About motivation and replies....

(If we're currently rp'ing together you might wanna read this)

I’ve lived with myself for almost 21 years now so I think it’s safe to say that I know my patterns. And my most basic pattern is that I discover or re-discover an interest, get super intense about it, stick with it for a while (ranging from 6 months to two or three years) and then I drop it just to pick it back up after a while. I can’t help it but get infested in different creative things and giving it my all. And no matter what it is, art, dancing, cosplay, writing, crafting, gaming.... it lasts for a while, I lose interest, take a break and pick it up again.

However, recently the periods of that, the cycle of being motivated, losing motivation, taking a break and getting motivated again, are getting shorter. And frustratingly so.

I grow unsatisfied with everything I do no matter what it is, quickly find something else to do and repeat it. 

The cycle went from half a year / years to months and even weeks or days.

This is probably because I’m stuck at home. We’ve been in a lockdown since November. And it was just extended to mid February. I’m stuck at home with nothing to do beside switch between my interests. 

And I’m just frustrated.

I wanna take breaks from the things I love because they frustrate me but then I don’t have anything else to do and get right back to them.

It’s a hellish cycle that I can’t break free from. My mental health suffers from it because I get incredibly inconsistent and it happens without a warning.

I could wake up one day with the urge of drawing and having the ideas and then I think “oh I could go write some replies” and in the blink of an eye I lose motivation and interest for both and I feel bad.

Because I stop talking to friends that I have because of and through those interests of mine. But then I start talking to them again. And then stop again without a warning.

And it’s just so inconsistent.

And I just feel weird. Feel out of place. Don’t feel like myself.  Don’t feel in general.

And I’m sorry to everyone that’s suffering from my weird mood swings.

I really don’t know what to do and with covid there really isn’t anything I could do in the first place.

I’d like to say “I’m gonna take a break and then get to replies” or “I’ll do my replies now” but to be honest... I don’t even know what’ll happen or how I’ll feel in an hour.