The Slump: Trying to get back into Roleplaying.

I guess this is more of a blog post to come to a summary of my missing presence in the roleplaying world and how I've missed out on replies for those waiting for me. I really want to get back into replying to those who've I've exchanged a few replies back and forth but I'm always availible to hit up for a roleplaying. I do and straight, many genres as long as there's .

So I am usually a person who likes to disappear when I get upset, I just want to be alone and calm myself. I can get real emo, I think of disgusting thoughts of myself and well, my negative thoughts don't necessarily filter. It's moments like these when I wish I had gotten that mental health workshop at school that taught about how to deal with those dark thoughts.

There's been a person where I've been roleplaying with a little over a year and in roleplay, that's a pretty long time. We've gotten together to roleplay our favorite pairing since it was mutual on many levels. We both biased the same person and group, did literate roleplaying and casually wrote . They were the ideal roleplayer I had been looking for for all these years. Roleplaying that long, it seemed natural that I connected with my character a lot, sharing the same emotions and morals. When our characters got into their first fight, both my character and I shed tears together. I cried in the morning, the afternoon and the night, thus crying to sleep until the next day we made up and it was all happy again.

It was hard roleplaying with this person because they were six hours ahead of me. By the time I'd wake up for school at 8:00 am, it's the afternoon at their time. They would go to sleep at midnight which was 8:00pm my time and if I was lucky, they'd fall asleep at 2:00am. Doing the best I can, I struggled to adjust my time in order to have time to roleplay with them. It affected my school year, I'd often do my homework late and sometimes get in trouble for roleplaying in class.

The moment I slipped out of roleplaying was when they asked for us to stop roleplaying all together. I didn't think it was that bad since most great things come to in an end and we're all bound to move on. Though, I was baffled by the ridiculous excuses they gave me. 

This roleplayer thought our timezones is not benefiting our roleplaying. Through a whole year, I've adapted to them and though both of us complained much about wanting the world to magically fix itself into the same timezone, we made it work out. Why complain after a year? I was so utterly confused.

This roleplayer gets fed up about me if I skip a day in roleplaying. They claim I do not care about them anymore because I missed a day. Am I not a lowed to take a break? Am I not allowed to have a day for myself to relax and do other things? I've befriended many other people at the time of my roleplaying since we were roleplaying on a platform, and their significant others are not on often as me. Shouldn't they consider yourself lucky? Even on this website, many of the people I am roleplaying with can wait and still expect a reply, as long as one we can communicate why they were away or inform ahead of time. 

This roleplayer has made their character cheat on mines many times and the moment I decide to leave after our finished roleplaying, they immediately get into a relationship with someone else, someone who fits their timezone and most likely their standards. Being connected to my character so much and personally being a sensitive person, I was convinced that I was not enough to make them happy and that they so easily replaced me with someone else. It sounded they were so ready to replace me with preperation. When I feel replaced, I feel unwanted then I start to question if people really love me or care about me as a person and if I really deserve to live in this world. If I am not up to their standards, why not tell me my faults and help me improve? I don't understand.

A few days in, I considered quiting roleplaying all together. It was too much for me. I couldn't stand another moment like that ever again and convinced I lacked social skills. Made sense since I am quite an introvert but with a mask of a person behind the screen while becoming someone that I am not in roleplaying, I can freely communicate with other people. I had a lot of great moments in roleplaying, I don't feel like giving up just yet. 

Maybe I shouldn't let this experience get to me, more like learn from what went wrong and learn to fix it early. 

Though college will be starting soon, I want to get back in to roleplaying and have a habit on replying quickly. 

Hopefully, things will be better this time.