The Forest

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong looked up surprised when Zitao suddenly turned around, making him let go of his back and suddenly found himself in his lover's arms. He closed his eyes with Zitao's words and nodded slowly. "How come you alway know exactly what to say to make me feel better?" He asked softly, turning his head a bit to the side when Zitao trailed a few kisses down his neck. He guessed he shouldn't be surprised Zitao had noticed his internal struggle, he should get used to the fact that the other could read him as if he was an open book. The younger let his hand travel up until he tangled his fingers in Zitao's hair while his other arm wrapped around Zitao's chest. He wondered how long his secrets would stay secret, because Zitao made him want to talk about everything, spill his heart to the man. "Maybe I'll tell you sometime." He whispered, because that was the truth if it was up to him, if he knew it wouldn't get Zitao killed as soon as he spilled those words because Junhong wouldn't be able to protect him, he wasn't strong enough for that... as soon as Zitao repeated those three words to him however, Junhong felt himself relaxing again, leaning against Zitao's body. It wouldn't solve their problems, he knew, but he also knew that it already brought them halfway. "I do too." He said softly, nuzzling his face into Zitao's neck and closing his eyes.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao shivered from the kiss. His back was still sensitive despite him letting Junhong work on it. Looking over his shoulder he saw how sad his lover looked from their topic of conversation. Was there really nothing to talk about? He felt as though they could talk about anything and almost everything. And it was sad that Junhong felt as though he couldn't talk him about somethings. Maybe if he hadn't gotten angry earlier, then it thinks would have worked out better for them. They'll just have to try harder. Pulling away from his lover's hands, he turned around and embraced his love. "It's okay Junnie. The air doesn't always need to be filled with conversation. There's so much we could say while silent too." Turning his head, he pecked him on the cheek and trailed kisses down to his neck. "Or we could fill the silence and talk about why you're angry with yourself. Whatever you want to do is fine by me. I just hope you'll be more honest with me. I love you Junhong."

@★ [P] Huang Zitao [ Thank you, I hope so too. ]

Junhong hummed softly and closed his eyes, already knowing how to manipulate the muscles in Zitao's shoulders, neck and back without having to constantly watch every move. "Thank you." He said softly, but did not look up at Zitao. "But I don't want to talk about it." Leaving a kiss on Zitao's spine, he sighed softly. "I want to talk about other things." He said, slowly telling the other his thoughts. "But why is there nothing else to talk about?" He asked sadly, opening his eyes and staring at his working hands. "It's like there is nothing to me but work. And I don't want to hurt you with any of my words, even if you say you won't get angry with me, I'm angry with myself already as things are right now." It was true, Junhong felt like giving up his work as assassin to be with Zitao, even though he knew it wasn't possible and he was angry with himself for joining in the first place, it was not like he was even that good at it but even so, it was now part of him and Junhong did not know how to give up on that.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong (That's okay. I hope things get better for you.)

Zitao knew his skill was work related and there were so many things he could think of that would contribute to it. So many things he didn't even want to think about, lest he get angry like the did last time. But he wouldn't. Unless it was something truly deserving of his anger Zitao wasn't going to get angry at Junhong any longer for anything work related. It wasn't his lover's fault he was in the situation he's in and all he could think about was if he wasn't a pupil then he could take his love away from that place. He'll just have to train harder during the week, even if it became difficult for him to move. He'd get stronger so he can advance. "It's okay Junnie. I know. I promise I won't get angry anymore, so you don't need to keep quiet about your work, okay?" He turned his head to look at him over his shoulder. "Just don't talk favorably of the men you service."

