◌ Jaguar Dorm

@Namjoon mhm, really. people even said that i now seem the same as the days where i first came here- and i was seen as quite the sunshine then. so.. you kind of brought happiness back to me, as cheesy as that sounds.
his own words only cause the red decorating his cheeks to darken, lips curled up ever so lightly.
i'm just- kind of, ah, thankful? because i not only am able to just let go and listen whenever i am around you but- i am not scared of talking, as well? and i usually worry about talking way too much.
his gaze dips as he watches his hands, lithe fingers playing with the hem of his sweater, a faint hum leaving his lips.
ah- i suppose so. you were perhaps my biggest reason to stay, after all. at first i guess i told myself that i stayed because of the book discussions, but- in the end, it was you and not the books you've read.
he laughs faintly, quickly shaking his head as he lifts his gaze enough to peek at you again.
no, no- i'm anything but cute, namjoon!
tapping his fingers against your side, the deer manages to gently nod against your shoulder, eyes of molten gold watching you talk the way he usually does, bright and curious, expression a mix of interest and a full list of other emotions according to your words.
there's an open ending to that book too, isn't it? well, it certainly fits the concept of the book- a thin line between reality and fiction, between a happy ending and one full of sadness... a line barely there. and yet i still really do think that merely knowing just how heavy some of those things are does carry a shadow of a sad ending in itself. then again, i am usually someone that enjoys myths- and their ending often is black and white.

@❁ Hansol Really? Well, I'm glad you feel that way, Hansol, as it feels natural to smile with you too. /his lips curl up into a dimpled grin as he watches the red spread across your cheeks/
We were both in such a tight situation, thoughts battling between staying and going - and naturally, we drew close because we had several similarities. /Namjoon pauses briefly before he tilts his head, golden embers scanning your face/ So you're saying that.. you chose to stay for me like I had chose to stay for you?
/he snorts in amusement/ Too personal to not be connected-- yeah yeah~
Sooo~ cuuuute~ /the jaguar coos as he lightly pats your cheeks/
/Namjoon pauses as he hears the sound of surprise leave you and he at first wonders if he had done the wrong move by pulling you closer but you seemed content quite quickly so he kept his arm around you, keeping you close to his side side/ It does apply to real life, I think that's why Tim O'Brien used the items that they carried as symbols; for they were soldiers in war, guns in their hands as they walked in an unfamiliar land and what did they use to remind themselves of 'reality'? The things that they had carried. Some of those items keep them at peace, while some of the other items are too heavy in their hands and it ends up becoming a burden in the end.

@Namjoon i'm kind of glad you are the reason, actually. it feels natural to smile with you, joonie.
he nods his head only to stop once he feels your lips against his skin, his previously pale cheeks flushing a dark shade of pink thanks to the simple little peck.
ah- ah. i'm just-- i'm glad you stayed around. to be honest.. there was a moment where i was considering leaving, too. so it wasn't only me keeping you here, it was the other way around, too..
ha! see, i told you. too personal to be not connected so closely to reality.
he wrinkles up hise nose at the little cheek, still quite stubbornly shaking his head.
not~ cute~ not at all!
he only manages to stick out his tongue before he's pulled closer and a little sound of surprise escapes his lips; it does not take long for him to relax against your side, though, one arm lazily draping across your chest as his cheek rests on your shoulder in a position that made it able for him to look up at you as you speak, a content expression decorating hus features, the simple change of position filling him with a sense of comfort as you continue speaking, giving him a chance to watch you more closely, to be able to feel your slight movements as you speak.
isn't it quite often like this? i feel like, you know, we often get rid of aomething heavy and do not realise that instead of freeing us, we just attracted something heavier to rest on our shoulders.. so, even if thia book is about those soldiers, those men that fought for what they stood for.. i feel like a number of things applies to real life, too, doesn't it?

@❁ Hansol Is that so? Well, I'm honored to be the reason why you smile again, Sollie. /he says quietly and pauses briefly before he gives into his urge, dipping his head down to press a gentle kiss to the apple of your cheek/ And if it wasn't for you approaching me, then I actually wouldn't be here. You helped a lot, more than you know, and you pulled me out of that dark spot that I was kinda drowning in.. so I'm very thankful.
They were actually! They were inspired by his own experience being a soldier during the Vietnam War. /he grins more and lets out a small coo, reaching up to gently pinch your cheek/ Definitely cute~
/Namjoon lifts his arm to slide it around you, pulling you close into his side before letting out a content hum/ He did. At that moment, he felt as if Martha's letters and photos and had 'weighed him down' a little too much, so much so that he was - or felt as if he was - responsible for one of his men's deaths, all because he was way too busy fantasizing on whether or not she was a . But indeed, he didn't; in replacement of Martha's letters and photos was the guilt of Lavender's death. Basically, this entire book is a collection of linked stories but that was basically the entire book.

