I'm really not sure how to put this or how this may sound to some people but I guess it's just something I want to get off of my chest. It may be a really long read but...bear with me. Please?
Now, first things first. I feel like this is the most important part of this blog, okay? Please don't judge me or anything, okay? I've decided to get more religious. I was born into a family that follows and believes in Christianity. I have nothing against other religions and I would never put down someone else's beliefs because of my own. I am also not the type to force my beliefs on anyone. I am also in no place to do so anyway, not that that would make it right either. I will have more later in this blog as to why but I just want to make those aware here as to what that may mean for me.
Honestly, I seem to have a habit of battling with keeping steady in my faith. I can't say I've lost it completely but I have had my moment where I thought, "Wow. Is it weird that I believe in God? That I believe in a deity that I'm not even sure can hear me? That I believe in a higher power where the only...testimonies(?) of Him and His work are in a book that has been translated and cross-referenced and whatnot so many times that it's hard to know or believe who's telling the truth anymore?" I admit that that has been me. That I have questioned: What if there is no God and I'm making a big mistake? I admit it. The thing is that I'm thankful I don't have stories like how many others have where they had to go through great tragedy to be introduced to God. I have seen others, those close to me, go through trials and tests where they thought they would lose it all or come close to it but have pulled through tremendously on faith alone. Faith in God. I feel like I may sound like a loony bin and I think I'm getting sleepy but I'm a work in progress. I'm trying to strap down my faith and stop wavering so much. There are more consequences to me losing faith completely than to at least not try and put in the effort to become better.
Well, I'm saying all of this to say that I think it may affect the way I roleplay and if I do at all. Role-playing was once the biggest and best stress reliever for me and I have honestly had moments where I truly thanked God for allowing me to find the people I have through roleplay because I've always been kind of a loner and I went through this depression where I was blessed enough to find friends and use my imagination to hell me escape the darkness of my reality. Even though it was all online, and I've rarely had friends that I could actually physically touch, I have had friends. I have felt like I belonged at times. I didn't always feel like I was just a waste of space that was taking up everyone's air. I felt alive and, quite honestly, not dead inside. I have had my points where role-playing has left me damaged and feeling shattered and distant. Even through the web, people can truly make you feel that way and it hurts just as much as someone that you got close to in person doing it to you. The distance doesn't make a difference because it still hurts regardless.
The thing is though that I feel I may end up changing the way I roleplay, for one. What I mean is that I may stop doing and yuri and I may really start to lay off the . I'm somewhat worried and scared that I may eventually just stop role-playing. It scares me because I've thought, for the longest time, that it's been a gift from God that has helped me keep my sanity and helped me to not feel so alone. I'm so detached from actual human experience though, especially now that I've graduated college (and have yet to return), that I have moment where I just feel like I would be fine without human interaction. The thing is that I've tried that and I am 100% sure that I lost my mind for a while. I had anxiety attacks just thinking about going outside where other people are. I had anxiety about leaving my room sometimes. It was that bad. But I kept friends and contact through roleplay. I had one person really work with me, even if it wasn't through physical contact. They made me feel like something. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason and, although they just kind of left me, they were in my life for long enough to do me good. They helped make me better.
No, I don't believe that everyone has to be a Christian to do good. I like to believe that there is good in everyone. It's why I don't judge others for their beliefs, lifestyles, etc. I know what it's like to feel like you're not wanted or accepted and I would never want anyone to feel that way, especially because of me. We all make mistakes and we have to learn. One of my favorite quotes is by Stephen King, the one that says that there are monsters in us and sometimes they win. Sometimes, people just can't overcome the little demon on their shoulder. It's both sad and scary, especially because it's at times only because they didn't have a hand offered to them to find a way out. They just weren't strong enough on their own.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry.
I've just been praying lately and it's honestly because I want peace for the world. I don't like anyone living in fear of what the person next to them can do or what nature can do. I don't want to talk about anything too depressing so I'll try not to, okay? A good amount of the stuff I've read fuels my anxiety but in the sense that I don't want people hurt or dying. Climate change is, although it may sound weird, is something that has really been on my mind lately. I've searched things like if the government is even doing anything to help reverse the effects that humans have caused in the first place. It makes me really angry that there are so many people that want the good for the earth, but so many people are willing to stop them for an extra buck. Cleaner energy is far from a bad idea and it's what we all need, not just for future generations but for our own as well. It really makes me so sad to think that these stupid corporations and such knew what they were doing and how hey we're just allowed to continue with pollution, especially to this degree. How could they not think of, if not everyone else's, their own welfare? It makes me so irate that it's hard to out into words. What good does it do anyone to so-called "advance a society" or whatever if it all has pretty much the opposite effects in the long run?
I keel thinking that if I were to become president, fixing something like global warming and climate change to the best of my ability would be at the top of my list, because that's where everything starts. Humans survive off of what the planets provides for us. You have to work to heal the earth before any other kinds of progress can really be made. I'd be the cruel person to shut down factories that run on anything but clean energy and I'd probably find some way to get rid of cars in some way to help decrease emissions even more...
I'm sorry. This rant is going haywire but...these have been my thoughts lately. I just want everyone happy and healthy and not feeling a need to be afraid. I guess my faith is working to be stronger because, clearly, humans can't do it alone because so many of humans have no heart and/or soul. They run on pride and greed and power and money...It's disgusting. I just want world peace and eternal joy for everyone. I mean that with absolutely all my heart. I always have. I think this it just the first time I've said/written it out...
I'm a work in progress... I just feel so alone with my thoughts lately...I could cry...
If you've read this far, I really do thank you. It means so much more than you know.
PS. If there are any typos, I apologize. I and/or my auto-correct may not have been able to catch them. I may not read this at a later time to fix it because it'll probably just make me all sad and whatnot but yeah. Thank you again. <3
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