...yeah

I guess I really am done. The only people I actually considered my real friends. Including one who has been there for me since I joined this place, just dropped me. And I'm trying really hard to keep it together. I convince myself that I'm used to losing friends and to a certain extent I am. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when they go. I'm a hard personality to deal with I admit that and sometimes I can be overbearing. But I'd like to think I've never been a bad friend. I've always put 10000% of myself into the relationship. I was always too trusting until certain things happened that caused me to not be trusting anymore. And yet I had found a few people that I found myself trusting more than I trusted anyone else before. I opened my heart to them and let them know and see things about me I usually don't share. I'm in a situation I can't control, and along with my medical conditions it affects the way I think and the way I operate and do things. I've tried to be as understanding as I can about their circumstances and yet I'm told there is a limit to their understanding with mine. That's fine, people are like that and I'm used to it. Did it hurt? Yes. I have no idea why I put myself out there for them. I knew it was only gonna be a matter of time before they dropped me like the rest did but they had proven to me to be way better than them. So I thought to myself, you know what? Maybe this time it'll be different. I even took better care to evaluate how I act and react to them. Thinking that despite always being the one to give my friends everything and even give up things for them that the fact they would drop me so readily was somehow my fault. That in me being like that I was somehow doing something wrong. I could never figure it out though. But in this new group of friends they helped me through so much and I acted way better with them than I have with anyone else tbh. And yet somehow it still wasn't enough. I've been through so much in the last couple of years but especially the last year, and I'm being completely honest when I say that them allowing me to express myself to them and rant about what's going on in an immediate sense, as well as their words of encouragement and love are what helped me make it through it all. What helped me not fully follow through with attempts to end my life because I can't deal with it anymore. And now it's gone. And it seems to be my fault and you know what maybe it is. It wouldn't be the first time I was blamed for things going wrong. Anyways I digress. To those friends I'm talking about if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for keeping me from killing myself, for letting me rant and express myself in my times of need until recently. Thank you for sharing your moments with me as well I truly enjoyed them. I'm sorry you started to feel like I don't appreciate you somehow. And I'm sorry you felt that all our history meant nothing to just throw it away. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. And I hope you all stay happy and healthy.

I debated on writing this tbh since I don't want anybody to feel like I'm trying to guilt trip anybody. What's done is done. But if I'm going to leave I'd rather leave after getting all that off my chest first.