@Namjoon mhm. i don't think i would be able to smile so brightly if it wasn't for you. i feel quite thankful.. i think deciding to speak to you was a great decision.
the little deers smile softens a little as you turn to him, sincerity written across his features.
it's obvious. it sounds to personal to be fully made up. did the author take inspiration from somewhere?
he ends up blinking a little, pearly white teeth sinking into his lower lip to fight back a growing smile.
not cute-
with a little mumble, he eventually moves the first book you told him about from the spot between them and gently places it aside, careful not to drop it or disturb your words, his gaze leaving your figure for only a moment before falling back onto you with its full curiosity again, a silent gasp managing to escape his lips at some point, giddy fingers tugging on his sleeves to allow himself to remain quiet until you pause.
oh! oh- so he got rid of the physical weight that were marthas letters and photos- but he still had the same amoujt of weight on his back thanks to the blame he now carried, right? he burned those things to make it easier- but he still did not make his package lighter by keeping the blame my himself.

@❁ Hansol /he listens to your words and feels his lips curl up into a slow smile/ You were on a mission to make me smile.. yet /I'm/ the one who made you smile in the end?
/Namjoon glances away from the book and over towards you, not minding how close that they've gotten/ There is that line between life and fiction in this book. /he chuckles quietly as has the urge to kiss your cheek but he resists and looks back down at his book/ Cutie.
The group eventually stops for the evening and Cross sits away from the group and cries to himself; he's lamenting over the death of Lavender. However, Kiowa and someone named Norman Bowker weren't so mournful of the loss. They were too busy discussing the short span of life and death; how Lavender was zipping his pants one second and turning around then the next second, dead on the ground. In some way, you can't help but feel as if Cross is blaming himself for Lavender's death because he was too distracted by thoughts and fantasies of Martha and wasn't paying attention at all to the situation at hand, much less their mission. The morning after, Cross returns to the foxhole he had dug up that night and burns all of the letters he had from Martha, even the photographs, and promised himself that he'd never fantasize ever again. As the guy with the compasses and the maps, he has to lead the men and is responsible for their lives - so when Lavender died, he felt like it was /his/ fault alone. So he planned on gathering the men and assuming the blame; because his job is to lead, not to be loved, so he was not about to take any sympathy from the men when they were about to disagree with him.

@Namjoon ...ah. i can only say the same about you. i was on a little mission to make you smile again, but instead you did that to me.
the passion in your voice when you spoke about the plot of one of the books in your lap never failed to draw him in, his interest not once faltering and thoughts never travelling towards something other than the story you were telling, his fingers coming to a calm rest on the hard cover of the book as to not have the sound of little taps interrupt your excitement filled words.
i have not read it but from what you are saying, it seems like despite the ongoing metaphor, the work itself is written with the use of.. versimilitude? the characters sewm versatile to me- there's this blur of life and fiction. cause this is what so many soldiers tell you, isn't it? they talm you about the weight they carried on their shoulders, physical and metaphorical. and though i myself, as a pacifist, cannot agree with thoughts of some of them- i feel like sharing those is still important..
but, enough of that, i am rambling on again- i should keep my thoughts till you finish telling. please continue, joonie.

@❁ Hansol It is quite cute. I'm quite fond of you. /he laughs a little and leans back so his back is against the cushions; fails to notice where your stare was adverted as he continues to talk in such passion and enthusiasm/
Exactly! The soil in the boots as they walk, the rain in their hair-- everything. It is quite a metaphor.
But it's not just about what they carry, it's about each of them. When they were just outside the Than Khe area, they had to destroy some tunnel complexes as part of their mission. Cross is distracted by thoughts of Martha, Lavender gets shot on his way back to the bathroom and the loaded backpack he carries on his back is heavy on top of him. Lavender dies, sadly, but as they all wait for a helicopter to come pick his body up, they smoke the he carries and tell jokes about his tranquilizer abuse; saying things like he probably was too numb to feel the pain of getting shot. These men are a bit cruel as soldiers, for when they ended up passing through the Than Khe village, they burn a lot of things and shoot dogs and chicken.