@★ [P] Huang Zitao [ I am very sorry for my late reply, rl is hard on me right now :/ ]

The reaction Junhong got from Zitao was very satisfying, he could see how he slowly relaxed every muscle. The soft moan made the younger smile happily, convinced he would not mind doing this more, if Zitao could enjoy it so much. The question Zitao asked made Junhong's shoulders however tense in turn, and he looked away, quickly resuming his work on Zitao's back which had stilled momentarily. "At work." He muttered in response, too afraid Zitao would give a similar reaction to anything related to his work like before to explain in any more detail. "My coworkers." He lied quickly. He would prevent mentioning anything which could cause Zitao to get upset like before, he did not want to fight with him, he would rather lie, he regretted not lying before, he would not make the same mistake. His own words made Junhong bite his lip in realization however. There was nothing he could talk about with Zitao that was not about his work in the Kiseang house, while he could not talk about his work as assassin, that left nothing of him and that stung.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Junhong's hands were like heaven for his shoulders and back. His soft thumbs rubbing soothing circles into his back released the tension and burning he felt from the week's work out. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head down when his lover moved up to his neck. He hadn't even realized that he was pain there before. Now it was slowing ebbing away. When he moved back to his shoulders, Zitao moaned softly. The end of his shoulders definitely needed all the attention they could get from all the arm work he had to do. "Okay." His words were slurred and he was barely paying attention to anything his lover had to say. It seemed his ears checked out from the stimulation. As his hands pressed down his back, he arched and squirmed a little bit. He'd forgotten his own weakness just that quickly. The feeling passed when Junhong went back up. "I feels really good. Where did you learn to give massages?"

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong nodded slightly, watching Zitao turn around after he let go of his waist. Though he did miss those strong arms wrapped around him, Junhong wanted to help Zitao with his aching body. Placing his hands on Zitao's shoulders, he used his thumb, drawing small circles on both his shoulders simultaneously, making sure to use enough pressure in them. He continued the motion before changing his actions and running his thumbs up the other's neck and back down to the ends of his shoulders, feeling how tense they were and trying to get his lover to relax. "One would be enough." He said with a smile. "And yes, please be gentle." He said, leaving a quick kiss on Zitao's neck before continuing his actions, now drawing lines with the pads of his fingers from his spine to his sides, slowly going lower down his back until he approximately reached the end of his shoulder blades before moving back up along his spine and going back to his work on his lover's neck and shoulders. "How does that feel?" He asked a bit anxiously, hoping Zitao liked it.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao had completely forgotten how tight and stiff his body was with all the activity they've been doing since they came here. Now that it was back on his mind his back felt worse than it had before. Maybe laying down while having wasn't the best idea for him. "Yes, please. That would lovely right about now." Unwrapping an arm from around Junhong's waist, he rubbed his shoulder and rotated it a little. His lover's kiss was enough to take his mind off of it for a second, then the prospect of putting his fingers inside of his lover occupied his mind. It was interesting that he had to do it that way. In fact he wondered what it felt like to touch his lover there. Not that he minded. Anything for Junhong after all. "Okay. So how many fingers should I use? And I'm assuming I have to be gentle right?"

@★ [P] Huang Zitao "Ah." Remembering something, Junhong quickly turned to Zitao. "You still want me to massage you?" He asked softly. "Are your muscles still stiff?" He realized having while Zitao was like that, the elder's back on the hard ground, might not have been his best idea but there was no going back now, he at least wanted to make his lover more comfortable. Smiling at the promise to make time for him, Junhong nodded in agreement. "Alright." He said softly and pecked Zitao's lips yet again, addicted to them. "Thank you, though I'll try not to bother you too much. It's very important to you isn't it?" He asked softly before chuckling at Zitao's sheepish smile he quickly shook his head. "Don't worry." He whispered, cupping Zitao's cheeks and looking into his eyes. "You'll need to put your fingers inside of me though." He said softly, looking at him closely for his reaction. Junhong had been the one to lead everything during their lovemaking so he was a bit curious to what the other's reaction would be if he was asked to insert his fingers to clean him. Wondering if he would find it dirty, if he would not care, or either find it arousing, which would be the best outcome according to Junhong, then again, Zitao usually stayed calm with everything, this of course resulting in Junhong's curiosity.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao smiled against his lover's lips, then pecked him back with a nod. "Not as much as I would like. Because the ceremony is going to be here in a few months the training as gotten more intense. Mine is worse now, but if you ever come around looking for me or we plan something in advance then I'll always have time for you." Junhong is his number one after the king and it'll be awhile before the king will need him for anything. Provided that a war doesn't break out anytime soon. "I'll clean you up, but um...I don't know how." He smiled sheepishly and tightened his grip around his lover's waist.

