I'm sorry

I haven't been on and active lately but these passed two weeks have been something like no other.

So, I've been working two jobs since April and both were stand up jobs so I'd always be on my feet. Eventually this took a toll on my feet and started to become a problem and after applying to this new full time desk job, I ended up getting hired and getting paid much more for sitting down for 40hrs a week rather than getting minimum wage for being on my feet part time and working my off. Anyway, this has really been a highlight for me because it's a really great job and I'm still in shock that I actually got it and have full benefits.

However...I wouldn't be apologizing to you guys if all I had were good things going on in my life.

My boyfriend was so happy I actually landed the job and always believed in me and was very supportive. He's in the military and funny enough, we're both quite adept in the Korean Language. Since last December we've been together and beyond happy, even if we only have Skype and his few times off to visit but last Tuesday, that changed completely.

Just before that, we discussed marriage and getting to be together when he was to be shipped overseas -- I know, not even a full year together and already discussing marriage? But , we were serious about eachother and both knew what we wanted out of life, and being together was without a doubt one of those things. Anway, last Tuesday, I called him after work as I normally did and only a few minutes into the call, I heard the coldest, most horrifying words touch upon my ears.

"I think we should break up."

It had to have been some sick joke, something he'd say to- I don't know- but all I know is that he was serious and despite my desperate attempts to change his heart, he remained unchanged in his decision which hurt more. For days on end, I cried nonstop. I cried myself to sleep, woke up in tears, went to work with puffy eyes and even on my breaks, I bawled to myself only to go home and do it all over again. I swear he was my whole atmosphere and in three days, my world was end and became a full on living hell. Every day awake was too painful to bear, because I'd see him in my dreams and we'd be together happy; Wednesday, I drank myself to numbness and Thursday followed suit. Friday night, I took a mystery pill that I didn't even know what it was supposed to do, all I knew was that the girl said it'd make me feel better but that only made things worse.hat same night, we talked again for the sake of bringing my mind some type of peace because it seemed to have just happened too fast for me to even come to realize. That conversation turned into an ugly battle of words and after hanging up -later that night- we both cried to eachother saying how much we didn't want to do this, but in he end, he was set in his mind that he was right.

The reason you're probably wondering?

Once he'd be shipped overseas, we'd be on opposite timezones and would go through the torture of rarely talking or seeing eachother. It was harder for him than for me, I guess the distance just got the best of him, y'know? We agreed to be friends and also we agreed to try again with eachother once our circumstances were easier to control and handle -that's if we wouldn't already be with somebody by then.

Honestly, I've been better than I was but I still die a little everyday knowing that he's not mine and the possibility of someone else taking his heart scares the hell out of me, bringing out some selfish being I never knew I could be until now. The thought keeps me awake, despite him saying he still loves me and will love me in the future. I've been lost, you guys; I'm not even gonna lie.

Surrounded by his pictures and little trinkets and tokens of love he left me, I mustered up the strength to put them away in a box in the back of my closet, but the memories and songs still etch away at my emotions and tug tears from my eyes.

These days have been anything but easy for me, but the only thing that's been keeping me from making even worse choices is work and this place. I can't even honestly fake a smile another day for my friends or family just because the pain is too much to endure. I even have to fake being happy just for his sake, to keep him in my life otherwise I'd end up pushing him away with my sad words and that's the last thing I want to happen.

I'm not proud of what I did those three nights and I know over time, the pain will be easier to overcome, but right now, I feel anything but okay with the sad thought of being without him romantically.

I'm sorry for all this sad story, but it feels good to get out and say even if nobody ends up reading or replying.

At this point, rping has become my therapy that way I can be anybody but me at the moment.

Just know if I don't reply for a day or after some hours of continuous replies, I'm trying to heal myself little by little. 

In the end, I'll be alright, so don't worry too much.