@Namjoon me asking you tons of stuff is cute? you are telling me so many firsts, namjoon. it's destroying everything i was thinking of what i can and can't do.
he lets out a soft laugh, lifting his gaze to watch you again, fingers still dancing a quiet waltz over the cover of the book, eyes of molten gold dropping to watch the movements of your lips as you speak, savoring isn every oh so simple word and information, the interest clear on his features.
so.. the story tells of the soldiers based on the things they carry on their shoulders, willingly or not? mh.. it sounds like a nice metaphor..

@❁ Hansol You ask a lot of questions but I don't mind it- it just shows you're paying attention. It's cute, actually.
/He lets you shuffle closer and he leans in closer so it's easier to you/ The narrator is the author, Tim O'Brien. When I say the narrator, I do mean the author.
They basically carry either personal items that reminds them of things back home, as if little trinkets to keep them sane, and other items like a poncho for when it rains. Several of them carry grenade launches, for you never know when you could get ambushed. They carry varying emotions but the best thing about these men is that they not only carry /each other/ they carry Vietnam, itself. The weather, the soil, even the air. Like-- for example, I suppose-- Jimmy Cross would carry maps and compasses of the land so that they know where they're going. The team medic, who is Rat Kiley, carries basic first aid like supplies for wounds, morphine, and malaria tablets.

@Namjoon the way your expression brightened caused his own little smile to widen quite visibly, his whole being perking up as he listens to you talk so passionately, his expression turning just a tad sheepish.
sorry, sorry- i ask too many questions, i know.
he makes a move to shuffle just a little closer to you in order to peek at the book as you talk, reaching out to tap his fingers against it and looking up at you again, listening to your words in mild awe, his lips parted and golden eyes wide, his cheek still pressed against one of the cushions.
wait- who's the narrator, then? do you mean the author or did he name the narrator after himself..?

@❁ Hansol /While speaking about the book, Namjoon unconsciously lightens up and speaks in such a passionate tone, having the urge to ramble but he tames himself to instead speak in a manner where you would understand him/ I-- Hansol. /he emits a small laugh/ I'll get to the love story side of it soon, okay?
Anyways, after the Tim (the narrator), had explained Jimmy Cross and what he carried and the whole thing about Martha, he goes on to explained what the other men had carried with him. Naturally, they all carried physical things such as.. well, for example, they carried mosquito repellent and yes, even , uhm.. chewing gum, pocket knives-- it depends on different factors, I suppose like their beliefs, priorities, etc. Enter Henry Dobbins, the machine gunner. He is superstitious, okay? And so actually carries around his girlfriend's pantyhose on his neck. Then there's Ted Lavender and he's the one that carries the and tranquilizers to calm himself down - they call him Nervous Ted. Ted is actually a religious Kiowa and he also carries a gift from his father, which is an illustrated New Testament.

@Namjoon still.. i think it is safe to say that despite all, everyone gets to wish for a happy ending. and i hope everyone managed to get at least one in their life.. afterall, without happiness, there isn't much.
he hums quietly and shuffles around to rest against the back of the couch with a little curious smile, naturally falling quiet as you begin speaking, his cheek resting against soft cushions as his eyes lock on your features again, exploring them without much thought.
it seems like even in those stories, love still plays a part.. and it's understandable, love is a huge part of many of us. is the one sided love important to the story? like- it could be both a burden or a motivation, depending on the person carrying those thoughts..

@❁ Hansol It's life, correct. It's not a fairytale, nor a drama. We don't get to choose what happens in our futures. Sometimes, it's just not meant to be..
/he lifts his gaze to you as he lifts the next book, giving you a nod in response/ It is a dystopian fiction and the author did a /wonderful/ job on it. But this one is simple, it's set in the Vietnam War. It's called The Things They Carried and it's by a man named Tim O'Brien. The book is about Lieutenant Jimmy Cross, who is a member of the Alpha Company. I think the title delivers some what of a 'reality factor' to each of the soldier; for they all carried with them a piece of home or a piece that held great importance to them. For example, Jimmy Cross had carried numerous of items about a girl from his college in New Jersey; Martha, whom he was deeply in love with yet it was a one-sided attraction. But he kept each of her letter in his pack-back and he also carried a little pebble that she had given him as a good-luck token in his mouth. Sometimes after long days, he'll sit down and unravel one of her letters and dream about the day that she'll return his love. Like any man would at war, he briefly wonders if she's a or not and carries around a handful of her photographs in his pockets and any place he could place one, rather. Jimmy remembers once that they did go on a little one time date; they had went to the movies to see Bonnie and Clyde and when he reached to touch her knee, she didn't seem pleased and removed his hand. He's mourned by the fact that his love for her will probably never be returned.

