✽ tmi: i am in such a strange season in my life.

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Authorrealllllmino

Created Dec 4, 2024 02:07:17

I don't know if anyone else is experiencing such a strange season in their life as well but if you are and you have been feeling very alone in it, this blog post is meant for you to let you know that you are not alone. I realize that I am oversharing a bit here, but I have never been one to sugarcoat things—so I will not do it here.

[ tw. mentions of death, cancer, s*icide ]

My grandpa is getting older, like old, old. To the point where we don't know how much longer he will have with us. His health has been in decline for about 3 years now. When I was around 10~11 years old, he had stomach cancer but recovered well until recently. As a result of living with my grandparents and witnessing his body deteriorate day to day from his health and old age, I have been trying not to partake in anticipatory grief, but it is hard. No matter how much you prepare for the end, you will never be prepared for it when it actually happens. I am at that age, and the people around me are at that age where they are getting older. I feel like after losing one of my best friends, my cousin, and my uncle in the recent years, the grieving never ends. It is in this that I find myself so upset that life is like this. Life ends, and it's so unfair to still be here, having to be the one to live on and watch the people you love go. I joke here, but it feels like a scam. Living.

There's a book I finished fairly recently. It's Molly by Blake Butler. I highly recommend it if you are not afraid of very sensitive topics such as d*ath, s*icide and s*icide ideation. The book is a memoir, if anyone is curious. It's not a book I would typically pick up, but I am so glad that I went back to the bookstore to purchase it. While I don't know Molly nor Blake, who were married before she took her own life, reading Blake write about his wife helped me through my own feelings of grief, and it felt almost comforting, reflecting on my own relationships with the people I have lost. I definitely cried often while reading and despite it's trigger warnings, it is easily one of my favorite books of the year.

It is strange how the reality of life is also the one thing that gives me courage to keep going. For those of you who don't know, I have a baby niece, and I love her to pieces, even though she's at that age where she's annoyed at everything I do :joy: Watching her grow each and every day makes my heart so full, and I wish I could stop time to live in those moments I have with her a little longer.

The paradox of it all gives me whiplash, and it makes me question the reason why we're even all alive in the first place—and how the order of everything came to be. Like the use of money, how we claim property, credit scores (?!). Life could be so unserious, but we make it so serious. But also, some people just ruin it all for the rest of us. The greedy ones. I don't know even know if I make sense right now. I feel such a weight of the world on my shoulders, and I always have. I have been called selfish and to that, I know I am. For if I am not, I will make everyone's problem my problem. I've spread myself so thin, given so much of what I am that it made me lose hope. It made me tired.

Which brings me to the fact that I am some what going through a friendship fall out. I've had so many friendship fall outs that it has caused me to wonder if it truly is me that is the problem or if people are just out to exhaust my resources, and is there any way to know which one it is? Maybe I really do need therapy after all. Or is therapy just paying someone to listen to your issues? I can't afford that, so to writing, I turn.

I don't know if this strange season is just the shedding of old skin before the new sees the light of day, but I sure do hope it is. Or if it all just goes downhill from here, how do we make it out alive?

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-baekby 6 days ago

hi love. i completely understand what you mean and how you feel. since we lost our cousin last year i've been coming to the realization that our childhood is slowly growing away from us, and sometimes it's a concept that i want to keep locked in a box untouched. i've had some more loss this year too, and i even find myself dreading future days because surely the passage of time will only bring more hurt and pain. i've tried to find different ways to deal with my depression the past few years (much to the dismay of my parents) like medication, therapy, or just rawdogging it which is what i'm doing now pfffft.

from losing family to loss of friendships to mental health, life feels overwhelming sometimes but there's a youtuber i really like who spoke about his debilitating mental illness and said something along the lines of: "regardless of what i do everyday, i have a 100% success rate of waking up and getting through the day. even if i lay in bed doing nothing, i still did that. i'm going to keep that 100%." that really spoke to me because we have no obligation to the world besides waking up every day, and it's something we choose to do. life will move past and i'm not particularly spiritual or religious but i do believe that everything will find its place and life will eventually fall where it should. i'm definitely going to keep this book earmarked for the future! i'm always here if you want to talk, or 45 minutes away if you want to hang out <3

soular 1 week ago

the friendship part is so real

Unholy 1 week ago

Well, I can say as someone who was you for over a decade, things DO get better. But what I can say is it /usually/ has to get worse, before it gets better Was in my case. What your experiencing with your grandfather is very normal, when we know, we just.. we know. By trying to anticipate it, the mind is trying to cope with reality. you are correct no matter how much we try to prepare, death takes its toll when it does and it hurts. It hurts SO hard, but its a reminder of how much we loved. Know that it will be okay, if your grandfather is coherent enough to hold conversations with you, ask him important questions. Did he teach you any life skills? ask about those, ask about what he would do in hard situations. Value his presence, even if he cant speak. You're holding your own, and you're doing great. You can only control so much, so control what you can do within the limits you're given.

As far as why are we alive? It's.. it's to live. To find what makes us, happy. you know I heard someone spend hundreds of dollars on..golly what was it; lego sets or some nonsense, while another is buying home decor to decorate her home for her family, it's a reflection of what life means to people. It'll always be different, and you got to find what that is for you, when things are calm. It took me a long time to live after the chaotic home environment i grew up in, all the trauma, and pain. I had to seek therapy to heal and get better. I went through BetterHelp, super awesome and flexible therapy. you can pick your therapists gender, age range, religious views and even poc related or LGBTQ+ friendly. i loved it. but now that i can live, i can look back at my pain and say proudly. I SURVIVED.

Don't let go of yourself in your pain, your older self, who is married and probably has a kid or two (or some VERY awesome dogs) is looking down on you, letting you know itll be okay. You owe it to your future self to see this through. You'll be so happy you did, even if your pain prevents you from seeing it right now.

also losing a friend on TOP of all this is just a lot.

Take it one day at a time, know that things are rough right now and your feelings ARE VALID. Give yourself grace, if course you're going to be upset, or moody, or sad, or having a down day. And always, always, ALWAYS seek help if you think you're close to the edge. they have numbers to call and to text if calling someone is not for you. but your life matters, and so does your future.

x Lots of love from someone who conquered depression and suicidal thoughts and tendencies.