☠ ╡Cσпғεƨƨıσпƨ σғ αп αɔɔıcт.╞ ☠

It's taken me a while to say this, but it's actually been a long road up til now... A hard one filled with ups and downs that I could neither anticipate nor evade at the state I've been in. It means a lot to be able to actually get this off of my chest, but I think I'm finally ready.

Guys, I'm sorry. As someone who keeps wanting people to lean on me and come to me for anything they need, I admit that I'm weak. That I'm flawed. That I'm addicted...

to plucking.

I realized the weight of it when I tackled my younger bro (unfortunately home for Spring Break) for trying to steal/hide my tweezers. Bish might as well been tryna stow away cigs or something. I legit check my brows every damn day and if they don't look like commas (like 2% of the year tbh), they good for the plucking. e u e Anyway, I'll be starting up therapy in April. u w u In the meantime, please don't expect selfies on kkt cuz like...

It ain't spring just yet but the caterpillars are about to come out early.

Okno jk. Legit the only thing accurate in everything I posted above is that I have a unhealthy love for tweezing.

I miss you guys.

Seriously. Adulting , but I can't say I've never felt more... purposeful?

Orientation's going well. Still got til July and I'll finally be taking care of a patient semi-alone this weekend, but I'm actually excited. The mothers are so anxious, but overall so... so wonderful? And every time I see a father in the rooms volunteering to participate in newborn care, my heart swells into my throat. There aren't words for this. Charting , but only because I'm unused to this particular electronic medical record. But I feel something, like--- Beyond the paycheck, I feel something.

I feel it each time I get to hold a new mother's hand and ask her if there's anything at all I could do for her. I feel it each time I teach a father how to swaddle his screaming firstborn. I feel it every time a nurse (my new coworkers) tell me that I've done a good job or invite me to view something I've never seen before. I feel it each time one of the staff members, without any prompting, introduce me to others as their new nurse.

But most of all... I feel it each time I'm in the middle of assessing a baby in a room of anxious family members--- when let the newborn latch on the tip of my finger like a pacifier to quiet down so I can hear its heartrate. How warm and vulnerable and tiny it is. I tear up each time. Had to ing excuse myself the first time I quieted one down just by holding it and honestly... there's nothing better. Nothing.

And so sometimes I come back and sag on RPR because people are shallow, judgemental s who take this site too seriously. Sometimes my parents say or do the wrong things. Sometimes I'm simply slammed with a wave of self-loathing. Sometimes, life just happens.

But at the end of the day, I'll do what I want. I think I've found so much more courage to grow beyond this little glass box I've been viewing the world out of. There's so much to this great, big world...

And it starts with the tiniest, trembling fists.