– park.

@❆ – christopher bang. okay, sure, maybe it's a cliche, but i've never heard of it!
can you really blame me for those types of things?
/i want to argue with you, that im far too busy with doing things for my parents that i dont have time to enjoy anything else, but i figure it'll just get you more upset with me
/and that much im right about, because when you mention my parents and how it "doesnt matter" i almost want to scoff at you for such a comment
you say that, but i call bull.
/murmuring quietly, i fall silent for a moment and simply listen to the rain fall around us, not giving a care to anything else as i lean in to kiss you
/for some reason this feels right, and it baffles me because i never thought that i could feel like this with anyone but i know i could never complain
/while i kiss you, my own eagerness overtakes me, the kiss more passionate that i had even planned but again, i dont find any reason to complain
/but then i finally pull back, looking over your features with a certain care and softness that likely, you've never seen before, but i dont even bother trying to hide it at this point
my sister's the rule maker. dont you think i can say screw it?
/sighing softly, im reluctant but i finally let go of you and take half a step back, knowing you're right despite every part of me wanting to stay here with you-- well, maybe not in the rain
this isnt the end of this, chris.
we have to do that again, for starters.
/lifting a hand, i gesture to you a little vaguely, a small smirk playing on my lips but its not predatory, if anything its almost a genuine smile but god forbid i let anyone see me happy
i'll make it up to you.
/calls over my shoulder before i head into the complex, tucking my hands into my pockets with a bit of struggle because of how my clothes stick to my body, and i dont look back once i step into the building, because even despite it all im still holding onto whatever reputation i have

@♛ – minho lee. you're telling me you've never heard of this cliche?
you see it all the time in media! films, books, animation, so much stuff portrays person a liking person b because person b treated person a like they'd never been treated before
and usually it's not coddling or being nice treatment, its the cold honest truth
ringing any bells?
/gestures with my hands as i try to explain it to you, but i realise even then, you probably won't understand and it makes me wonder just how much more miserable your life can get if you haven't enjoyed even these simplest joys that can be found in life
it doesn't matter what they did
i shouldn't have said that to begin with
/mumbles as i look at you, lifetimes worth of pain locked up just behind my eyes as i refuse to give you the key to open such locks just yet
/my hand slips away from your chin as you hold my face in your hands instead, gazing into your eyes before i let my own eyelids shut, the rain pounding against my skin making that easy enough to do
/a trembling breath leaves my lips just before you press yours to mine, frightened you'll say it all over again but it makes me kiss you all the more fervently
/the kiss has me leaning into you even more, after a moment or two, trusting you enough my arms wrap around your shoulders and my mouth seeks your own still, moving surprisingly well together as i wonder if this is perhaps the first time you've kissed someone properly or at all
/some part of me doubts it, you're too good at it for a first timer, and another part of me is guilty for being so crestfallen over my friend one moment and now so easily kissing you the next
/your finger brushing against my cheek makes me lean into the touch, still catching my breath once you've broken the kiss, i sigh to myself and settle back down on the flats of my feet and not my tiptoes
well done, for not saying it that is
...we really should get out of the rain though. but i can't go back in there with you
you know that, it's practically forbidden
/gives you a slight nudge after lowering my arms from around you, nodding towards the complex for you to go on ahead before me
go, before someone sees you

@❆ – christopher bang. im not sure! i dont know, okay, i dont--
i dont get this stuff, i--
/stopping myself when i feel myself getting angry, my voice raising slightly in my frustration, i have to force myself to stay quiet instead of argue with you over something im not even sure about
/but when you mention what i said being cliche, i blink a few times in confusion, not sure what you mean because honestly i know nothing about the world of romance and cliches
/that much is evident when the confusion stretches over my face, my head even tipping slightly before i shake it just a little
i dont get what you mean...
/mumbling quietly, i stare at you for a long moment, not even thinking about how stupid we must look, standing there in the rain without a care in the world
/i dont sniffle, i dont make any move to hide what im doing, but i cry all the same, because somehow the thought of losing you, when i dont even have you, is more painful than anything else
im sorry.
im sorry, okay?
i didnt think that this would happen, that i would-- i would feel this way...
/my eyes flick back and forth between your own, breath caught in my throat before you're reaching out, fingers grasping my shirt, and i dont try to pull away, instead taking every single verbal and physical blow you give me
what do you mean?
what did my family do to you?
/my own voice dips to a whisper, confusion written all over my face yet again as i reach to hold you, a bit stiff because the wetness of my clothes makes it hard to move, but my fingers curl into your shirt all the same
/and it hurts, knowing that they did something to hurt you, that im no help, and that right now you're crying because of me and the things i've done
/as you grip my chin, my gaze meets yours, eyes a little red from crying but i dont care, instead bringing my hands up to cup your face once more
i dont plan on it.
/murmuring softly, this time i lean in with my head tipped just a little, lips coming to slot between your own as my eyes flutter shut, pulling you close to me as we kiss
/but i dont pull away, instead moving my lips slowly against your own in that kiss, and its passionate and sweet and full of emotion that all seems so unlike me but its still the most real i've ever been
/when my lungs ache this time, i linger, pulling at your lip as i slowly tip my head back, fingers of one hand rising from your cheek to brush your wet hair back, then slipping down to brush the knuckle of my index finger over your cheek as if to wipe any remaining tears away

