Unfair

Unfair.

It’s unfair how much I want to see and touch you once again, but you’re out of my reach far too fast. I’m wishing that I’m strong and brave enough to, as well venture on to the world by myself, and get a chance to see you again. I know I’m being selfish, by saying the words ‘come back’, but this feeling of turmoil inside my chest creates an ache I can’t ignore. Yet despite you cause me, I can’t help the smile that blooms on my lips every time I see you. I want to hate you for that, for making my heart beat faster, for making my breath get caught on my throat and my words lost before they leave past my lips. So now I write out these words because I can no longer bear the pain of simply pronouncing the words. I want to hate you, but instead you drag me down this ‘love’ that I so much wish to despise.

 I know I shouldn’t be trying to harbor ill feelings towards someone who’s always been so sweet, caring and loving to me, but you make me feel the greatest pain as well. I want to shout and cry out in anger for having left me behind to follow your dreams. Again, I’m selfish. I probably would’ve done the same and I know that just like I did to you, you would’ve supported me and told me ‘it’s your chance, go for it!’, but I know I would’ve been left with a hole in my heart as well.

This emptiness, this loneliness scares me and I can’t help but to wonder, do you feel it to? Do you suffer just as much as I do? Did you love me just as much as I loved you?

I’m afraid to know the answer, I’m afraid that none of it meant anything to you. Every day I want to lay down on my bed and simply go to sleep, in hopes that when I wake up I’ll find that this is just a nightmare. I want you back to my side, yet you are so far.

Soon, I too will be able to leave everything behind to chase my own dreams, but is it bad that you are a dream I want to chase as well? Is it so wrong that I just want your arms back around me and those lips whispering the same sweet, loving words again?

Soon, it will be my turn to leave and just follow my path, but you still haunt me. I want to be able to say “I’m done with you. You mean nothing anymore. You’re nothing but a memory.” But I know those are lies that I spew. You’ve always read me like an open book, so would you be able to see through my lies and call me out on it, or just like last time would you let me so stupidly lie and pretend that you believed me.

It’s unfair how much I have to suffer and just hope I can wrap my arms around you once more, when you are living out your dream, having the time of your life.

I think about you every day and I try to keep myself busy to stop it, hoping that if I distract myself long enough I’ll be able to forget you. But I know it is futile. You’ve left your marks deep embed in my being, leaving behind thick scars that now are on display for the world, while you seem to have yours pretty well hidden… or do you have any at all?

Its unfair how much I want touch and kiss you once again, how much I just want to be held in your arms and you are so distant.

It’s unfair how life is so hurtful, so changing and brutal. Because now it has left me on the ground, broken and scared to do anything, hoping I’ll be able to gather enough strength to stand up on my own feet once again.

And so I say,

It’s unfair that you have taken my heart with you, a piece of my soul and left me here, all by myself.

It’s unfair how much I miss you, it’s unfair how much love you.