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong smiled softly, allowing Zitao to hold him close and keeping his arms lovely around his neck. A small smile crept up Junhong's lips as he listened to his lover's voice. "And you do have time for me?" He asked softly, wondering if there was a difference in how much free time Zitao had compared to the others. Smiling at the sweet peck, Junhong pulled back a bit and looked at Zitao. "Well, if you could clean it for me?" He whispered softly, leaning in and leaving another soft kiss on his lover's lips. Of course he was used to cleaning up afterwards but he would love to feel his lover's hands on him, suddenly becoming greedy for Zitao's touch. Placing his forehead against Zitao's he smiled softly, looking straight into his beautiful eyes.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong That's an interesting combination of smells. He looks forward to smelling it more. Setting Junhong down in the water, he kept his arm around his waist to help him stand and to feel his body against his. His Junhong was so cute. "Nope. Only the pupils that move up in rank have time for things like that. I often here the graduates talking to the boys in my age group about the women and men they've slept with at the Kisaeng House or anyone they found that was interested." Zitao tried his best not to easedrop, but it's hard when loud and boisterous people have conversations like that. Leaning forward, he pecked him on the lips with a smile. "There's inside of you. Do you want help cleaning up or do you have a handle on it?"

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong shrugged slightly at Zitao's question. "I guess it's a combination of , sweat, hormones and whatnot." He said as he leaned his head against Zitao's chest. Humming softly at the other's words, he could not help the smile that crept up his face. "Ah so you're not the only one inexperienced." He said softly, though Tao was probably the most clueless one, he was so knowledgable about swordsmanship and a total natural at it but a novice when it came to anything ual, still, Junhong loved that part about the other as well. He had barely even realised Zitao had entered the water until he asked if he should continue to hold him. "No I can stand!" Junhong responded immediately, a bit embarrassed for letting himself get so comfortable in Zitao's arms. Wiggling around a bit, it wasn't pain free, but Junhong was definitely not one to complain.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao ignored his lover's statement. Of course he couldn't walk. Not with the limp he surely has. They were close to the water when Junhong answered his question. " has a smell to it?" It was kind of weird how that worked. He could understand smelling like sweat, but ? Hmm. It's something he'll have to get used to, but he doesn't not like the scent. The smell of was just a little strange. "That's kind of weird, but I can get used to it. I think if I showed up smelling like I do, then the other pupils would probably be jealous of me. They talk about all the time, but most of them have never had it before." He smiled down at his love. When they arrived at the water, he jumped into the water off the edge, his grip still tight on his lover. "Do you want me to let you go or hold you still? I think you look really comfortable in my arms."

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong blinked surprised when he suddenly found himself in Zitao's arms, not having experienced this yet, he quickly looked away though wrapped one arm around the other's neck, afraid to fall. "I can walk." He said stubbornly, even though it was quite obvious it would have been difficult, he still had difficulties with showing his weakness in front of Zitao, no matter how much he loved the other. Junhong smiled softly at Zitao's comment. "I probably smell like ." He said and ran his hand through Zitao's hair while the other buried his face into his neck, feeling slightly ticklish when his breath ran over his skin. "You smell like as well." He chuckled, placing his head on Zitao's shoulder. "That's why it's a good idea to wash up as well, I don't think the other pupils at the academy need to know what you did." He hummed, surprisingly finding Zitao's hold getting more and more comfortable.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao pulled Junhong to his feet and noticed how he leaned against him for support. Before he could ask about it, his love realized it too and beat him to the punch. Wrapping one arm around his love's waist, he bent down and picked him up under his knees. "It's a bit far to the water and you won't be able to walk the distance comfortably, so I'll just carry you instead." Starting his trek to the lake, he burying his face into his neck for a moment to breathe him in. "You smell different. Like sweat and something else I can't identify, but still you at the same time. What is that?" He leaned back and looked down at the younger boy wanting an answer. It was probably nothing, but that didn't mean he didn't want to know.

