I can't seem to go on with my sanity. I've got so many conflicting feelings, so many different things in my head. I have a lover or well sorta....I don't know.
I just find it funny how one person can engulf my mind so often, How often I worry over things. Sometimes I think if I was the cold hearted person I was at heart I'd not have to go through this burring feeling in my chest. I'd not have to bother with what others think of me, I could actually harm all the people that piss me off. But alas I hold on to a strain of sanity. That questions one half's existence while the other fights to be alive. Oh how I envy the normal. Why do I have such conflicting emotions about my country, about how I chose to identify myself, why I can't get one girl..no women out of my head, why I obsess over another that is out of my league, why I try to be better with something that is going no where, why I try to write but all I seem to crap out is *. I wish I could be as numb as my regard for my life is. Then I'd not have to deal with the idea that there is only one girl for me and I will accept no other, I won't have to deal with the fact that as much as I don't give a a part of me will always die because of what people think of me, even though it's been dead for years it's trying to claw it's way out of it's forever building grave that people just keep tossing dirt on.
Why....Why must I have so many Issues....I can help everyone but I can't seem to find why I'm so broken, or why I force myself to be. Is it because I don't think I'm good enough? Or is it simply me punishing my self for all the lies and pain I've caused people?
Why is it my that is forsaken to try and make mine something that is so far away? Why can't I just for once have what I want? Have I not killed enough of my self for it? Were there not enough slashes to myself to attone for the sins?
Why do I not want to give up? Is it simply because It's my goal to live to see if it was worth it?
Why do I keep trying to press my heart into something that is so close yet so far? Am I getting to close, I don't want to lose her, I just want her to stay, even if it means with someone else holding her, I don't want to lose her.
Why must I be targted because of my race, who I am, and what I chose to do?
Why am I forsaken to hell with my issues? Why?!
*(Side note/Self : Writing a 40's-60's detective story that i'll liekly mention outside of this rant, but if you read it and wana peak at it, i'll drop u a pm when the first case is done)
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