psychology, the life as a recluse

not to brag or anything, but, like, i had a lot of great friends

but you ever get to that point in life when you just don't care but you care too much?

hi, welcome to this really weird seminar-

looking through old friends lists, friends appreciation lists, old tags, you realize how much more you used to mean to people. it's kind of weird, though, because irl i have many friends and i'm actually living a relatively good life right now. i believe the burst of my social life irl became the downfall of my social life on rpr. 

i haven't been joining that many rps, lately. unfortunately for admins i tend to reserve a character and then completely forget about it soon after. it's pretty sad but there's nothing i can do it about it unfortunately- i have the memory of a goldfish and i would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body.

forgetting to talk to people who matter to me is like second nature.

back in the day, i once read a post on instagram. it said that if you ever feel like you're always the one starting the conversation first: never start the conversation again. and you'll see how much you don't mean to that person. and i know, it's some dumb, angsty, edgy tumblr post but... i still think about it to this day. i think about it when i remember someone, someone i know and love and still talk to today, that i haven't actually talked to in a week or so because they don't really talk to me first. they're busy. they're stressed. they're exhausted. they're unhealthy. i try to think those things but it doesn't always work out like that, you know?

you think: they don't want to talk to me. they reply to my replies to be polite. they don't actually want to talk to me. they don't even remember me. they say they miss me but the last time they thought of me was when i was pestering them. they think i'm annoying. they think i'm boring.

maybe it's not dumb. maybe it's not stupid to think this way. because there are people out there who have lost interest in me, whether it be because i have changed or because they changed. maybe i am annoying. maybe i am immature. maybe i did pester them a lot.

maybe.

you notice, the people you once adored, you send 5 texts and they say one. you tell them a long story and they reply with an "lmao" or a "lol same" and it's as if they expect you to be able to keep going with that. what do i say after that? do i not matter to you so that you can make a comment on what i said? was it so boring that there was really nothing more to say?

maybe that's why i've started distancing myself from people on here. 

there are a select few people i still keep in contact with. i'm only really in two rps right now, mostly just one, and everyone i speak to is in there. 

maybe i'm the one who doesn't care. probably. i spent so long not speaking to people, with my awful moodswings and tendencies to just give up everything. i'm trying to get better. it's hard when i've already been made into someone who just won't talk. someone of less importance.

but i surround myself with those who i know like me. those who care for me. they ask me if i'm okay. they get worried when i say i'm sick. and i'm not saying that those who didn't ask that for me are bad. we can't click with everyone, we can't care about everyone. especially those we don't love as much, those who are only there for a moment of our lives. those who pass by like a leaf in the wind, never to be seen again, lost in a pile of their own kind.

it's not their fault. maybe it's my fault. i won't hold myself to that title for the rest of my life, but when i'm sad, i will think about it. how i'm an awful friend and how i should've been a better friend. 

but where's the line between checking in and being annoying?

i feel like i don't know that line. asking people "how was your day" to the extent that it's annoying. i don't know if i've ever crossed that path. 

what's annoying for me is when the person just says "it was okay" and then nothing else. how do i go off of that? tell me the details. we're friends, aren't we? tell me about the squirrel you saw eating a kid's face off. tell me about the library book you saw where the author had a funny last name. tell me about your day. or i'll stab you. with my love.

and then comment on my day, when i tell you. if your day was truly mediocre, at least attempt to try and comment on mine. 

it's hard. it's annoying. but i like you. i want to be your friend. it's hard when it seems you don't want to be mine. 

but, whatever. i have plenty of friends.

the ones i lost are my fault, that i have no connections to them. maybe they think it's their fault but i bet they haven't thought once about it. 

i don't care. go ahead without me.

i'm still here. head full of memories, heart full of love. 

and a collar full of chemistry for your company-- okno

anyways, sad times with psych/tsuki. was looking through some old and got sad. especially when you kinda realize you kinda didn't mean much to some people or you were just,,, a person to them and not a friend rip

buuuut i'm trying to think positvely. for those who haven't heard from me in a while- hey! i'm on my new account tsukiyomi. have been for over a year now lol. like i said i'm forgetful as heck so ,,, if you wanna talk to me over there... good luck. my replies are spotty.

this wasn't directed to anyone in particular. honestly it's a mixture of people on here and people irl. it's kinda sad but i'm a hypocrite because i do the same sometimes. i try not to, though. BUT happens. i understand. people are busy and it's my stupid brain that makes everything 100x more complicated and self-deprecating than it should. what are you gonna do tho

i hope you have a good march. i've been trying to join rps lately but whenever i reserve i get SUPER busy and never see the light of day and... ugh. even if you were one of the people i was talking about in this blog i love you and i want you to have a good life :c and text me every once and a while and we can have a good chat

imma go now bc it's just rambling and no one will read this. just wanted to get some thoughts out instead of having a lowkey breakdown. hah ah aha : )

byeee

psyche/tsuki, out