@♛ – minho lee. i'm not blaming you for what my friend did, but i am blaming you for what you just made me feel
but hey thanks for telling me not once, but TWICE that you're not gay
really wasn't sure the first time i heard you
/i'm not usually snarky or as cutting at this, but i'm tired and upset, cold and wet on top of it and feeling crestfallen for the loss of a dear friend to me
oh god
don't start that. 'no one has ever treated me this way before, now i think i like you'. its so cliche i can't even stomach hearing anything like it coming from you
/confesses as i look up at you, listening to you and i'm pretty sure you're crying, even if the rain hides the tears themselves, i can see the familiar signs of it in your eyes, god knows i've seen it enough times in the mirror
what is it you're trying to do exactly, minho?
what do you want from me?
you want me to hang around as some kind of safety belt while you figure this out and work on telling me you're not gay a hundred more times just to get it out your system?
/asks as there's clearly still anger in me, and i don't think it's going to go anywhere for some time because this life of mine insists on getting harder before it gets any easier
what do you want me to say to you?
you want me to keep on laying into you with hard truths you're not ready for?
i don't enjoy being unkind or being the bearer of bad news, minho
i hate it. i hate all of this-
/i almost say i hate your family but i bite my tongue and swallow that truth for another time, my hands darting forward and grabbing at the front of your shirt, curling my fingers into the soaked fabric
your family took more than enough from me as it is
and now you're here to take what's left...?
/my words are barely a murmur as i speak them, my head bowed with the sound of the rain making it even harder to hear me
/letting out a small sob i loosen my grip on you, weakness washing through me before i tip my face back, eyelids closed as the rain washes away my tears
/a few moments go by and i finally tip my had forward, looking into your eyes as one of my hands lifts to your chin, holding it lightly between my fingers and thumb
if you meant any of what you said, even a fraction, then prove it
kiss me again, minho
and don't you dare say those three words again if you do

@❆ – christopher bang. /im completely stunned into silence when you speak, everything changing so quickly and honestly im just confused, confused on how it went from what i thought was going well to... whatever this is
/but i can see you're hurt, and maybe for the first time in my life, seeing someone else in pain because of me is genuinely heart wrenching and it's so foreign to me
/my chest hurts, both from your shoving as well as the emotions swirling around, and it has me groaning and rolling my eyes, trying to take in everything you've said to me without losing track of it all
/but then you're leaving me before i have a chance to say or do anything, walking away and i know i cant stop you, at least not by force
/instead, i move to catch up with you, sighing softly before giving up and standing still, fists clenched by my side while i take a breath and then confess to you, loud enough that you, and frankly anyone close enough, could hear
chris, wait!
no one should ever be jealous of me, because i have /nothing/ and i will /always/ have nothing!
listen, i... im sorry, okay, about your friend, but you cant blame me for that because i had no idea.
/heaving a sigh, im shivering, but i dont care, taking steps closer to you and my voice raises, my own eyes growing wet with hot tears, but with your back to me i doubt you even know
im not gay. i wasnt? i... i dont know.
but you! you make me feel different. its all different.
/and it is, because being called out by you, being torn apart by your words that everyone else is too afraid to say to me, gives me so much more meaning
do you think i can be bothered to care about myself right now?
do you think if i wanted to, i'd be out here in the stupid rain? do you think i would have chased you?
/the tears slide down my cheeks, and honestly i feel a little stupid, because whatever this feeling is, it's new and i dont like it, but i know it comes from you and being around you so it cant be the worst
/finally, i place myself in front of you, pursing my lips for a moment before i reach out to place my hands on your shoulders, speaking quietly for you to hear
you're right, you're not a play thing and you're not something from the .
and your feelings matter to me so that-- that's...
that's why im actually standing here and /working/ to stop you from leaving because... because i dont want to let you go.
so... dont. please.
/today is a day of firsts, it seems, and yet again its the first time i've been so /determined/ and essentially begging for you to stay in my life
please, chris... im-- im trying.

