Who is InfiniteShawol?
This is for whomever would like to know me and those that ask about school.
Hi. My name is Amanda and I'm 19. I was born on December 06, 1994 on the island of Guam. I have one older brother, two younger brothers and I'm the only girl. As the only girl, I was extremely protected by my parents, older brother and one of my really, really close cousins. As I got older, my older brother was getting into fights, arguing with my parents etc. He quit school when he was a junior. Because of that, with me being second oldest and the quiet, smart one, more responsibility fell to me.
Elementary:
I was excited for school. I loved learning and did my homework on time and always got good grades. I was a shy kid, always having something to say, but would never speak up because I was too afraid to be teased. Due to my love of reading and learning, I was much more advanced then my class mates. Because of redistricting, I had to go to a different school when I was going to second grade and I lost my friends. I was able to make one new friend and even though she treated me like a slave and took my snacks, I stuck with her because I figured that's what friends do. That lasted until I was fourth grade when I really, really shyly helped another girl with our class work. Halfway through fourth grade, my ex friend and my new friend went off together and left me saying they didn't like me and thought I was a know it all just because I was able to understand the work faster. Later, the second girl came back and said that she didn't like the first girl because she was too bossy. Eventually, the girl and I became best friends and we were treating each other better.
Age 5-7:
I won't say what happened because really, I prefer only talking about this if I talked with you for a while, but lets just say within these years something happened that was also cause for slight depression and more withdrawal as I got older.
Middle:
When I got to sixth grade, I was even more excited because you know, that's when you hit puberty (around that time anyways). That was also the same year I got glasses. That was also the same year I started cutting myself because my best friend told me it felt good. I thought it just hurt, but when I showed up with the cuts she looked at me and said 'feels good right?' not wanting to lose my only friend, I smiled, nodded and continued cutting. Besides that, that year went by rather well and I was still doing well in school.
When I got to seventh grade, my best friend introduced me to a few other girls. These girls were all out going, had boyfriends and had guys that liked them, skipped class, talked back, got into fights and all that. Gods how I wanted to impress them because I saw the looks they gave me...I heard when they would say how they thought I was too much of a goody goody. So I started screwing up. I skipped class, stopped doing my work, slept in class, talked back (thought not to the extent they did), but...I never got into fights. That was my best friend's thing that I would never get into fights. If someone was pissing me off and we got into a shouting match, they would push me away and fight for me. My best friend moved to the states that year and I was left with my new friends.
Getting to eigth grade, I was still with those girls. Sure, I started talking to one other girl, but this was a girl I hated in elementary and my first two years of middle school, just because she would constantly yell at me over being friends with her sister who was a grade below us. Anyways, she and I only spoke to each other because we had no one to sit with in our classes since we had nearly all our classes together. Still, I stayed with the other girls and continued with skipping, talking back, not doing work etc. by then, I was stuck in that routine.
High School:
Freshmen year, I was still stuck in routine. Sure, I still started hanging out with my past friends, but due to classes, I didn't have any of them. That year was when I was starting to be known among my classmates as the girl who looks smart, but sleeps in class and all that. The girl I started hanging out with in eigth grade (let's call her Kame), she and I hung out more and became friends when we found out we both liked anime and I slowly quit hanging out with the other girls though I occasionally spoke to them in the halls.
Sophmore year. Summer going here was when I got into kpop, but it wasn't so much at first. Kame and I were still friends and she highly disapproved of me not doing my work. I didn't skip anymore, I haven't since middle school, but I still slept in class. That year, we were both in Japanese class and that was one of the only classes I passed that year.
For my junior year, I was still stuck with freshmen credits and had to go to summer school. When I was a senior, I was stuck with junior credits. I had to stay back a year and was a super senior which was just this last year. The problem was...I had made the wrong friends and gotten stuck in being a someone I wasn't. I let the need to impress them and be someone worthy of being their friends overwhelm me. In the end I screwed myself over. By the time I made the right friends, the ones who encouraged me to do good in school and be myself...I was just too stuck in how I was. Kame and her younger sister Usagi (my nicknames for them) became my best friends and did what they could to encourage me to do better. It also helped that I learned of roleplaying which actually helped me a lot.
I was doing my super senior year and I was supposed to graduate with Usagi if I passed...I was failing all my classes. I had been dealing with depression since middle school, which only for worse and once I realized that I had screwed myself up and knowing I wasn't going to grad only fueled it more. I dropped out in March and until now I deal with lectures of disappointment and looks from not only my older brother and parents, but also their friends and my family who thought I was doing so well.
Now, I have to go to adult high school to try and get a diploma to make a better life for myself. If you read all this...well, now you know a bit more about me. For those younger, don't do what I did. Don't let other's shape who you are. If who you are isn't good enough for them, then find friends that like you for you.
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