I do not feel good.

First of all, I've tried to write this every day for the past two or so weeks. I just have the feeling that I need to write something to make myself feel at least a bit better but in the end I just think that it'll go away, maybe I'll just try again later. Now I just can't wait any longer so here I am. Please do not read this if you're not into reading about someone's feelings and constant complaining, it might trigger some people too.

I know I haven't been here for who knows how long. To be honest I miss everyone I have talked to, or just plain roleplayed with. I haven't had to strength to even think about this site because just the word roleplay gives me anxiety. I'm afraid that I've let people down although I'm not even sure why that is. I started roleplaying because I wanted to have fun, an escape from real life and all the stress and feeling bad and mentally tired. At the moment it is not either of those for me, so it has lost its purpose for now. I seriously don't find a reason to do it if it gives me so much stress when I'm trying to get rid of stress. However I'm not going to deactivate, since I am very aware of the good times I've had here. I do love this place, with its pros and cons, not to talk about all the lovely people I've met here. I'm not someone who expresses their feelings easily, and I've possibly been a darn pain in the sometimes, but I just need to tell all the amazing people who have been by my side that I love you. You guys are one of the few people who I can call my friends.

I really do try to visit this place more often to talk to people, and even possibly roleplay through PMs if I have enough time and inspiration to do so. I haven't forgotten any of you, and I promise to try to do the best I can for you no matter what it is.

To other reasons for me to feel awful; it's just like I've fallen into a depression all over again. It's not the same though, in fact it is totally different from the feeling of being depressed. I'm not really sad, it's just that I don't have any reason to do anything. I can't make desicions nor can I sleep well, then again I sleep a lot more than I have slept for years. I just kind of want this all to end, or at least pause, so that I can collect myself and prepare myself for something. I don't even know what it is, but just something. I want to have a purpose in this life. I don't want to live like this, I'm not even out of school and I feel this horrible for the nth time. I can't even count the times I have had a breakdown. Not to talk about the social anxiety, which reminds me of school that is starting tomorrow. I've been waiting for this ever since I was like 9 and now I'm feeling like I could wait a good few months or so. The most terrifying thought is the smallest one, the thought that is so highly unlikely that it's almost to be expected; what if I can't make it? What if the line I'm going to isn't for me, and it's too difficult for me?

Mental pain isn't the only pain I've been through. Thanks to the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with last year, I've been having a lot of infections. At the moment both of my shoulders have some sort of an infection and I haven't been in this much physical pain ever since I had the ear infection. I can't move my arms properly, which is one of the reasons I haven't been roleplaying, and I wake up like every fifteen minutes to the pain and have to change the position, which itself is painful enough for me to cry out.

This must be a lot to read already so I'll just stop now. I'm sorry that I'm putting this in here, I just needed a place to put my thoughts other than my own head.