Honestly...

I don't write blogs to express myself because I'm not good at it. Even in real life, I am bad at expressing my feeling, my honest thoughts and even my opinions. Why?

I'm used to it.

What I want to say is I'm honestly scared of people. Especially on this site. After what happened to me and to some people, I couldn't trust anyone anymore. After I closed down Hotel Del Luna, I only join rps made by friends or people I know because, after HDL, I got scared of people. Knowing a user I know, I trust them it's a good place. Then I opened Pillowcase which is for friends only. This is what confuses me. Why people who are not a friend to the admins wanna join the RP? I made it friends only so I could feel safe around the people I know after what happened before. I'm sorry to those who have been offended with it being friends only but please respect the creator of the RP. It's like you entered someone's house and demanded the owner to draw the curtains or change the door or something. 

During Pillowcase is when I developed anxiety. There are many events that contribute to my anxiety. Even to this day, I got anxious about people I don't know. It builds up day by day and then one day, I couldn't keep myself together so I deactivated myself.  Even writing this right now, I'm shaking. I'm sorry to the people there because when I deactivate myself, the whole RP went to a draft. I just wanna leave quietly but I created chaos instead. I left this site for almost a month and I never have been such at peace. 

Then why did I came back? I love rping and I still have replies to do. However, I couldn't be as active as before and like some people said behind my back, I bring down the mood of a place. Another reason I couldn't be active in chat rooms. Well, mostly I'm slow and I couldn't catch up with what's in and out. Also, I don't online all the time because I have my OOC priorities (I have a life outside) so I'm often forgotten after making friends. haha and I am forgetful as well. - _ -

Then when the incident happens, the people I thought of as friends added to my anxiety and I became more scared. I can't trust anyone. I'm afraid that whatever I do might annoy someone or causes pain to others. I'm scared. My words could be easily misunderstood and twisted by third parties. I might have caused discomfort for some people and I'm sorry if you have ever felt uncomfortable with me. 

I am going to go on a private rps only which I have been doing for a while now since I can RP freely at my own pace. Maybe one day when I gained confidence and more free time, I'll come and join any rps that is interesting. Keep rping guys. I'm open to straight rps if you're interested in rping with me tho I might not be a good writer but I'll try my best. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant.  Have a nice day.