@♛ – minho lee. i figured you'd be somewhat angry
/comments over the sound of the rain, its truly coming down at this point and it seems almost comical for the both of us to just be standing here talking like it's not
/still, you pull away and i can feel and see the reluctance in you, it makes me frustrated because with it, comes me feeling like some play toy that you can experiment with
/but its nothing like the guy wrenching feeling i get when you speak those words, frozen in place as my hair is brushed back and i feel anger rise inside of me
how do you get off kissing me then telling me you're not gay and on top of that be gentle and kind in a rare moment of me seeing either?
/between you and caspian i'm going through a whole range of emotions within a very short time frame and its making me physically ill, never mind the rain
/pushing your hand away i let out a pained noise as i do so, shoving at your chest afterwards before i stand there, shoulders heaving up and down for several moments before i speak
i'm not one of your toys or a fancy piece of clothing, a nice new outfit or a sports car from your daddy
so this may come as a surprise to you but i'm a human being and i have feelings too!
/shouts at you above the sound of the rain, looking up at you after as my eyes are clear to see, its not rain but its tears, tears despite everything
i've just lost my friend because he was jealous, and do you want to know the best part?
he was jealous of /you/
/points at your chest before i let my hand sink against it, my head bowing tiredly as i close my eyelids, my other hand lifting to brush at my face gently
/perhaps surprisingly a laugh bubbles free from my lips but its not happy or warm, its almost manic and one belonging to a man clearly driven dangerously towards a steep edge
forget it
i won't paint you anymore, i won't even look at you anymore, i won't have anything to do with you anymore
so take your kiss, take your revelation and take your lie of an orientation and shove it
/i scoff remembering you telling me to go inside because i can get ill, and its as i turn with a sniff that i speak coldly over my shoulder to you before beginning to make my way back to the complex
worry about yourself first
that's what you're best at anyway

@❆ – christopher bang. /even though your hands tug at mine, i dont move, and perhaps im being selfish in that act but i dont care anymore, at least for right now that is
/and so my lips move against yours, your taste so sweet and honestly exactly like what i expected from you, perhaps because you're so much better than me in every single way
/but when i finally have to pull away, my breath is a little staggered, struggling for a second before i finally open my eyes, now completely soaked as i stand there in the rain with you, looking over your features
i was angry, when i was back at the apartments.
but i came here, and i saw you, and i--
/taking in a deep breath, i struggle to find the words for a second, my fingers slipping down from your cheeks to gently rest along your jaw, but it seems like there's some sort of revelation and i slowly draw my hands back, reluctant to let you go
/the feelings swim within me, and im not even sure how to voice anything, just struggling to keep myself from losing all sorts of control over myself in the moment
i didnt think i would kiss you either.
im-- im not... gay. i dont do this. i've never done this.
/my gaze turns to you once more, and i let out a soft sigh, shivering slightly in the rain because i most definitely wasnt prepared for this, any of this really
/lifting a hand, i push my hair away from my face, the strands sleeked back and away from my forehead before i reach up to do the same to you, surprisingly gentle and sweet
/but that same scowl, the unhappy look that always seems to be etched onto my features, is still there, almost as if i dont know any other emotion at the end of the day
i should have figured it was you.
it makes sense now, that it was you all along.
you're soaked. you're going to get a cold.
you should-- go inside, or something... somewhere.
/unsure of myself, i lift my hand to rub my face, brushing the droplets of rain away while my clothes stick to me, and i cant even tell if im trying to get you to leave or offering you some solace myself

