breathes.
first of all, forgive me for the disappearance lately. I really don't know what's wrong? or maybe nothing is wrong I just don't feel like getting on here at all. I've been pomdering around taking another break, maybe even for good this time, and I have put a lot of thought into it... but I can't bring myself to do it? I still enjoy rping, with certain people I breathe in their muse becasue hng its so good. And I am aware of how my writing has deteriorated from how it used to be, or rather the state that I was satisfied about once upon a dream. I complain about it being ty now, and honestly it has taken a different style from what it used to be, and to be surrounded by so many poetic and amazing writers does things to my self esteem; even if i know, everybody writes different, everybody has their own style, that one shouldnt be comparing and bringing yourself down but rather learn from those people you look up to.
where is this blog going even idek, i just felt the need to write some feelings out.
Jealousy. This, this evil lil thing is probably my biggest downfall. I get irked over little things, and I'd make up excuses as to why I'm irked, but I know deep down I'm also just jealous about a lot of things. The talent, the skills, the attention, the love, the affection. all directed to other people, but I'm blind to my own. and for everybody who reads this who are my friends and you guys know my useless rants and the times i go and mope around, I'm sorry you had to put up to my like that. Even after the advice and the truth that you guys pretty much smacked onto my face, i still weasel my way through and find excuses so that i can make myself feel better.
wow writing out your feeling is much harder when you dont have a certain direction. asdhlafjhjgshgakfb forgive this mindless word vomit.
I think in the end, what I want to say to whoever thats going to take the time to read this, I love you all so so much. I've been only focused on my own lately, avoiding activity, avoiding things that sparks up my anxiety, overthinking every little thing that i shouldnt be bothered about but yikes its a bad habit that dies hard. I may just be another faceless user in this pool of hundreds. and i may not be anyone's special speck of star in the sky. and perhaps you've forgotten about me during the time of absense (is this how you spell it bcs idek it doesnt correct itself). In the end, I still care about a lot of people, and a few special ones that I hold dearly close to my heart -- ya'll better know who you are or istg.
that's whats truly holding me back from leaving, I don't want to lose these friendships, I don't want them to fade away becasue they mean a whole lot to me. every single one matters.
I guess that's that. thank you for reading through my mindless rambling. mucho love from meeeeee.
either you know me as jihoon
or ofc squish soo damn it he cute af 
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