end of an era.

tl;dr: i can't come to terms with several things.

warning: blog post is long. contains tributes to my friends. explains the reasons for my recent behaviour. will discuss what i plan on doing with this account.

hello guys. i'm alex. you may have known me as (from the beginning of all time, lmao) pearlescent-, elision, cutlet, tigolbitties, chienno, or even taemilf (that's a secondary account). i've been on roleplayrepublic since december 2012. i came over here from asianfanfics, where i'd been rping for a bit more than a year. rpr has seen many changes since then. many, many changes. i'm not old in the slightest  - only 18, but i feel that way and i don't like it one bit. i apologize if i often seem negative or preachy, but i am truly only being realistic. unfortunately, reality often falls on the pessimistic side of things. rpr back then...was grand. i actually regret not being in the state i am now back then. that way i would have been able to give it my all, my best; fully savour the magic of being someone different in worlds created by our hands. roleplaying was the best thing ever back then. we could actually live in a story. we weren't the orchestrators of everything like we would be when writing our own stories/fanfiction, but that was what made it fun! i often thought of rpr like a literal video game world, where we wrote and used mental imagery instead of having everything handed to us. 

it's not that way anymore.

it really hurts.

the atmosphere and overall manner in which people act has also changed. the spirit of fun is gone. people no longer act normally (?). everything is a reason to become sensitive, now. but this is not just rpr, this is the world. 

recently, my fuse has been a lot shorter than it would usually be. i generally stay out of things that don't directly concern me, but a lot of things have been happening to concern me and i don't like it one bit. i've been roleplaying lee taemin for the entire span of 5 years or so. taemin is my ultimate bias, a very versatile muse, and a very good person to the public. he has grown much over the years, much as i have. i have studied his patterns of behaviour, speech, what i have seen bothers him, what i have seen pleases him - all of this in order to roleplay him as best as i can. taemin has been struggling with his appearance to the public. we all know him to be very pretty, even androgynous at times. that is just how he naturally looks. he is also shy and gentle in interviews and the like, and i suppose that serves to compound his effeminate persona. these are facts that cannot be denied. however, taemin is who he is. his feminine side works in tandem with his masculinity. it forms him. it does not detract from his gender. he may not be conventional, but that is no reason to shame him for being the way he is. at the end of the day, he is a man. he wishes to be treated like a man. taken seriously - like a man. recently, i've been having to justify him too much while roleplaying him. taemin has a complex because people focus on his feminine qualities and completely ignore the masculine qualities. i am aware of this. it bothers me so much when people belittle him that way as they have been doing. i can take jokes, but god, some of you go too damn far.

another thing i can't tolerate is overall bull. please do not come with your annoying mannerisms and questionable behaviour, shove it in my face, and expect it to go ignored. i will call you out on it. or rather, i would have.

now, as for what i'll do with this account: i'm going to leave rpr but also stay. i can't throw away my long term threads such as the ones i have with erowind and blueashes. i'm leaving my rp open. i will join the rps my very close friends make. other than that, i shall be dead for the most part. 

some friend appreciation.

kels: you are my closest friend. you have been here for me through thick and thin over the past year or so. for that, i thank you so much. you have helped refine the aspects of me that i wasn't too sure about. i am now unafraid, and i shall therefore never be defeated. you have done a lot for me. i love you.

chad: i love you to bits, too. you're so sweet and funny and an amazing writer. i really want to have a constant thread with you ;; please let's make it happen. and know that i will always be here for you. no matter what happens. 

vendetta: you're not here anymore, but when i think of good rps and good rping back in the day, i think of you. i miss you dearly.

blueashes: my fellow taemin stan and a wonderful rping partner. i thank you so much for keeping our threads alive! even if we take our time, i know i can always count on you. <3

meg: i always think of you as 'sel'. you make a good best friend in rps, and you are very kind and help me out when you can! i ofc appreciate that.

chouette: we're not super super close, but i do feel very happy to see you around. <3 thank you for rping with me. 

zedd: darling, i truly hope that you are well and that everything goes well for you. i pray for you everyday. i hope to see you returned in good health.

it's not a complete end, but it is more or less a goodbye as you won't see me around as much. i will miss things being the way they used to be. 

thank you.