Friendship

so i don't usually write blog posts and for good reason, but this time i can't keep it in. i've been here for nearly four years now and whilst there's plenty of people who have been here longer, i've noticed that those members have hit around this time mark and tend to leave and not come back for a long time, between a couple of months to over a year. during that time i've lost the first friend i made here and it ended in a super ugly manner and then it went awkward and now she's gone from here and my life in general. and there's been other people who just fade in and out of existence, we meet, make some minor friendship, mainly chat about our characters if they're roleplaying together at the time but then they usually lose their muse or just aren't interested any more. if they're kind enough they'll leave a message but if not they just go poof and won't reply when i check up on them.

more recently there's been a bout of the terrible friendships again. you'd think i'd learn. i'm not naive, i'm not dumb but i keep hoping people will be different and they just... they're not. i'm not saying i don't have friends or good friends or ones that care. but the numbers are dwindling and when history keeps on repeating itself despite my best efforts, then it leaves me thinking i can't do anything else. and it makes me begin doubting my friends that have stayed. they've done nothing wrong, i always blame myself you know? i assume i've done something wrong to make people feel this way, but i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do... 

i've learned recently that being honest as i've been taught to all my life doesn't help. telling people how they make me feel, when they're hurt me to try help them understand me more just ends terribly. i've lost a friend just this morning, woke up to messages i've only recently stopped crying about and know i'll be upset over for weeks to come. and this comes a few days after, not even a week of losing another friend whom i was also honest with. now i see them around on other roleplays complaining to people about being used and toyed with... well how do i feel? i feel terrible. like its my fault. like i was supposed to do something different. but i've said all i had to say and i don't have time for trying to fix things when people are so intent on just ing them up again. and why is it also one-sided when trying to make an effort in a relationship? i'm so tired of it so what's the point? i just have all these questions and no answers no matter where i look.

so again i'm here questioning the point in everything. i don't want apologies any more, i don't want fickle relationships, i don't want all the lies. i want this place to be happy again, not toxic and poisonous. amongst the want for more roleplaying to be loved and not just chatting and wracking up points for second or third characters we can't handle. no more neglecting other relationships or not telling your roleplay partner at least that perhaps you're struggling and need muse or some help. communication is so important but seems so lost nowadays. i want the old times back, so badly. there's so many other things to say but that's just not gonna happen and i guess most of this is going to fall on deaf ears anyway.

on a slightly better note. thank you to the people who do listen and who try to comfort me. it means a lot and its those things i think about when i'm having terrible days. you guys mean a lot to me and i hope we can talk more as well, for all those who care enough i hope you're having wonderful days and will be by my side for the future days and times to come.

and thank you if you're read this far. that means a lot to me as well

boojae-