okay so hi everyone..had to restart this rant after 3 paragraphs that were not saved when my phone turned off..
WARNING: RANT AND DRAMA
As you read in the title, I'm going on a hiatus. I had a pretty ty day yesterday. Firstly, my dad told me to stop roleplaying. Second, he starts shouting and screaming offending stuff in my ears after calling me to meal twice. I cried myself to sleep last night and I still have puffy eyes when I woke up. When he told me to stop roleplaying just because he didn't want me to have intimacy in roleplaying, I felt like tossing all my excuses at him but I really don't talk back. He told me I was wasting my time on roleplaying romance. He actually just read the word, "kiss" in one of my posts (or maybe not even mine). I'm more or less than 15 and he says I'm too young to have that. I rarely do it ooc and if I do, I only kiss family members. I know my consequences if I get in a relationship ooc but I know I'm responsible enough not to. He threatened to shut down rpr if I continue to roleplay. He really doesn't get me. I roleplay because I would like to feel how it is to be in someone else's shoes. Roleplaying is my hobby. I have a lot of friends here. If only he could understand that what I write ic isn't what I do ooc-wise. I can't just leave rpr. And so, I decided to go on a hiatus for 25 days starting today. Also, even if it breaks my heart, I had to leave roleplays that I've held onto for months and a year even.
Second thing, about the "Don't make me call you twice", I was just making my goodbye letters and folding laundry when he called me the first time. Slow internet so I waited until it was sent (partially my fault) but then he barged in 7-8 minutes later and started shouting. I quickly ran to my parents' room (we eat together there because they're both working at home). He shouted and screamed at me, "What's so hard about going to the room after me calling you once?! I already cooked the food and you only have to eat and you make me call you twice?!! You're very insulting!! I already finished eating!! As you grow, you become more hardheaded and your horns grow bigger and harder to cut off!! You think you have something you can prove, huh?!! Well, I could throw your clothes out and you could leave!!". It hurts to hear that he could do just that. He continued, "Do you not like me?!! Do you prefer your uncle over me?!! (Jealousy..) I'm your father but even if I'm a parent, I'm not afraid to get rid of you!! You should feel honored to be treated like this, my father never called me to meal or even cooked for us!! Don't make me call you twice next time!!". I bit my lip because of one thing, "get rid of you". Then, he asked me to refill his water bottle. I cautiously walked to him to get the bottle but he threw it towards another direction so that I would chase after it. I felt like he stepped on me. I felt like I was just some animal in the household. Well yeah.. I felt like . I refilled his bottle then I pretended to finish my food before I quickly left their room and went to my room. My mom was silent the whole time because she was taking care of my baby brother as he shouted at me. He took out all his stress and anger on me. Now I feel like a piece of . As I set my food bowl on my bed, I cried. I sat on the cold tiled floor and hugged my legs, hoping someone would help me but no.. I was alone. And I also have this habit of self degrading myself. I started screaming at myself, too. Shouting this and that, my parents wouldn't even hear me. "You shouldn't have been born!!", I shouted at myself. I looked crazy talking to myself. I felt so hurt. I wish I could love myself. I wished someone would help but nobody cares. I tried talking it out to my best friend through text but I just felt worse because I had to explain it. I'm so tired.. I felt like giving up on my life already.. Even until now, I feel like not talking to him. I feel like it wasn't really love that drove him to do that. I felt like it was stress, anger and jealousy. Will it hurt his ego to actually apologize for making me look stupid in front of my mother? Would he still care? Does he knows it hurts? No.. He can't apologize. If he does, he'll apologize 2 years after the incident. I don't know anymore. I wish someone could help me but I really feel alone.
Sorry for the rant. I just need to take this out. /sigh.
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