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong smiled happily when the other agreed to his suggestion. Closing his eyes, the younger kissed back immediately, enjoying the soft touch on his lips and looking at Zitao when he stood up, different muscles flexing and relaxing with each movement. Taking the offered hand, Junhong should not have been surprised at the other's statement, Zitao quickly understood those kinds of things. "I'll be alright." He said, as he used Zitao's help to stand up, leaning against his chest for support, but not letting out a sound at the discomfort. Ah, the muscles in his legs still hadn't fully recovered either. "And moving in water is easier." He quickly added, assuming Zitao too had noticed the way Junhong searched for support with him even if he had not admitted it out loud. Looking up again, Junhong looked at the lake which suddenly seemed to be further away from them than what he remembered. It had been a while since the last time he swam, Junhong did find himself looking forward to it, even though his legs were tired, besides, it was with Zitao, he could not ask for better company.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong "Me neither. I don't like fighting with my Junnie." Zitao smiled back at his love, nodding his head at his idea. "Sure. Swimming would be good. It'll be like washing the sweat and dirt off." Initially he was going to suggest that they swim in their underwear, but now that they were , a fact he had briefly forgotten about, they could just swim bare. Kissing his lover on the lips, he sat up and stretched out his arms before standing up and holding out a hand for the younger boy. "As you know I'm no expert on , but I'm pretty sure that walking after having something inside you like that is painful even if you are used to it. Will you be okay to walk?" Just thinking about his love's experience made the same questions come back. Now that he knows that Junhong loves him maybe it'll be easier to hear about his life as a ginsaeng. Zitao wanted to know everything about him and something as significant as his lover's occupation was part of things he needed to know. Especially since it was the part of himself he wasn't hiding from him. Whatever the other part might be he'll learn in due time. Rushing that sort of information now would put further strain on them.

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong smiled softly at Zitao's words, wrapping his arms tightly around the other. He did not want to fight with him again, he loved Zitao too much for that. "It's alright now." He said softly as Zitao kissed his palm. "I don't want us to fight like that again." He admitted and wondered what he had done to receive the love of such an amazing person who accepted him like this. A soft chuckle passed by Junhong's lips, the promise was so like Zitao, being objective and realistic about everything, but that was nice as well, Junhong loved that part as well. Tilting his head a bit to the side at Zitao's kisses, Junhong's eyes widened at the other's words, did he know something? Or at leased suspect? It felt that way, Zitao was not someone to be underestimated, Junhong knew that but still... Pulling back a bit from the hug, Junhong looked straight into Zitao's eyes, keeping his gaze soft before collecting himself and smiling gently. "How about cleaning ourselves?" He asked softly, "And going for a swim?" Though it wasn't that warm outside, Junhong felt sweaty and dirty after their activities and he wanted to clean himself after all. He hated himself though, for keeping those important things from Zitao, but Junhong selfishly wanted to continue their sweet relationship like it was right now, unknowingly, though maybe with a few suspicions, but nothing too big to ruin them. If Zitao ever found out though... would he choose his king above him? Junhong did not want to think about it but he knew it was possible, Zitao after all, was loyal to him in every way.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao's heart pained him with each tear he felt against his chest. With each heart-wrenching sob that wracked through his lover's body. He even felt like crying again himself, but he couldn't. One of them had to be strong and right now Junhong was at his most vulnerable. He couldn't breakdown with him. Zitao continued to caress his back and run his fingers through his hair. The stream of 'I love you' never stopped as he comforted his lover. Eventually he got him to calm down enough to breathe properly and it calmed his own nerves down. Or at least he thought so. Junhong started crying again as he wiped his own tear stained eyes. "No I'm sorry Junnie. I didn't mean to make you cry either. I was just being jealous and stupid." He kissed the inside of his palm, then hugged him close to his body. "Don't ever apologize for being vulnerable. I'm the one that should see you at your weakest, so I can pick you up again as you should see me too." He kissed his cheek and leaned his lips against his ear. "I won't cry again. For your sake, but I can't make any definitely promises. I'm only human after all." Kissing his ear, he trailed down a line of pecks to his neck. "I'm fine now. I know all that I need to. Anything else you haven't told me will come with time, so don't push yourself anymore."

