there is no good title for this

I wanted to die. It had been on my mind for a long time. But.. i could never really surrender to that thought. I kept looking behind me. Looking at all that i would leave behind if i would actually die. It wasn’t much. I’ve never really been a successful person. But… There were people.. My Mom. My dad. My two sisters. The few friends i managed to make throughout everything that happened to me. Both in real life and online. People you met online? Do they count as friends? Yes. To me they do. I thought of the things i write. The stories. Fanfics. And the comments i got on those. How they wanted me to keep writing. And how they really liked what I wrote. The kids I see whenever I go out to work at a daycare for my study I still didn’t manage to finish. They are happy whenever I'm there. They make me smile.. for a while… All these little things, they give me enough strength to keep going but… that doesn’t take away that I'm tired. That doesn’t take away that I still want to die. You know.. I know I will never be able to kill myself. Looking at what I've got, and compare it to people who have a life that is way harder than mine. People who are homeless. Starving. Sick. But that still does not take away the fact that deep down… I want to die. I can smile, I can enjoy the little things in life and I can even be happy once in a while. But I think that is the reason that many people do not know how much I really struggle inside. Because.. the happiness doesn’t stay. I see everything I've done wrong, and everything I've done right. And I should let go of that what I did wrong but, it out weights the things I've done right. Or at least it looks that way to me. Here I am, an adult. I should be independent. But I still live with my parents. I should have a job. But I'm still in school. I once dreamed of leaving the country and move to another one. But I'm socially weak and awkward. How could I ever make it out there? I want to make a difference but I'm too damn shy to step up and do something that will make a difference. Why? Because my self-confidence was ripped apart by bullies. Yeah.. people think bullying isn’t bad if you compare it to things like incurable sickness or starvation. They are wrong. Maybe there are different levels. But if they hurt you just enough, it scars your soul for life. You’ll be working the rest of your life to pick up the pieces of what they broke and stepped on. It’s not just mental scars though. I got some physical ones too. And all those bullies. I can remember their names, faces. They probably don’t remember me. They are living their lives and have jobs, partners, they are doing alright. Not me. I'm still stuck. In many different ways I am still stuck. And I thought about giving up so many times. I just can’t do it though. But I also don’t have the strength to keep dragging myself through life every day. It’s hard. It’s really hard to try and keep this up. It’s really hard to try and climb out, be myself, pursue my dreams like I always wanted, when deep inside, I can’t get rid of that one feeling. The feeling that, I'm not really alive. The feeling that, I want to die. The feeling that, I wish that someone would truly understand what I'm going through. Or that someone would at least try. No, above all that, I wished someone would have stood up for me when I was young. I wish someone would have protected me. I wish parents would have taught their children not to beat or curse on other kids. I wish that my teachers would have done something. I wish I would have had at least one person that would have understood the gravity of the situation.

But I wish most of all. That someone would have been Kind and compassionate. And now, that someone is me. I will be kind hearted. I will be compassionate. So that no one else will have to feel this way. So that no one else will live a dead life. So that someone else, can live.