually want to hang out with me. The problem is me, I don't want to hang out with them OTL. Because why do I need them when I have all you precious people /shot
I'm thinking in the future. How the hell am I supposed to make friends at the college and university I go to in the future? I won't have as much time to play around on online so I'll need to talk to people in the flesh eventually. I just don't really see it, if I keep pushing people away in the now.
So erm, this summer. Cough. I'm planning to go down to California. I actually don't have a real plan to do it. Maybe KCON. Idek. Maybe just visiting, being a tourist, whutever. BUT I REALLY WANT TO MEET SOME OF YOU PEOPLE, AND I KNOW CALI IS A HOTSPOT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE. Like, srsly I know I've briefly mentioned it to like four of you before. And sorry to about that, I did plan to go this last summer, but parents these days you know /shot But I really want a plan. Becuz how to meet up. And do things. And most shiz cost money, err Idek whut I'm talking about. A major group hug with each other and then thats it idk. I really want to do stuff. Like I've heard of people making large group meets with people online and welp. ;A; Most people I'm friends with here are so young, I'ma be so misplaced. I'm just worried about people thinkin' I'm a creeper becuz of age differences xD I'd be worried about how fat and ughley I look (because I am, and no matter whut you tell me I can't really change about how I perciveve myself so .-.), but some of you have aleady seen me due to facebook, or skype, or tinychat, and well I'm not gunna get any prettier so I'm just more worried about age and whut we'd do and how awkward we'd be.
Have you seen L.Joe's new hair? like omf, I'm not even L.Joe biased but *^* And omq. Teen Top's entire new concept is so akdfjaskdjf *///* Now Changjo couldn't look more lovely with his natural black hair. My bby. (Now I am Changjo biased. And if you even know me at all xD You'd know that. And Teen Top is high up there ._.v). Like, Even Chunji looks fine. omq (sorry Chunji-biased ppl, but /shot). Ricky looks better than usual, altho he's always lookin' pretty good ;3; Niel and C.A.P are meh, but good OwO
Like srsly tho. I am really sorry about acting all depressed previously. I know I'm not entirely out that phase. I mean just thinking about, I get all ugh. When I forget I'm better, but I'm typing about it right now so I suddenly feel ugh. you know. whut i mean.
In regards to being a mod on here. I feel like people don't know about me or any of the mods in general. So like, I'm not sure how to get my name out there other than asking people to like send an SOS blog out to all their friends. I just want people to know that I'm here, if needed be. Me, and the main mod Jason (Nichiren), and mister tainted (omq, hey, I just noticed I'm the only female mod /shot). People tend to not we're here. It's not that I want to be needed all the time, because that would be chaos. But for those who need it, I'm here. I can help mediate problems and warn people. I'm not going to ban people on the spot becuase... in most cases thats not how things work. But if needed be, after warning and all else (talking and mediation) fails, banning. And also there are other things like roleplays and people who post bad content. I search for those kind of things to remove them, but I only have so many eyes and so much time, which is why people need to report things to me. But like. I feel like after gaining mod status one of two things happened. People either started talking to me out of nowhere trying to be beffies, or they completely steered clear of me. Now, the latter bothers me, but I don't mind people trying to be friends with me. But be aware that not everyone can get along with me. And as high and mighty as I think I am (I don't okai ;A;) I can't be friends with everyone. I've gotten tons of friend requests after I became a mod. And I had just cleaned my friends requests not long after I became a mod. I won't accept friend requests unless I recognize the username or you take the time to post on my wall (but even then erm. awkward. cuz like. yeah. most of the time.). I'm not looking for trouble by asking people to acknoledge that their are mods on this site, and asking them to know who the mods are. But i just want them to know. ;3;
So erm. Wow. I doubt anybody is reading this all the way to the end (honestly if I see a long blog with no general direction, chances are I wouldn't finish reading it either xD)
and.give DamnDaehyun a hug; ;A; that poor bby is so stong and courageous always having to deal with crap but never asking for help or never asking for me to deal with them problem makers. i want to help more, but instead i'm gathering huggers because anyone could use of hug during hard times.
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