< letters

@◆ ⁞ seo yeonah ⁽ˢᵃʳᵒ⁾ [ flashback letter ]

- last year, some day in the fall -

to: my dearest friend,

i hope this letter finds you well and happy, my star.
the season’s changed again and I keep being reminded of our time together. mayhaps it is the melancholy of nostalgic childhood or maybe I am just a becoming old man, but I’ve been missing the times where freedom, much like the sunlight of summer days, was the most exquisite thing anyone has ever tasted. or simply even, maybe it’s just that the fall, in all its glory of cobbler crust of brown sugar, oranges and cinnamon, is too cold.

is that too ponderous to say? perhaps. but truth be told, you’ve been the only one who indulges my long and tireless rants on poetry. for that, I always thank you, yeonah-ya.

i sincerely hope you’re doing fine, holding onto the hope of seeing the world out, for the beauty and atrocity that it is. I assure you, nothing has changed much; in the way our world works and what it comes with but we learn to look at the good things, don’t we? the ones that give us joy even for a fleeting moment. and I can only hope, pray, that you look to those for now.

enough of such melancholy, yes? I’ve asked seungkyu to give you some things that are hopefully to your liking.

I hope the dress is warm enough and it’s colors to your taste. and I hope you’ve run out of books to begin reading mine and I hope that you’ve taken a liking to sweet treats. Let me know if you need anything else. Always.

sincerely,
your friend, hyun.

[ gifts ]
- hanbok: https://pin.it/71I4pvI
- book: https://pin.it/1Ayp5lu
- treats: https://pin.it/1HRi3fN

@◈ ⁞ jeong haerim ⁽ˢᵃʳᵒ⁾ lady haerim,

i hope you know that my eyes are rolled in such a way that i wish they'd reach the heavens. such a reaction is befitting as my reply to this letter. however, i have been informed that the route through the bamboo trees are quite treacherous, indeed. let us meet in the pavilion, instead. i'm sure there is somewhere secluded wherein i could speak to you about my worries.

always loyal,
dongil

@◇ ⁞ moongyu ⁽ᵍᵘʳᶦ⁾ my beloved moongyu,

i bring you good tidings with this letter, i hope you are well. i'm joyed to see that life on the island has treated us both fairly. if you so wish to, you are always free to come and visit. father likes your company, it's one of the rare few times he's not so dry. speaking of which, father wishes to see you join us for a few moments in the shrine. he says i am to bring you this news with care and urgency, as mother's birthday will be soon. i have caught wind of ceremonies planned for our wedding, and i suspect that he will be discussing them with you as well.

i am... forbidden from ever speaking your sister's name, but the anniversary of her death nears also. time has passed but she still plagues my every dream. there are days when i choose not to sleep, for i am sure that when i do, all i would see is her. i wonder, sometimes, how she fares with her new life. do you think she would miss me, too?
do you think i'd be in her thoughts just as often?

i apologize for troubling you with my woes, yet i do find myself quite lonely at times and i do not know who else to turn to. would you be so kind as to accompany me to the forest when the day comes? we can both pay our respects for a short while, father will think of it as courting and he will allow us. i must thank you, moongyu, for being true to me despite the history of our families. if i would be sold off for marriage to a mam, i could not be any more grateful for him to be you.

i wish for your good health, and for your family as well. let us all hope that war will see it's nearing end, and that we can all return safely back to our homeland.

your friend and wife to be,
hyemi.

[post deleted by owner]

@◈ ⁞ go dongil ⁽ˢᵃʳᵒ⁾ dongil,

hasty as usual, i see. i feel as though we have much to discuss, what with the current predicament we've found ourselves in— and yet, you seem more eager to discuss this matter of importance, than to greet your poor friend and ask her how she is faring in adjusting to the island. i hope this matter is as vital as your letter is ominous, for i assure you i will find you at the forest as soon as i am able. if saro's sacred eye finds herself with scratches and bruises from navigating the threats of a foreign land, then the minister's son will surely have to make it up to her in the form of a mooncake or two. ricecakes are sufficient payment, as well.

your ever so trusting friend,
jeong haerim

@◈ ⁞ jeong haerim ⁽ˢᵃʳᵒ⁾ haerim,

i have something to tell you that is of importance. let us meet in the bamboo forest after you have settled down. i implore you not to bring anyone with you once you're nearby; i will be waiting for you there.