[post deleted by owner]

@Namjoon but, if you think about it, it's simply what life is, right? we don't always get happy endings, no matter how much we think we deserve them, no matter how hard we work for them.. it's so sad to think about, but i feel that.. perhaps not being able to completely control everything is just what makes us human.
he looks up from the book to peek back at you through a curtain of lashes, nodding with the faint simper still on his lips while carefully placing the book between them.
fahrenheit 451 is dystopian fiction, isn't it? i heard so much about it, i'm looking forward to you telling me-- but, vietnam war first.

@❁ Hansol It is a little heart-wrenching, I admit. When I finished the book, I wondered if that was truly it; if Hester didn't get the happy ending that she /clearly/ deserved. But she didn't. She died still burdening the same cursed scarlet letter on her chest.
/he lets you take the book from him and leans back a little/ Well, sit tight then because I have two more books that I'll yap about to you. /a laugh leaves him and he looks between the two other books/ Hm.. I think I'll do The Things They Carried next. Fahrenheit 451 is my all-time favorite book so I'll save the best for last.

@Namjoon it's just.. heartbreaking, if you think about it properly. though, perhaps it is because i wear my feelings on my sleeves.
he watches you with a faint yet content curl of his lips, reaching out so he could gently pry the book from your hands and exime it more carefully as he speaks.
it definitely is something... you need to tell me about more books you enjoy one day. i like listening to you- i don't thinj i smiled as much in a few days.

[post deleted by owner]

@❁ Hansol Everyone is a different person, I suppose. But yes, in their time, it was difficult to do a lot of things much less express who you are.
/Namjoon's orbs blink slowly at you as he takes in your words before he emits a soft laugh, lookig down at the book in a shy manner/ It's a good book and, yes, I only read fantasy books and for me to actually sit here and spend so much time talking about one of the 3 normal books that I can actually stand, that's something I suppose.

@Namjoon he endured all that pain with pride because of her daughter and a man that despite their love was never there for her.. as strong as that may be, i think i could never be that brave for someone that does not show the love he feels for me. i still think it holds too much cruelty.. then again, times were different.
he lifts his gaze again with a small nod, a gentle smile decorating his features as he finally straightens up a bit again.
i do think so. if you can interest someone that reads almost only fantasy into a book from an era he dislikes- there is no other explanation rather than you putting a part of yourself into the book, you giving the book it's own soul.

@❁ Hansol Well of course everyone had their right to doubt. Hester was married at one point before her long-lost husband supposedly died, so she was considered a widow; a widow that had no obvious lover that refused to really give out any names of her 'lover' to anyone.
Correct, there is no happy nor sad ending, it's just... an ending. /he smiles a little and looks down at his book/ Hester proved to be a really strong woman, yes; she overcame any obstacle the people of Boston laid out for her and accepted her punishments with her held tilted high. Despite hiding who the identity of the father was, she did little to nothing about hiding Pearl.
/Namjoon glances at you and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose before smiling/ You think I tell a book as if it has a soul?

@Namjoon it's unfair, isn't it? that despite his love, he shunned her, was part of the reason why her life has gotten more difficult- sure, she loved her daughter dearly, but i feel like it's just.. cruel. such actions hurt the most when they are done by the people we love.
he nods a little while listening to you, taking in and storing every little word with utmost care, his lips ever so slightly moving to mouth along with you while he tugs the pillow onto his knees after pushing then up, resting his chin on the soft surface and only finally speaking up as you finish, taking a moment of his time first.
so.. there is neither a happy nor a sad ending? it feels like, despite all of the drama that usually put me off in romantism era novels, the ending is so... mundane? like, it feels real despite the prior story. like, a woman that stands by who she is and what she has done- it could be called quite strong if you consider the times she was told to live in, right..?
he trails off, droppig his gaze to the pillow resting on his propped up knees, fingers tugging at the fabric.
i really do not like romance fiction, but you tell it so lively- it feels like the book has a soul and i never even read it. i really like listening to you.

