Hello everyone :)

This is going to get really sad because as I was typing this up on my phone, I was also crying half the time so please just bear with my grammar mistakes and weird sentence structures.

So umm... Hi everyone. 

Everyone, my friends. I think of you all dearly. I know that I just show it a lot. And it can get out of hand. I like to make people around me smile, I try my best to not be in your guys’ way. But I Umm... Sometimes it hurts that I feel like I did something wrong and even if I did, and I do apologize with sincerity, it hurts even more to not talk to you guys anymore. You know... When i make friends, I really am open. I’m open and even if you might not be, I understand. But it just hurts a lot when we’ve drifted apart. 

At night, I cry a lot. It stinks I know I have problems but even if there are people out there that make me really happy, it still scares me what if I lose someone or almost lose someone again. It’s been a huge problem of mine. And the next morning, my friends ask why am I so happy. Why is it i have so much energy in school and be able to laugh. Because I think about you guys, that I’m able to get off the bed and start anew. But because I always think about you all, I cry at night too.

i’m already planning on seeing a psychologist at my school. there are times when I think to myself, “if I hadn’t been so nice” or “if I had been just a little bit less clingy” or “if only I could understand” maybe I wouldn’t have lost you guys. 

And it hurts it hurts a lot. It’s painful to go through old memories and then think what happened to us. It hurts even more to see everyone happy and I try to be happy as well but I can only take so much you know? Each time I talk to new people, I tell my heart to not get its hopes up. I sometimes even convince myself all these people are going to be temporary and one day, i’ll Look in front of the mirror and be like “I told you so!”. 

I believed in so many forms of niceness from other people and it’s just the best feeling ever to make other people happy because I feel like i’m worth it, I feel like I can have you guys and be lucky enough. But then i’m Always afraid if one day, you guys leave. I won’t be able to pick myself back up because of who I am and what I am.

it hurts a lot you know. It hurts a lot to see everyone I hold dearly go because I lie down and think to myself “What did I do wrong this time?” 

I’ve only been this open to people close to me. But I decided to just let out my thoughts. I’m not asking for comments, i’m letting you know now that if you know me or see me in roleplays and think that i’m nice or too nice or happy, know that it’s just me with my phone trying my best to laugh again despite inside i’m broken and my heart is bandaging itself everyday.