i am truly for the short notice, haerim, but trust in me as usual.

dongil

『 letter to ↠ ahn youngho 』
↪ three years and a half after exile.
↪unsent.

i am writing this letter fully aware that this will never reach you. i am fully aware, and yet a part of me still longs for you to hear the words i have always wanted to say.

i do not know how else to say this, and for all the times i have boasted about my literacy, my own mind has never failed me as much as it did right this very moment, where my heart and mind seem to forget that there needs to be a boundary between the two of them. that does feel quite a bit like us, does it not? we were not supposed to meet. i was not supposed to know who you were beyond your face and name and the reputation that followed after you. you were not supposed to get as close as you did to a princess you were meant to serve.

and yet we met regardless of what should have been. we met, learned and loved each other.

( this part of the page has marks of wetness, most likely from tears. )

a part of me regrets it.

i long for your presence. i want to hear your voice again. i miss singing to you. i want to hold your hands and laugh with you until our stomachs cannot handle such happiness anymore.

but those are luxuries i would never be able to enjoy again for the rest of my years. perhaps if i had not met you, then i would not be thinking of you as deeply as i have. if i had not met you, your name would not feel so bitter on my tongue, even when i can still feel the softness of your lips against my own. if i had not met you, my childhood would not be so heavy within my heart.

and yet another part of me is relieved. grateful, i would say.

if it were not for you, my days in the palace would not have been so tolerable. if it were not for you, i may have never learned what it feels like to sing in front of a man who actually listens. if it were not for you, i may have ended up rotten within the four walls of my room.

i have written so many poems and composed so many songs, and yet none of these you will ever hear or learn, for we will never meet again. much as i loathe seeing pain across your pretty features, i do not think i will ever regret not taking you with me here.

you, my dearest angel, deserve to be free. you cannot be tied to me, a woman who may never even find what freedom truly means. fly high for the both of us. that’s all i ever ask.

b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶s̶o̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶e̶l̶y̶

— firefly.

「 ✉ 」flashback letter → message in a bottle #1。

dear yeonah,

i̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶k̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶c̶h̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶l̶i̶k̶e̶l̶y̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶,̶ ̶i̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶
i̶ ̶h̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶l̶i̶v̶e̶
i̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶w̶e̶e̶k̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶a̶l̶r̶e̶a̶d̶y̶.̶
i hope you've been well. i don't know if this letter will ever reach you, but i miss you. i hope you know that i'm not angry at you, and that you don't deserve to be banished for this. you deserve better. you really do.

it's strange how i started penning this letter down with a lot in my mind, but none of my thoughts managed to translate into words. i suppose i should blame my rusty literary skills since my days have been filled with nothing but physical training, but i wonder if that is really it. perhaps i've said everything i wanted to say that night, but somehow, i still feel like i've left us both hanging without a proper conclusion.

ah, that's right.

i haven't had the chance to tell you this, but today — the day i wrote this letter — would be my last day as a scholar. i will be drafted to the military tomorrow before dawn, and there's no guarantee that i will come back ̶a̶l̶i̶v̶e̶. there is so much tension in the nation nowadays and it feels as if we might go to war any day now. i don't know. maybe it's just my parents' paranoia rubbing off of me. in any case, they told me that a soldier should always prepare himself to die in the battlefield. is it strange that the thought of death does not faze me anymore?

that doesn't sound like me, does it? truth be told, i haven't been feeling like myself for the past few years now. no, actually — i feel like i have been lying to you. i feel empty, yeonah. i don't know where my past self has gone. it's as if that part of me had died a long, long time ago — and that i was masquerading as him whenever i see you. i didn't want you to see the person i've become. i'm sorry. i didn't want you to worry about me. i didn't want us to change.

but the kiss we shared that night... the kiss we shared that night was not a lie. i felt the most vulnerable when our lips met for the first time — it was something i have never experienced before. perhaps it was just another kiss for you, but it meant the whole world to me. for the first time in forever, i felt alive. and it was all thanks to you that i did. i̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶g̶r̶e̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶

this might be my first and last letter, and i hope that it reaches you somehow. perhaps the sea currents will work in our favor — or perhaps i should not get my hopes up too high. it'll only end up in disappointment, won't it?

ayh.