WARNING: PERSONAL PSYCH DRAMA OTW. TURN BACK IF YOU AIN'T INTERESTED. ya'll know I post blogs when I'm sick of life haha AND ALSO THIS IS PRETTY LONG SO..
I woke up one day, things happened fast. I finally knew there were people lying to me, I realized I've been being used because I was too nice. I needed to get through the day without talking about it with anyone cuz like my best friend's not in class nor in my neighborhood.
I woke up the next day, I realized my family were the only ones who cared. I was happy and sad at the same time. I had to pass by the people I used to hang out with, my head hanging low because I might just punch the out of their senses. I don't even do that normally. I realized they're unworthy of my time and besides, I had a bunch of other friends I could hang out with. I regret hanging out with those abusive people instead of just bonding with my real friends. End of the day coming upon me again.
I woke up a few hours later..like 3 am, looked at the mirror. I had this feeling like I hated what I see..my reflection..because I felt like I wasn't the me I've always wanted to be. I'm acting different. Towards myself, I feel indifferent. I sat on the couch in the living room, all lights off and all doors closed. That night was the release of BTS' Singularity. I'm actually glad they had the translations already ready. And my soul wasn't even ready. I don't know, I had to watch it.
[I hummed along to the sort of familiar melody..]
A sound of something breaking
I awake from sleep
A sound full of unfamiliarity
Try to cover my ears but can’t go to sleep
Here I am, awake at 3 am, feeling ever so connected even with the very first verse.
[Tears were already streaming down my face..]
The pain in my throat gets worse
Try to cover it
I don’t have a voice
Today I hear that sound again
I knew that I had a problem, I don't think I could tell anyone because even I don't know what exactly is wrong with me.
[My thoughts were blurring my mind..]
It’s ringing again, that sound
A crack again on this frozen lake
I dumped myself into the lake
I buried my voice for you
Over the winterlake I was thrown
I thought, "I have no right to destroy anyone's mood and life by bugging them to help me. I don't want them to leave me because I was such a problematic person.."
[Whenever I look into the mirror, was it me?]
A thick ice has formed
In thedream I shortly went into
My agonizing phantom pain is still the same
Have I lost myself
Do I really imagine myself being so happy with fake loving people? Do they help me be me...the real me?
[Confusion was the only thing blurring and mixing most of my thoughts now.]
Or have I gained you
I suddenly run to the lake
There’s my face in it
Please don’t say anything
Was having these people around me something I should celebrate? I don't even know myself because of how they dictate my life..
[What is truth? I feel so lost...]
Reach my hand out to cover the mouth
But in the end, spring will come someday
The ice will melt and flow away
Tell me if my voice isn’t real
Will someone actually try and ask me what really is wrong? Someday, I do hope there will be someone who will ask why I'm acting this way.
If I shouldn’t have thrown myself away
Tell me if even this pain isn’t real
What I was supposed to do back then
Am I thinking too much? Am I acting normal? Have I really been a pain in the ? What was I supposed to do back then?
This album, BTS Tear...it just popped outta nowhere when I needed it. I mean I still need people, but when there are none of these people I could talk to, where do I go? In a dark room, with just music playing loud 'til my eardrums hurt. I don't know how I could ask help, in any way, I could only think of letting people read the lyrics of what I listen to every day. I do believe that a person's playlist depicts his or her identity and personality or mood or whatever is running in his or her mind at moments.
I needed to write this. I needed help.
You say I’m unfamiliar, changed into the one you used to like
You say I’m not myself which you knew well — Fake Love
Because I can’t come to you
There’s no name you can call me
You know that I can’t
Show you ME
Give you ME
I can’t show you a run-down part of myself
I wear a mask again and go to see you —The Truth Untold
The song has stopped, the song has died
You erased me, you forgot me — 134340
But the real world is
Different from what’s promised
I don’t have a dream
To have a dream, is sometimes scary
To just live like this
To survive like this is a small dream to me
To have a dream, to grasp a dream
To breathe, is sometimes too much to handle
Saying this person’s living like this, that person’s living like that
The world’s swearing at me —Paradise
Trapped in a maze of decisions
Exhausted by all the different chaos
We’ve wandered around, looking for the answer
Lost in the maze, in the darkness
People say
That I’ll end up a fool
But I don’t wanna use my head
I don’t wanna calculate
Love ain’t a business
Rather like a fitness
I’ve never been in a calculating love
No matter what others say, don’t listen
Just let’em talk, whatever they say
The more they do, the more I’m sure — Love Maze
On days where I hate myself for being me, on days where I want to disappear forever
Let's make a door. It's in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?
All the sincerity, the remaining times
All your answers are in this place you found
In your Milky Way, inside your heart — Magic Shop
An odd kid
He sang as if he was breathing
Wherever was fine
He only wanted to do music
Only singing
The thing that made his heart beat
Although he walked down the only path — Airplane pt. 2
Sometimes I’m afraid of all this
Because I came to have so many things that I love
Some say, you’re almost an old fossil now
You’re not qualified, Just do what you’ve been doing before —Anpanman
In a sigh, lots of worries are hiding
Stop thinking about it, You already know it all
In the middle of the road,in the moment you want to give up
Shout out louder
So what, what, what
There’s nothing that works out as I wanted
There’s even fewer places for me to hide
It’s already been a while since the dice were rolled
If you dawdle, you’ll be swept away, ohbae
90% of your worries are an imaginary swamp that you created
Just go instead of worrying, Don’t get scared, cheer up
Shout it out, So what, what — So What
What should I say
We know
The answer is fixed
But replying is always hard — Outro: Tear
And in the end, I'm still on the plank, walking down the path of identity crisis. Man, I still feel so lost. I feel blind. I keep saying everyone has left me. But am I the one they left or did they just leave the fake me and are embracing the real me?
Wrote this from 7:30 pm to 11:28 pm. I need some sleep. Hopefully I wake up to loving myself?
How do you love yourself really..? I forgot how to since I've been bullied and been verbally hurt by some of my family members,,
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