@❁ Hansol /Namjoon shakes his head and chuckles quietly with a small shake of his head as he folded his legs in front of him/ Dimmesdale loved her yet openly shunned her a little bit, yes. But I supposed, if you think about it, maybe he did do it as a cover-up. And no, Chillingworth did not create the wound on Dimmesdale's chest. Dimmesdale did it himself when he began to notice similarities between him and Pearl after talking with her so much. I believe it was when he had began to realize that he was Pearl's father and condemned /himself/ as an adulterer.
Later on, Pearl and Hester meet Dimmesdale on a path to the forest I believe and Hester manages to convince him to runaway with her; to start over again as a /real/ family. Despite not knowing how to be a father, Dimmesdale is too caught up in the moment with the hope of the future and later on rethinks their plan; believing Hester is just tempting him to sin and move away from the Puritan way of life. His guilt drives him to climb the scaffold at night to reveal his chest to the rest of Boston, so that he may confess, however; the only ones that see him is Chillingworth and Hester. They bring him off the scaffold and back home where he could rest. However, /he holds up a finger and grins/ he ends up pulling off something similar later. During a sermon later that week, he confessed to everyone and shows the wound. While being consumed with guilt, Dimmesdale ended up becoming very sick due to intense fasting and the wound was infected due to not getting treated and it was draining his life force. He was basically a walking corpse at that moment. Dimmesdale confesses his crimes and dies in Hester's arms, where she hopes that would be able to meet again in heaven and be together. Chillingworth dies shortly after; believing that he lived out his plan on getting revenge because despite being triple the age of Hester, he was also in love with her yet he despised Dimmesdale for being the point of her attention and affection. Chillingworth's estate ends up bringing Pearl a lot of fortune and when Hester leaves the town, bringing Pearl with her, Pearl never returns even after many years. Hester, however, does; just so she could list the rest of her days wearing the mark of the scarlet letter. It's honestly a bit of a sad sorry about a woman who was condemned for being in love with someone that she wasn't supposed to, and they couldn't be together because of the Puritan beliefs and practices. Yet she refused to hide the fact that a child was made out of pure love and wore the letter with pride despite the verbal abuse her neighbors and the rest of the town gives her.

@Namjoon i know, i know- i wanted to stop questioning those times a while ago, but it seems i am unable to do so-
he blinks a bit at the poke just to let out a little, amused laugh.
alright, alright. i'll try to be patient-- joonie.
his smile takes in a cheeky look to it for just a moment before he once again gets lost in your words, looking from you to the ceiling every now and then as if trying to put together pieces of a puzzle as you speak, his palms now calmly spread out across the fabric of the pillow in his lap.
okay, so, you're saying- this dimmesdale guy loved her but he still was pretty openly shunning her? like, was this some kind of cover up because of him loving an apparent widow or did he really think that despite loving her? and she still loved him even if he did that- huh. wait- so did dimmesdale put the a on himself or did chillingworth create the wound, i didn't understand that part.

@❂ Woojin Ah, thank you, Woojin /he chuckles low and rubs his eyes/ Same to you though. You can always come here (but tag me so I can see it lol) or my wall if you need anything. Thanks for coming and checking on me though. Have a good afternoon, evening-- whatever time it is where you are.

@Namjoon *he gets up slowly and nods once with a gentle smile* I hope you'll sleep well and if you need something, you can always come to me. The door to my room is going to be open as always. And now.. I'll take my leave if that's alright. Bye Joon!

@❂ Woojin Mmh, I'll most likely let you know of the title once I do think of it. /he emits a small chuckle before yawning once more/ Today was a busy day. I'm exhausted and I have work later on. I probably should get some sleep..

@Namjoon It's not that important right now, so no need to think too much, alright? *he watches you rub your eyes and hums* are you tired? Maybe I should leave again and let you sleep. Your eyes are probably going to be really happy about that.

@❂ Woojin Maybe I'll end up thinking of the title later.. I always seem to do that. /He reaches up to lightly rub one of his eyes/ I guess it just startled me, 'tis all. I wear glasses quite often, though. My vision can be a bit poor sometimes.