Not Roleplaying

I'm not roleplaying for a few days. Possibly more. One of my best friends here died two days ago. I was talking to him that day. We were having a good time, talking about his favorite show, Supernatural. And then I told him I had to go because I had a big weekend. I was dancing and having fun, when he was dead already. I can't even explain all the guilt I feel. This is horrible. I keep thinking, "No. This can't be real. He'd going to log on and say GOTCHA" but no. It's real. I can't.... I can't even cry properly because it'll scare the little girl I watch every day. My heart hurts.