Just something about my life.

I don't usually write posts like this, specially on rpr, but something about my life is making me feel so indifferent. Actually, indifferent isn't the proper term. I'm at that point where I get so worried about my future, overthink about my past, but I feel so numb and lost at the moment. Is this some kind of mid-life crisis for teenagers? Lol

I guess it all started when I broke up with my ex. (But I'm not blaming her for everything don't get me wrong) So I met my ex-gf online and we roleplayed as chanbaek. It was the usual until things started to get ooc and we became a couple in real life. The distance, however wasn't favorable for us. We're on opposite sides of the world. We met once when she visited my country. I didn't realize that was the first and last time I'll ever be with my ex. After being together for a year, things got difficult between the two of us. We fought and everything and she met a guy at her place. Needless to say, I was replaced. It's tough and even until now it hurts me when I think about it. She was the first person that I really invested my feelings on. She was the person that made me feel as if the cute love stories on movies can happen in real life. I loved her very much and I guess I love her still.

If you know me in real life, you would describe me as a bubbly and cheeky person. Often cheerful and weird. I am also at the top of my class in college. An honor student. An academic scholar. So when the time came that I got depressed, it was really hard for me to express my feelings to the people around me. I felt disappointed in myself because I just abandoned everything.

For 2 weeks or more, I would go to school as an empty shell. Sometimes faking my smiles, sometimes crying. It was easier when I pretended to be okay. At home, I would just lie down on my bed, stare at the worn out wood and the faded scribbles on the top of my bunk bed and do nothing at all. I would either sleep all day or not sleep at all. When I did sleep,  I would dream of her but I'd wake up, literally gasping for breath and tears flowing down my cheeks. Yeah. Dramatic. But it's true. I never realized that I would love a person so much. I loved her too much for my own good. She would come back every now and then to talk to me. Weirdly it happened everytime I had my exams. So all the lessons I tried to study usually went down the drain. It's pathetic that even though she left me. Even though when she comes back to me only to leave the next day, I would always answer her message. No hesitations. No restraints. Obviously my grades went down and I worried about that. We aren't that well off, so if I lose my scholarship, it would be difficult for my mother to provide for my college fees. 

I knew I had to pick myself up and do something about it. Not being able to function well with my daily life. My mental health struggling. Not being able to look at myself in the mirror.... I was in deep shiz. I went to my guidance counselor and she told me that I suffer from psychological trauma due to emotional blackmail. I agreed with her, but whenever my ex would talk to me, it's as if my mind can't piece the two together. I loved her too much. I devoted myself to help her get through her depression and her other problems until I was the one that absorbed everything. 

Life can be unfair. Life can also be surprising. After my sessions, I tried to get myself together. I managed to save my grades, although my scholarship went down a category. I go out with people too, but it still leaves me feeling empty at the end of the day. I also managed to get a summer job. A good thing for me because I've always been the dependent type. I'm 19 so I atleast need a bit of experience. I'm also deciding to change to  a different university. The best university in the country, but I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that if I go there, they might put me in a different course. I love psychology and I can't see myself studying something that's different from it. Also, I have to study for an additional year too if I go there. It's like being behind a year from my peers. I don't know if I should push through with it or not. Do I take the risk or stay at a college where I feel like it's not enough?

From the outside, it seems as if I have my life all held together, but I really am falling apart. I just want to go back the days when I wasn't constantly lonely. I'm so sick and tired of saying I'm okay and smiling, when I know for a fact that I'm not. I wish that the bad memories and the bad emotions can erase themselves from my mind. I want to wake up to a new day. To a new me. I want to start off with a clean slate. Something like a do-over. But life isn't a game. We don't get another chance to replay and change whatever we did in the past. It's just there and really I don't have a choice, but to live with it and face the consequences. I just hope that whatever steps that I'll be taking in my life right now would lead me to where I'm meant to be. I want to find myself and my own happiness.