It's funny how when I have problems, I run away from reality and rp. I know it's a bad thing and it's not healthy for my social life but I don't know why. It's like, I left my problems behind and became someone else. I have friends here who actually like to talk to me and I'm happy with them but there are things I don't want to admit to them because I'm scared they might leave me which brings me back to rping. Funny though, the people who are willing to comfort me and be with me are my guy friends and I have a lot. Girls tend to ignore me and backstab me with lies just because the guys like to hang out with me. I'm not the type to judge and leave people. I'm not like other girls who just like to be with guys to flirt. I'm just being myself. It's annoying how they only talk to me when they need something for me or need me for comfort. But you know, even the girl who everyone runs to needs someone to comfort her too. The girls, they all think of me as a comfort friend and an adviser but they never see me as a friend. The guys, they see me as a friend and someone to hang out with but they never see how much I need someone to hug me or at least tell me that they're here for me. I give hugs when I need it. I give kisses when I want to tell someone I love them but I'm too shy to say it. I guess, people like me who likes to be happy and laugh and comfort other people are meant to be alone. Even if you tell me now I don't deserve to be alone, why do I feel like it? Why are the friends I actually like leave me? What's wrong with me? Am I not enough or am I not worthy to be their friend? Well, it's probably because I'm not pretty or popular that they don't hang out with me. Or maybe I'm just a boring person. Or maybe I'm just a thing to them. Or maybe because I smile too much, they think I'm happy and it's impossible to see me break. Well, I'm breaking right now. I don't want anyone to see me like this. It's too troublesome. I don't want to ruin their mood or make them pity me. I hate being pitied. It makes me feel weak. Whether I'm weak or not, it doesn't matter because I know I can be strong. I am strong if I just tell myself that every day of my life. Am I lying to myself? Am I too stupid to see the answers to my own questions? I have never told anyone about the things I really feel. I just show them my happy side because I don't want to bother anyone. I'm so stupid. I'm answering my own questions now. Whenever I have a lot of things on my mind, I rp. It makes me forget everything and forget who I really am. I separate my life from rping so it's somehow like a dream. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I have so many things to say but no one to tell it to. I'm afraid to bother them or make them feel like I'm annoying. Being bullied has it's effects. Probably the reason why I'm like this. When I was a kid, I got bullied a lot by the people I call my 'friends'. They would always want to be with me but tell me lies and make me feel like I'm trash. And yet when other people pity me, I defend my so called friends because I love them and I treasure them. I don't want to be alone. Maybe that's why I always comfort people because; "No one deserves to be alone..." I never finish my sentence. "No one deserves to be alone.... no one... except me."
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