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong did not know what to feel anymore, having that confession ripped out of him made him want to hide from Zitao's touch, he had not want to tell the other, but not telling hurt Zitao even more and Junhong did not want to hurt Zitao, not in any way. So he did not pull away the moment Zitao wrapped his arms around him, even if he wanted to, still feeling like he had been forced to confess by the older, but if he pulled away, maybe he'd see those tears in his lover's eyes again, anything but that! And to be very honest... Zitao's arms were warm. So warm, and once he rested in Zitao's embrace, the younger found himself unable to pull away, not because he was afraid to hurt Zitao but because he loved Zitao and always wanted to be hugged by him. Junhong buried his face into Zitao's chest and cried. Cried for what had happened to them, the fight they had had, but also for what they risked of losing, all because of him, all because Junhong had joined the Heuksa Chorong. Even Zitao's promises of protection could not reassure him, but the promise the other loved him, that promise did still his cries eventually, they made him feel warm inside, and he understood. He understood he had been a fool for wanting to deny his lover this feeling, this warm feeling inside of his chest, of knowing he was loved by the man he loved as well. Finally quieting down, Junhong looked up at Zitao and felt new tears well up. "Don't cry." He whispered softly as his own tears overflowed, he reached up and brushed Zitao's dry cheeks under his eyes, were he had previously seen tears, tears caused by him and his stupid refusal to tell Zitao his own feelings. "I'm sorry, please don't cry, I didn't want to make you cry, I don't want to hurt you Zitao." He whispered, "I'm sorry for been so stupid and weak and I promise you it won't happen again, I-I'll tell you as much as you want me to alright? I promise you that, so please! Please don't cry anymore."

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao could tell he was close and he hoped that he could tell he was crying. That was the last thing he wanted right now. Junhong's voice broke him out of his pitiful thoughts. The sound of his voice was different. Painful and sad. Then came the tears and emotion he could hear. Now he's made his Junnie cry. How could he do such a thing? Never has he ever wanted his lover to cry. Then he started yelling and getting hysterical about people he didn't know about ruining them both if they knew about them. Just as he was about to turn around and stop him from getting so worked up he heard the words he's longed to hear. The three words that were so short alone, but mean more than the world to him together. Turning around, he saw his love curled in on himself with a red face and tears spilling down his eyes. This was too much. Too much for him. Zitao quickly wiped his own tears and willed himself to stop crying, before scooting to Junhong and pulling him into his arms. He caressed his arms and rubbed his back, whispering shushes in his ear to get him to calm down. "I love you. I love you so much Junhong. You don't understand how deep my love goes. And whoever 'they' are won't touch you. I promise they won't ruin you, they won't ruin me, and they won't ruin us. You'll never lose me. Never, cause I'm not going anywhere." He kissed his tear stained and wet cheek repeatedly, whispering 'I love you' again and again.