@♛ – minho lee. caspian this is ridiculous!
i haven't done anything with him. he doesn't even know how i am- how can you be jealous of that?
/pleads with my friend as i stand in the middle of the park with him, the complex building looming behind us as we stand in the rain with one another
"i know, chris! that's the problem. don't you thin i realise how stupid i sound?"
no i didn't mean- i just, i'm confused
why is he suddenly a problem? is it my art? i'll stop
/it's a lie and i know it before the words even left my lips, caspian knows it too from the look he gives me and i know i've lost him, i'm just dragging this out because i don't want to let go of my own good friend here
please... please don't do this
you promised you wouldn't get jealous, and if you did you would talk to me. not up and leave on a whim!
"yes but i never thought i'd feel like this either"
/the man shrugs off my touch on his arm and i stumble slightly, crying out as he turns his back on me and begins to walk away, leaving me taking a half step toward him
/but i stop when you appear in front of me suddenly, making me blink up at you in surprise while salty tears mix with the pure rain fall, myself long soaked to the bone but i can still see some dry patches on you
minho? what are you do-
/i'm about to ask what you're doing here, your name slipped from my lips but i could cover it up since you're so popular, until i realise there's no covering anything up as i hear you say i'm the artist, i'm the 'one'
wait--
/i'm about to give some half asked reasoning when you suddenly hold my face and kiss me, my hands placed over your own and giving a weak tug but they soon slip away when you kiss me long and hard
/i find myself returning the gesture, my hands sliding down your chest with my fingers curling into the soaked fabric of your shirt just where your stomach is
/caspian watches in surprise before he storms off, forgotten for now as i feel you eventually pull back, my face still tipped up for the rain to dance on it while i keep my eyelids closed for just a few more moments
so you figured it out
/murmurs as i finally open my eyelids, staring at you for several moments before i raise my voice so you might hear me over the heavy rain a little easier
though kissing me wasn't the first reaction i thought you'd have
especially when you look like you want to cry. are you mad at me?

@❆ – christopher bang. /plenty of days i've spent in the complex, lingering by the windows, lurking along hallways to try and get snippets of gossip for my sister, anything really to pass the time when i wasnt doing something on my own
/but today was different, because everyone seemed to be huddled over one device, whispering about an artist on social media, so of course my interest was piqued
/in fact, i was supposed to be heading back up to my room to let my sister know about our schedule, but after hearing a familiar username, waratah, whispered among everything, i stopped what i was doing and turned to the group
"oh my god, its the guy the artist has been drawing!"
"dude, shut up, that's /minho/"
so what's this about the artist?
/as i stand there, arms crossed over my chest and brow raised, there's that same level of intimidation that i've used time and time again, because no doubt will it work again, and unsurprisingly it has the others almost trembling before me
"well, we just found out who he is--"
who?
/it hardly takes any convincing, only a clenched jaw and a step forward, before i get the name and a description, and all of a sudden it dawns on me just who the artist is and who they are in my life
/and its you, the very person i've both come to despise in some senses and need in the others, but this revelation rocks me to my core because of the things i've been feeling, between our conversations in text and face-to-face
/it has me angry, my blood boiling because of so many different things, and i leave the complex without another word, leaving everyone wondering what's going on with me, but i have no intention of explaining something i dont understand
/im angry enough that at first when i leave, i dont even notice the rain falling until my hair is wet enough in front of my eyes, and i frown while trudging through the rain, not a care in the world as my "nice clothes" get completely soaked
you're such an idiot...
/there's a part of me that wants to turn around and go back to the complex and write out something either very mean or very sentimental to you, but then i see you in the rain, standing there in the park, and you hardly even look like yourself
/perhaps its something about the rain that makes everything more sad, but for you-- for you, it shouldnt be that way, not at all, at least i tell myself that as i make my way up to you
chris.
/it's the first time i've called you by your name, and i find it feels nice on my tongue, leaving me shuddering in the cold as i come to stand in front of you, teeth chattering slightly
you're the artist. you're the one i've been talking to.
you're... you're the one...
/but i dont finish my sentence, and it's clear im not really paying attention to my surroundings, because all of a sudden everything i've ever done to keep my reputation clean is thrown out the window as i reach forward, grabbing you by the front of your shirt to pull you forward
/my lips crash to yours in a sudden kiss, and for some reason it's easier to kiss you than to confess the mess of emotions inside of me, and i dont give a care in the world (for now) who can see, only pulling away when my lungs scream for some sort of release

[] im gonna say it here too -- but i am so sorry for the length kfhbdjshbf