This Is Why I Hurt
July 27, 2013 at 7:03am
Why does my life hurt?
early childhood: multipule , kidnapping, people always yelling
school: beat up and harassed by classmates the entire time I was in school, starting in preschool until my last day of middle school. (I never went to a highschool.)
Age 14: I was punished for not being straight, and my parents brought my whole family into it..
first love: told me I was stupid alot, got mad at me for trying to help him, said imma bad bf, told me I needed to go on a diet all the time, blamed me for his problems, forced me to his when I didn't want to once.Then my mom found out about us and punished me for being with him, and guess how she did that?
punishement: made me quit my job, wouldn't allow me to leave the house without her, wouldn't let me use the internet or a phone (and I was in homeschool, so I literally saw NOBODY outside of my house except when we went to the store for groceries)that's when I was 16.. I was locked up, and alone.. when I told her I wanted to be able to do things, socialize, and make friends.. she just told me "You can socialize with us." and that's all. I didn't have a single friend..
age 17: Step dad told me "You're on your OWN!" (literally like that) "we aren't going to support you anymore. You can feed yourself." after I had gone to work that day (they let me get a job again over a year later) and at work I found out I was supposed to be there the day before, but I didn't know, so they sent me home. I thought I was gonna be fired. I took a walk down the street and was crying.. then I went back to the store and called my parents to pick me up. They got mad at me and said i'm a disobedient and bad child because I left the store where I worked without permission from them.. I just went down the ing street, I was just CRYING and upset! I just needed some space to myself for a moment.. but no.. that means I was BAD and didn't deserve to be fed by them! :'''(((((and my step dad even said I was probably just out sleeping with people or something, that's how low he thinks of me :'((
Also at 17: my hyung (the one I talked about in my other wall posts) hurt me over and over again, using my own weaknesses against me, and he told me he never cared about me in the first place.. that it was all just a game to him.. he was the only one that ever took care of me, that was something I always wanted.. he babied me, he told me it was ok when I messed up.. he let me cry on him, he told me he loved me..
age 18: I was still in highschool, only had a part time job, still didn't really have friends because lots of people thought I was weird.. I was kinda clingy, and emotional.. but it's not my fault.. I was always so scared and in pain.. nobody understood..and that's when my parents kicked me out.They only gave me 4 ing days to find somewhere to live! :'''((((((((((
A few months later: *****************************been working 3 jobs to pay for *******************, I was so exhasted, nearly collapsing every single day, often even hallucinating from severe lack of sleep.. I was running on empty.. **********..then I got told out of nowhere***********************I totally lost it then.. I just let ***********************, because I felt so low.. I just wanted to be hurt and punished.. I felt like everything wrong with me is my fault.. I just told people to hurt me.. make me feel even more disgusting.. make me feel like , because that's all I am..*********************, and yelled at me, and accused me of just wanting ******************************* that everything was my fault.. *********************************.. They don't UNDERSTAND what it did to me by************.. I was so close.. I had nothing else to look forward to NOTHING :''((((( I was exhasted, hurt, and on my very last hope..and it was shattered..and somehow that's MY fault too!
(I blocked some of that out for personal reasons T.T)
and i've just been falling to pieces now,and even still it's all my fault in everyone's eyes! I've been to the doctor because it's so bad it's affecting my every day life,and instead of asking if i'm ok.. everyone around me just gets mad at me :''((
boss at work - gets mad when i'm a few minutes late sometimes, even though she knows i've had severe insomnia, and I always call in if i'm running late.
mom - gets mad at me for not texting her all the time
friend in rp - yells at me for not pming him fast enough, even though I told him what's wrong.. he just gets mad at me and doesn't care..
bestie - ignores me whenever I have problems. He just seems to only want me around when I can fix his problems..
and there's no one else really..
lots of people leave me too...
now I just think these things:
i'm ugly..
i'm disgusting..
i'm worthless..
i'm fat,
nobody cares about me for real,
I'm not worth anyone's time
I'm a bad person..
no one wanna be around me..
nobody loves me..
i'm a waste of existance..
I hate myself.
I puke up my food now,
and I wanna get plastic surgery,
I wanna be someone better..
I think i'm just an ugly boy.. I really really hate myself..
How could I love myself after everyone throws me away? After I have absolutely no support..
i'm always expected to be the strong one..
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE THE KID FOR ONCE?!?! WHY CAN'T SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME!? :'''(((((((
-curls up on the floor and sobs loudly-
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Son Na Eun Yaa! Y u keep help people while ur own prob is not finished ;A;
I wanna hug u tight ><
Poor u..
Let me help u if u have prob..
I might reply late but i'll help u until i'm lost.. ><
Saturday at 7:13am via mobile · Like · 1
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