Stripped

There are certain things people don't wanna hear.

They don't wanna hear you're not good, that you're  not fine, that you have problems you don't know how to deal with. They offer you to listen but when they do and you open up and vent.... There is no response.

It doesn't really matter, does it? Sometimes I feel like we are fish in a too small tank, staring out into the ocean.

I got my ocean right here. I left my fish tank. And while I'm happy, sometimes I'm not. That's human. It's perfectly fine and perfectly normal if you feel ty sometimes.

 But truth be told, I have to me honest for once. I can't say I'm fine, sunny and preppy and oh so ing going to be alright. These past two weeks have been hell for me and they will continue to be hell. Not because of Beijing, don't get me wrong. Not because of the people here. I met some of the most awesome people here and I know for sure that I will have friends in those people for a long time.

No,  the only reason for my emotional instability, my sleepless nights, my writing blocks, my insecurities... Is me. There I said it. 

I doubt my abilities. My writing abilities, my performance in my job, my intelligence even. My university classes just because I don't see why the hell I should learn a ton of words that don't have any freaking use for me in my daily life. I can barely communicate with the people sometimes although I can perfectly understand them. But as soon as I open my mouth to reply, knowing that if I can understand I can talk too, I swallow my own tongue. I doubt my friends, my family even. What if I come back in August and nothing is the same no matter how many promises were made? My writing slacks lately, because I'm always tired, always exhausted. Maybe I doubt my entire being in general? 

I'm always able to tell other people that life is good, how awesome they are, that they should see the good things in life but I keep... Hitting walls when it comes to myself. I don't care about myself no matter how hard I try. It's not right. I can't change it. 

I'm sorry for dropping on and off lately, for being distracted. It's just life for me right now. And my insecurities eat me up from the inside out. So maybe you can understand me. Maybe not. It doesn't really matter because we all have to accept that we are not that intertwined with each other no matter what we might think. I can always understand. Perhaps someone can do that too for me