screw you

so, lately, i’ve been feeling pretty . 

i’ve been crying, sobbing, sleeping my life away, holding back smiles and laughter, and of course, bringing myself down. 

i don’t like telling people i do this — i don’t broadcast it or ask for help or comfort because it’s just not me and i don’t do that. a lot of my childhood was spent bottling my feelings up because it was just better to take care of others and forget about my feelings. 

lately, i’ve been called selfish a few times. 

i understand that — i ignore people, i ignore certain responsibilities and things i should be doing but...

there’s one thing in my life that i have done and am still doing, that was my act of selflessness. 

i’m not going to say what it is. 

lately, my feelings have just dropped onto me like a ton of potato sacks, and i’m drowning in the starch (lmao)

this happens. it’s been happening a lot lately because a lot of my friends or people i know have been feeling very down and just out of it, and of course, i try my best to help. i help with jokes, happiness, and reassurances. 

i say stuff to others that i can’t say to myself. 

“i’m proud of you”

”i believe in you”

”everything will be fine”

i never say these things to myself. 

but ever so recently—

i had an epiphany. 

negativity and sadness isn’t out of my control

i am the ONLY ONE who controls my happiness. I AM the one who controls what i think, what i feel, and what i say. 

so why am i doing this to myself?

why am i the one who’s sad and depressed when i am constantly telling people that it’s not good for them?

well you know what

screw you, mind. 

i’m going to be happy. 

i’m going to make my life the best life i could ever live. i’m going to make my life worth something for not only me but for others. 

screw you, negativity. 

positivity is my ONLY hoe