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong flinched from his lover's words and quickly shook his head in denial. "It's not you at all." He whispered softly, "I feel so much, so much my feelings overflow, my heart beats fast and a every touch makes me long for more." Junhong bit his lip as Zitao turned away from him, slightly leaning closer to the male, wanting to turn him back around when he caught a glimpse of tears. What was this? What was all of this? This wasn't supposed to happen! He was supposed to still be cuddling with this man, enjoying the after glow, exchanging sweet kisses, making small talk, it wasn't supposed to be like this at all. He did not want to see Zitao cry like this. "N-no..." His voice wavered as he fought his own tears. "I'm so sorry." He whispered softly, crawling into a ball himself. "I keep on ruining things, I'm sorry for being a bad lover, I want to tell you, I do! It's just..." Junhong took a deep, shaky breath. "N-never in my whole life have I said that..." He whispered softly, wanting to reach out to Zitao but unable to. "A-and everything I have been through up until now, tells me those feelings will ruin me, they! They'll ruin me, and you too! And I don't want that! I don't want to lose you! You mean so much to me Zitao, you're everything I ever wanted and I want to be with you forever but they won't let me, they'd rather kill me than let me go, I know too much Zitao and I don't want to drag you into my mess!" Tears started streaming down his face as he bared his soul to the other man. "I just! I love you so much Zitao!" The younger wailed. "And I don't want to lose you, you of all people! Anyone but you!"

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao looked at his lover for a moment before looking away from him. He didn't want Junhong to see the hurt in his eyes. Was it that hard to tell him he loves him? Was it that hard to just let himself go and put his complete trust in Zitao? Now the young swordsman was the one that was hurting for telling his feelings too soon. So soon. Maybe he should have withheld the truth until Junhong was ready to tell him himself, then he wouldn't be hurting like this. "Why can't you say it? Am I not good enough? Do you not feel enough for me? What's wrong with me that you can't trust me completely?" This wasn't helping his self doubt at all. All he could do was second guess and assume, while all he needed was solid conformation and reassurance. This just wasn't fair. None of it was and it was getting harder and harder to keep his tears at bay. So much so that his heart ached and his breathing changed a little. He couldn't let Junhong see him this way. He couldn't let him see him so weak when his lover couldn't show him his own weaknesses. Rolling over onto his side away from the other boy, he sniffed silently as a tear fell, then another, and then a wave of tears after that.

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong bit his bottom lip, recognizing the hope light up and die again in his lover's eyes and it hurt him, it truly did, it made Junhong wish he wasn't this weak, this scared and such a coward. "You should know." He said weakly after Zitao's rant. "How you feel, I feel the same." It felt as if all his strength had left him as he tried to convey to Zitao how he felt without the use of those three words, he simply could not, not yet. "But Zitao." He said softly, and looked at the other sadly, "I can't say it..." He whispered, getting desperate. "Not yet, please." Junhong quieted down at that, he had never begged anyone like this, he, Choi Junhong, assassin in Heuksa Chorong, holding the rank of a Raven, never begged. But it seemed that to the one person he loved, Choi Junhong did beg after all. He looked at Zitao with pleading eyes. "Can't you wait?" He whispered softly as his hand still rested on Zitao's abdomen. "I will tell you, but right now I can't..." Junhong felt so bare, figuratively speaking, since technically, he was sitting there without any clothes. The feeling scared him honestly, and he was afraid of how it would be when he told the other how he felt, it would be worse, worse than this, exposing such a fragile feeling to the other man, Junhong just could not do it, no matter how much he trusted him, he could not.

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao didn't deny him a kiss when he pressed his lips to his, he just couldn't find the strength to kiss him back. It's not like his kisses would matter anyway. Junhong's had so much better than him over the years, so what could he really do for him. Looking up at his love when he pulled away, he didn't take it to heart when he called him an idiot. To think that he was good enough, physical attraction or more or not, he truly had to be an idiot. Then he saw a light at the end of the tunnel when it seemed like Junnie was going to say those special words. The three words he's never heard before, the light in his eyes died the moment he interrupted himself and got off of his waist. Special. He was special and he knew it, but he didn't know how he was special. He didn't know how he was different. Better. No explanations just words that could mean a lot or so little depending on the person and the interpretation. All this beating around the bush wasn't working for him. He needed straight blunt answers or else his new found self-doubt and insecurity was going to get the best of him. "You what Junhong? What were you going to say before? How am I different? Special? Better? I'm not understanding, because so much could be understood without words just as much as misunderstands and misinterpretations. Just tell me what you want to say."

