What a long journey it has been to come up with the courage and honesty to speak socially about this personal issue I have been hiding for so long. I believe that I have this condition.. it's called body dysphoria. Some of you may have heard of it, seen it, experienced it, or have never even been exposed to what it is or what it may seem to be. That's okay. Naturally, we are all at different understandings of different topics and that's perfectly fine. It's what you would call normal. Now I know, those of you reading this blog post may click off due to becoming uninterested, lack of patience, lack of connection, or even lack of understanding when it comes to this. You may see the length of this entry, and immediantly be turned off by it's wordy, boring, sentences of irrelevent information that doesn't even pertain to you. My objective of writing this is absolutely NOT to get those who feel the need to sympathsize for me. I want to connect to those who are young, old, male, female, and everything in between. Those who have body issues with acceptance, image, social pressure, anxiety, ocd, and endless heartbreak over something so beautiful as a body. It's crazy to think that the one thing pulling us throughout the day, is also the one thing we spend thousands on bruising, and implanting unneccesary things in to, in order "fit in" or be praised as some type of aesthetic goddess. I will not blame those who do invest in surgeries and undergo cosmetic procedues because in all honesty.. my confession is only the brink of that..
Im beautiful. My past boyfriends and girlfriends have thought that.. my mother.. my father.. my sister.. they don't express it often, but they tell me it sometimes, just here and there to let me know. But why do I feel a slight bit of anger? Why do I look in to the mirror and can only see exactly the opposite of what they believe is "beautiful" on me. Yet I swallow these thoughts and the small little demons that enjoy my company, and force a smile with a delicate "thank you", pleasant at sound. But I don't feel beautiful.. in fact I feel everything other than beautiful.. not y, not feminine, not even pretty. I feel.. out of place with myself and those around me who seem substantiouly more attractive than me. So where do I go for a sense of belonging? The same thing that led me to believe my features weren't as equal as other women around me. Media. Beautful celebrities around the world impact young individuals who strive for a sense of beauty as vivid and as promising as the ones our adored celebrities lay out for us. Kylie Jenner. She's beautiful, so incredibly stunning.. yet so is Angelina Jolie.. and Megan Fox. Im not here to say that these beautiful women of fame are the reason that I feel so uncomfortable with myself, but im also not here to say that they have nothing to do with it. Money.. society.. social class.. connections. They all play a part at how attractive a person can get. With enough money, comes endless "beauty", and with enough "beauty" comes more followers... with those followers your social class rises and so do your connections. Thus, a beautiful instagram model, celebrity, and face of the new headline magazine, is birthed into the world of beauty and fame.
I've never been the type to dislike so much about myself. But as I gotten older, I realized all my little imperfections. Which in all reality, aren't imperfections, yet I know this.. and somehow my brain still believes i'm so far from where I need to be. My eyes see a different picture, than what is truly drawn. I wish for a rhinoplasty, laser hair removal, perfect thick eyebrows, beautiful pearly white teeth, tanner pigment, a sculted beach body, and much fuller lips. I never wanted any of this done five years back. I didn't mind what people thought of me and that's just the bottom line.. or so it was. Over the years, I grew this fascination ( which may be a weak word for say ), to be absolutely stunning in the eyes of society. A beautiful goddess, of aestheticism at the least to say. I didn't want all the praise.. just a good portion of acknowledgment, for my looks. Which, I had never before gotten.
I haven't changed my mind about the procedures I want done, and im sure I never will. I know I have something incredibly wrong when it comes to the correlation of my mind and my eyes. Im not perceiving what I should be.. like many beautiful women out there, im being manipulated by society and what it has to offer to the young vulnerable minds of our youth today. I don't hope to turn your idea(s), if you had any, about cosmetic surgery around.. but I hope you realize you're not alone.. I hope we can stand together as one.. and come to understand ourselves better through one another, and the need for "perfection" in such an imperfect world like this. May peace and absolute love, shower over all of you. Thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out.. <3
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