Just thinking... ;(

I was just thinking... When I apply to jyp ent. And get in hopefully, I'd be under some hard core training because I know I'm not fit. I can dance pretty well, just not perfectly cause of my body. It's not used to moving so much, and getting those sharp moves. I was watching 17 project earlier and finished it. It gave me the idea of just how hard working a group can be and what goes on. At the end.... I was reminded that id be far far away from my own family. And that I would be busy training and practicing and be tired cause I'd be up late into the night practicing. I wouldn't be able to get a chance to talk to my parents that often. I'd be focused on my performance skills and eye contact skills in dancing. I'd be too tired when I do get a chance to talk to my family. I would take videos when I could between practicing. But not being able to see them in person for that long unless I was allowed to come back home, I would definitely feel lonely and upset most of the times because of the distance... I mean... Being an idol looks fun but there's some flaws to it. First of all, back to the audition stuff. I know nothing of it. I should, but I'm that kind of person who just doesn't like reading. I am dumb, not really but I'm slow. I can't pay attention in school. I really can't. Because my passion isn't for school it's for dance. It's to be on a stage where people can see me and watch me do cool things. Yeah, they may see me as a girl because I was born one. But I'm mentally and at heart a boy. And I will not apply to jyp ent. Until I've removed necessary things from my body. I will be honest with them, I'll tell them my story if they ask me. I won't hide who I was living as before. I'm not straight. I don't like girls. I'll hang out with them. But I'm not into them. I like guys, they're more settle. But I've always liked guys more then girls. Sure they have those things between their legs, but that's not my reason to like them. They're just more charismatic and ier then girls. And sure I won't be able to pee like boys do. I could live with that, just until these doctors find a better solution to fixing the male s for transgirls(?). I know nothing about trans-people. I'm new to this. I've pushed this thought away for years. I always thought it was just someone in my head. I've come to realize it that I am a boy. I have boy characteristics, I don't think like a girl does. Take wearing skirts and dresses for example, I don't sit with my legs closed, I don't walk like a lady. I have sense of clothing, but for boy clothes. I like girls jeans better because they aren't baggy. I've hated wearing girl clothes for years. But recently, I've come out to my doctor and to another doctor about what I'm feeling. I've been told to go for some help to be less scared to talk about who I am on the inside. That I'm a boy and not a girl. I've been told by a friend to think about it some more. About surgery for my chest. And going on testosterone. I've thought about it long enough. I'm done waiting. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to suffer in this body anymore, I'm done hating myself. I want to accept myself. I am done being depressed. I just want to be happy. I was asked if j was going to start wearing a chestbinder for the rest of my time until I would be getting surgery. I don't like chestbinders. Even if I only tried one. I don't like how they feel against my skin. I'd try one of those t-shirt looking ones but I have this problem where I can't breathe sometimes and I panic and I get scared of not getting air. I really don't want to wear one because of that problem. Now, pronouns. This is really hard to get used of. I've been called a girl, a lady, a women. It's hard to change. I know. But it's harder on me because I can't speak up for myself. I get too scared to. I can't correct people on what to call me. My friend has been calling me by my boy name I gave myself years ago, Ace. Hi, nice to meet you. She has helped me so much. But I feel like we're drifting away because of the summer, but I always feel like that. I've changed from being a clingy, loud person to a quiet, distant and less clingy person. Because I know people hate me for jumping on them and hugging them. I've been rumoured in grade ten that I was dating my friend because I always had my arm around her and I've always hugged her. Now it's like they broke up and . Sometimes I hate being around people. Like I'll ignore my friends in the hall and just go to class, or something. It's just something I've grown into now, I say less and get ignored; left out, forgotten. Just thinking of being an idol and being transgender.... Gives me anxiety. I feel like I'll get bad comments and . Because I am a transgender gay boy. I would have some problems being an idol. I'd have breathing problems, anxiety probs, possible fainting probs cause I'd be working too hard and not drinking properly. But I forget all of those when I dance. I lose myself in it, it's my ONLY joy in life. I can't find anything else that can make me happy just by thinking of it. Dance is my everything. I mean, I may sing but I . I know. But I don't need hideous bad ugly compliments about it. Just point out where I need to work on then maybe I wouldn't feel like ing crying myself to sleep because I was given ty comments about my ugly singing. I got into music ever since I was born. The first ever thing I've listened to was Marilyn Manson. And ever since then, music has always been there for me when no one else was. It was my only escape from my mental breakdowns. Anyways... Even if I did become an idol, I'd always want to come home to be with my family. Also, I wouldn't mind them coming to see me in Korea. This is related to auditions to jyp ent. I'd probably be the only one taking a plane to Korea. Being alone is my worst fear. I'm personally a clingy sibling towards my sister. She's always helped me through times when I needed help, she was there to listen to my problems and to help. I would go anywhere with my sister if I was allowed to. The first thing I'd do is cry. Leaving my family here in Canada, would be the hardest thing i could ever do. Honestly, before I went on a week trip or something to Kamloops, with a friend and I did not last. This makes me think of how long is last sitting on the plane going to Korea. It just makes my heart ache. Id be countries away from my family and not just a road trip away. I mean I have a friend in Korea but I think I should make more friends just so that I have people to show me around and to help me with Korean. I'm still working on it but I know some words that are spoken in shows and songs, I love the culture too, it's so nice and pretty. Just thinking of being an idol... I'd honestly be kind of like Leo. I don't do cute and I would also kind of be like ilhoon, I don't do skin ship. I would say I'm a mix of those two. I mean... I'm naturally cute when it happens, I know because I've been told. But when I watch myself try to act cute- I just look dumb. OKAY- I'm sorry, I tend to let my thoughts out all at once and it just goes all over the place..... It's hard for me to stay on one topic. I'm easily distracted, so I tend to ignore someone when they're talking to me and wonder about something else.... It's hard thinking about being an idol, there's so much you have to do but I like that style of life. I would complain but I wouldn't give up. I mean, if I had the chance to switch places with an idol just for two days or something, I would take it and see what they have to do. There's some things I wouldn't be able to handle, big groups, like seventeen and suju. Dorm stuff, sharing things. I'm not that kind of person to just let anyone use my things, I am a nice person, I would share but I am claustrophobic person, I can't handle being in one room with so many people. Yeah sometimes I won't mind it- but I'd crack and run out of the room. I like being in big groups but sometimes if we have to be in a room together and it's crowded- I would be in panic mode trying to grasp air. See what I mean about not staying on one thing... My mind is filled with so much.... Sometimes I wonder why I have friends that deal with me........... I'm a hard person to get along with but most of the time I'm easy to get along with, I listen most of the times because I've gotten used to being ignored all the time. At some point I will post more but for now.... I just want to lose myself in the rp world. My head hurts from all the thinking I've done and worries about being an idol. Ok, bye.