@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong's eyes widened at Zitao's words. No it wasn't like that, those were the wrong words, he had wanted Zitao to know how special he was, not think that he was less than any of those others. It felt like a stab though his heart, Zitao meant so much to him, he did not want the other to think anything less. Getting up from Zitao's chest, he continued to lean over him, on hands and knees, looking at his lover while he looked at the sky. The sad expression almost tore him apart. No, it was not like that at all. Cupping both Zitao's cheeks, Junhong leaned in and kissed the man, throughly. Letting his fingers run though the other's hair, gripping lightly but lovingly before pulling back and looking at Zitao again, in his eyes this time. "It's not like that you idiot." He whispered softly, now feeling like he was the one who would cry. "You're so so much better than them, my attraction to them is physical, purely physical while for you, I feel so so much more." Running his fingers down Zitao's face, he traced the shape of his eyes, nose lips, chin. "I thought I had made it clear to you Zitao, I-I" Junhong blinked and looked away. He could not say it, he could not bare himself like that, "I thought you had understood it without words." He said softly, feeling sad as he sat up, crawling off Zitao and sitting down next to him, his hand resting on Zitao's abdomen, not wanting to lose contact. Now, instead of feeling frustrated, he felt disappointed. Had he misread Zitao after all? Did Zitao not understand him after all, Junhong had thought he did, hoped he did, making those words between them unnecessary when he was the one unable to say them. "You mean so much..." His words were faint as he stared at the forest, "You're different, you're... you're special Zitao, you're not like them, you're better."

@☣ [R] Choi JunHong Zitao would have preferred for Junhong to lie to him this once. More than just withholding the truth like he usually does. To know that his lover actually found other men attractive when Zitao hadn't even looked at anyone else before or after he Junhong came into his life unnerved him. This was all new to him, so how was he supposed to handle this? What was Junhong doing to him? Usually he kept his emotions in check, but now it was like all those years of training were useless and his feelings were running wild. Junhong's efforts to get him to let go didn't go in vain. Zitao knew he could have overpowered him to keep his grip, but if Junhong didn't want to touch him, then he didn't want to touch him either. Letting go of his hair, he took his hands off his back and spread out his arms beside him and looked up at the sky. The more Junhong talked the worse he felt and his attempt at trying to remedy the situation at the end didn't help, because it led to other thoughts. "Not the same as me? How so Junhong? Huh? They're better lovers then me, right? Can give you pleasure that I can't. Can make you feel things that I can't. I'm just a fumbling amateur that can barely keep up and they're experienced enough to take you to make you feel things that I can't." Zitao's chest swelled and he felt like crying, but he can't. He never cried before even when his training was the worst and he wasn't going to cry now.

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@★ [P] Huang Zitao Junhong let out a soft sigh of relief when Zitao's grip lightened, at least he had heard him when he told his lover he was hurting him. Junhong listened to Zitao's accusations and nodded slowly in agreement. "Sometimes." He told the other as he gripped Zitao's wrist, wanting the other male to really let go of him, he had been serious when he had told Zitao to let him go. Junhong was not in the mood for cuddling anymore, the moment had been quite ruined with this and the younger sighed in disappointment, he did not often get the chance to cuddle like that, even though it had been nice and sweet and everything else, it surely couldn't continue with their moods like this, besides, Zitao's grip was anything but loving and gentle right now. "It's not like I can help it, not all the men who visit me are old and ugly and fat." He said as he pried Zitao's hands off him, the glare his lover was giving him was not one Junhong liked, where did those warm eyes of Zitao disappear to, was this what jealousy did to a man? "The attraction is purely physical though." He said and looked away. "It's normal, for a man to feel attraction to someone he finds handsome." Junhong was defending himself, he realized, and at the same time, he wanted Zitao to stop this stupid jealousy, he wanted his warm and loving Zitao back again. "But they're not the same as you." He tried, though it had cost him a lot of courage to utter those words and admit how special Zitao was to him.