New Years Eve

Well, here I am on New Years Eve, crying silently while typing on a tablet.

The actual reason I'm posting this is because after thinking about some stuff, I realized something. When we ask for death we aren't always granted it, yet when we don't ask for it, sometimes we don't have the choice. I'll go into more detail about it in a minute after explaining how I got to this point.

This morning, when I got out of bed, I didn't even realize that it was the last day of the year. I got up, talked to my parents, made breakfast for myself, then did some more things, and then did dishes. My parents were busy getting car insurance, but when they came down, I remembered that my dad was going out with this band and wouldn't be here with me and my mom (and niece) to celebrate the new year. Well needless to say,  me and my mom made plans on what to watch while she cooks soups though out the night. 

Well hours later, around 5ish I think?, a friend asked if she could come over. I forget that on days like new years eve, my mom gets stressed and.. Becomes different. None of you should know this, but my mother has different personalities who 'come out' of her, to put bluntly. Well, she had no problem of this friend coming over, but in the middle of watching our kdrama, she suddenly started talking about going upstairs and not not botherong us because that's all she is. Then she started talking about how she can't handle noise, and I was like okay we'll be quiet, but this person... Wasn't obviously my normal mom. But I didn't realize it. Eventually, I just said fine, blah blah blah I'll start spending the night at her house instead of her coming over here. 

This person went crazy, and told me that I was almost twenty, you can do whatever the hell you want, and continued on and I realized she thought I was threatening her or something. So, I tried to get her attention and raised my voice, which caused her to get angrier and threw her mouse for her computer. She tried to leave and be by herself, and all I could think of was when I was little and my parents would fight and my dad would leave her alone for awhile then he'd have me go with him to the bedroom... We would go in there, and my mom would still be there, but apologising. Except, I once noticed that she had blood running down her arm from a cut she had made. Because I thought of that, even though that happened almost ten years ago, I started panicking and sobbing while refusing to let her leave my sight.

Obviously I messaged my friend to cancel plans, and afterwards my mom came back. But I was still a mess. Even as we talked, I was just thinking 'this is all my fault. If I didn't ask for my friend to come over, if I didn't forget about my moms stress level, if. I. Just. Didn't." Then, I went to the bathroom and sliced my wrist twice. I now have a bracelet hidinthe cuts, but I realized when I am inconsolable and literally asking God for death, obviously it jut doesn't happen that fast. But then... Another thought entered my head. When people get in car wrecks, and are laying there with blood over them in pain, they are asking, praying for help because they don't want to die. They haven't 'lived' yet. The have so many things that they Still want to do. And even as they ask or pray, its most likely that they still die depending in the injuries.

See what I mean now? When we ask for death we aren't granted of, but when we don't ask for it we don't have a choice? 

I think that's it really. I don't know what else to say.