My Perfectionism

Listen To This While Reading This Post It'll really help you understand me better, so please listen..

 

I wonder if i'm just killing myself slowly..

Other people think so,

But they're wrong.

When I read about some of the things that (Kpop) trainees do, it reminds me of how i'll push myself,

because I wanna be one of them..

 

I'm an 18 year old boy.

My entire life all i've wanted to do was be a performer,

even when I was still young enough to be wearing diapers.

Nobody really supported my dreams,

my family thought it was just a childhood phase..

but when your 6 year old son does things every day like organizing all the other children in his daycare group into plays that he wrote the scripts for all by himself, dresses them all up, has them all acting, and gives himself the leading role. Or when he begs and begs to have things like toy microphones, is always wanting to sing and dance, and asks for dancing lessons day after day, year after year, all throughout his earlier childhood. When he tries out for all the school plays in primary school, and for the solos in music class performances,

when he tells you the only thing he likes about school is his music class, art classes, and occasional acting classes,

and when he spends every ounce of his freetime teaching himself dances or songs, constantly wanting nothing more than to learn, and begs you for piano lessons, dance lessons, or singing lessons..

When he gets his friends to form a band with him, and encourages everyone else when they have stage fright,

when the only thing you can do to punish him when he's been bad is to take away music and books that will teach him more about music, and not let him watch videos to learn dances..

maybe.. I dunno, just MAYBE that ACTUALLY means something.

Maybe he felt discouraged his whole childhood, because nobody took him seriously. Everyone thought it was just a game.

He only ever had one dream.. why didn't you ever help him? Why'd you even go far enough to PREVENT him from taking oppertunities during highschool to learn more about the only thing he ever loved doing? But at the same time constantly encouring his sister who wanted to be an artist, helping her, buying supplies for her..

she got to do murals, she got to teach a HIGHSCHOOL art class in middle school AND had art colleges wanting her even at that age.

How is that fair? How is that ing fair :'(((((

 

and just look at me now..

i'm totally losing it.

I don't have a grip on myself.

I HATE myself.

I never once took classes that could help me have the skills I need right now.. 

I want to audition,

but I don't have any skills.

It doesn't matter that i'm good at learning,

that I have the ability to teach myself to play instruments, I taught myself to read music,

I teach myself song lyrics, and dances.

Without proper instruction,

I won't learn everything I need to know.

Raw talents are like diamonds being left uncut, unpolished, and in the ground.

 

What do I do now?

I just wanna be a performer. I always have.. 

 

I love how it feels to be on a stage,

I love having people watch me,

(I have been part of a dance group before, but it was a long time ago, and not very professional)

I love it when they stop to take pictures,

I love doing the performance, as well as greeting the audience,

nothing else can make me feel good on the inside like that can..

 

More than anything, I wanna audition for Kpop. That's all I care about now..

1. I'm on a diet, I need to lose weight to stand a chance for sure.. i've developed an eating disorder, and I honestly don't care. I feel like it's good actually, I won't just gain the weight i'm losing back again.

2. I'm going back to my old habit of practicing my singing for hours on end, until I have to stop because i've almost lost my ability to speak.

3. I'm constantly working on my appearance, and hating what I have to work with. You wouldn't believe the I put myself through. I tell myself that i'm disgusting and ugly, and way to ing fat. I need to improve my body ALOT before I would even dare to audition. I pick on myself. I tell myself my singing and needs more improvement, that my rapping skills are pitiful, that no one wants to see me dance because i'm just way to ugly and fat to dance in front of people.

4. I spend forever trying to make myself look more asian. I'm mixed race, mostly white. and that just doesn't ing cut it. You can probably tell i'm harsh with myself.. if you think so, you are damn right. I'm a huge to myself. I have to be, or I won't get any better.. I know I won't.. 

and don't tell me i'm fine how I am,

I AM NOT ING FINE HOW I AM!!! I'M UGLY!! YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! 

 

I don't care what it ing takes i'm not going to rest until i'm good enough, i'm 18 now, my parents can't hold me back anymore, or anyone else in my family.. no one can tell me that every thing about me is just a ING PHASE!

I'm so ing tired of it,

I can't take it anymore I CAN'T!

I'm LGBT, I always have been - according to my family that's NOT me JUST A PHASE

I like dating asians, I always have, it's just what I find attractive - also, just a PHASE.

I want a career as a performer - JUST. A. PHASE.

I like other cultures better than american culture, always have since my childhood.. that too, just a phase.

my hobbies - just a phase

my personality - just a phase

my career goals - just a phase

everything about me - JUST A ING PHASE!

 

I sound like i'm losing it don't I?

Can't I be allowed to lose it!!!!

I'm just so so so ing tired of being misunderstood,

pushed to the side,

yelled at,

told i'm not good enough,

mistreated,

hurt...

kicked out of my parents house for being myself,

they told me i'm a bad influence on the younger kids.. just because i'm not a straight perfect little child..

yeah everyone.. i'm so sorry I didn't turn out straight. I'm sorry i'm a bit of a diva and I love performing, i'm sorry I didn't want a boring career and 2.5 children when I grow up,

i'm sorry I can't be normal like the rest of your kids..

I never did anything bad,

I wasn't mean, or violent,

I never did drugs or used alcohol,

I obeyed my parents..

but everything went downhill,

because i'm not who they want me to be,

i'm not acceptable ;_;

 

Blog Post On My Past (please read if you're reading this post)

 

and now i'm all alone..

and so mean to myself..

I wanna be a better person..

I wanna be good enough to at least have my dreams..

 

I wanna stop being alone..

and have friends for real..

no one wants to be around me though..

i've become a clingy depressed person with too much baggage from my past..

and nobody wants me..

 

nobody understands how alone I am..

 

I hurt so bad..

 

and I think i'm bad.

I need to punish myself..

I NEED to be harsh with myself! Because not only am I not good enough, i'm a bad person.. I need pain and punishment, I need to keep hurting!! 

 

o~~~~o b-but.. I also just wanna be able to fall apart and cry on someone.. why can't I ever do that..

why is there nobody..

 

why does everyone leave me.. ;~~~;

 

don't give me pity,

it's pointless..

and anyway,

i'm scared of girls (just saying cus most here are girls)

In my life, alot of bad things that've happened to me were caused by girls.. I mean, ALOT. Now I don't want girls too close..

it's nothing personal at all,

I just can't help it, I can't get over my fear.. 

i'm sorry..