♙ Lately I've been wondering...

When was the last time I did something I truly enjoyed doing?
Not trying to sound depressed or anything, I'm not, I think, but there is this thing I'm supposed to be doing and I haven't been doing it properly for the last 6 months, despite freaking out over it and crying over my own procrastinating self.
Yet here I am, not doing it again.

So I wonder to myself : Is it because I really don't enjoy doing it? Or is it because I'm just an extremely lazy useless person? Is a lack of enjoyment truly such a significant reason? Is a lack of enjoyment mentally blocking me from doing it?

Then I ask myself : If I hate this so much, what do I enjoy? I rarely do what I would like to. I choose what would be most optimal given the current situation and my short-term goals (GPA, passing exams, etc.).

Side note : This is why most of my characters do whatever they would like to.

Anyways, what do I enjoy? Would the problem be solved if I switched to doing that? My mother recently said something I thought I'd never hear from ... to stop doing what I'm doing if I don't like it.

Would have been great if she had said that sooner. Encouraged me to do what I like when I was making the choices and hadn't already invested years and thousands of Euros in it.

That's not the point.

Can I stop? Should I?

and

Is me going down the deep end truly a result of a lack of enjoyment? Wouldn't I be enjoying myself plenty if only I was actually doing well?

I think I am letting myself slip into a black hole and I will certainly regret it, but what can I do? I'm a weak person who lacks willpower and always has.

I should kill the useless thing inside me and do what I should, but I just don't want to. Not enough, anyhow. Which brings me back to the question... is this because I lack enjoyment in what I should be doing? Does enjoyment change anything, or would I be the same, weak-willed person?

Probably.

Sounds like I'm useless, but I know I'm not.

So what am I, because I'm clearly not doing what I should be. And yet, I don't want to do anything else because it makes me feel bad and it makes me more complacent, weaker.

Oh well.