# ⁞ soobin

@⚡ Soobinᵸ Christopher had never really viewed himself as attractive and often thought that his miscolored eyes made him stand-out in a way that went /against/ today's beauty standards. In comparison to other's fair and pale complexions with darker eyes and darker hair, Chris was sporting a delicate tan. He had freckles nearly all over him. His eyes -- well, it's pretty obvious. And don't even get him started on the tattoos and the constant need to wear black regardless of the temperature. Put Christopher in a room full of people and they will stare. Given he's gotten used to their imploring gazes and judgmental whispers, the way they're snicker to themselves if he actually had it in himself to look up, catch them in the act.

Nowadays, Chris just keeps his eyes down. People who come to see him never /actually/ see him and has become quite accustomed to the feeling. Watching Soobin explore his body, however, was slowly becoming a rather pleasant delight in an unexpected way because, bit by bit, Chris was starting to feel as if the other heir could see him.

Maybe his "odd" features weren't so terrible...

Soobin suddenly smirks at him and it throws him for a loop. He's never really seen the other heir smile very much so the fact that he full on /smirked/, looking so satisfied at the sight before him, made Chris' entire face /burn/. It -- /He/ -- must have been one hell of a sight to get such a reaction. Despite being incredibly flustered, a part of him actually felt his ego swell a bit. And with the added pressure applied to his throat, he's sure Soobin's thumb would be able to feel his pulse hammering away.

"L-Like what you see..?" Christopher manages to croak out before a moan soon follows, long lashes fanning over the hills of deeply flushed cheeks. It's hard to keep his focus up now. His body is experiencing all sorts of sensations. A hand is at his throat while another is bolder, more curious. It delves low and filters through layers of clothes. Soobin was mouthing at his chest -- fixated on it for a few moments, getting Christopher to writhe and whimper -- before working his way up. His mind is foggy, allowing himself to sink into pleasure as it coils up his spine and settles in the pit of his stomach. Chris forces his eyes open but they're so hooded and dilated as they gazed back at the man before him. The command clicks into place and he begins to move. Placing both palms against the heir's knees to hold himself up, Chris leans back a little and spreads his legs apart some before canting his hips forward with a choked moan; steadily obeying the command without pausing to think about it.

@? Christopherᵸ His brow raises, the motion only lasting for a brief moment. He did catch the way the other's pulse sped up. It didn't show on his face but he was amused to know such a small action could cause a spark in the other's adrenaline. Part of him wondered if it was one of those fight or flight kind of reactions but he doubted it. Taking into consideration the way the other heir draws him closer, it didn't seem to be a negative response at all.

Good for Soobin.

As he explores the other's body, he can feel Christopher's eyes on him. Although he can't see him with his current angle, it's one of those feelings he's quite used to by now. Even in a room full of other people, he'd know the feeling of Christopher specifically keeping a watchful eye on him. When he finally draws back, his gaze connects with the other's and he can't fight his smirk at just how out of it the heir looks in his lap. Soobin glances down and lets his fingers trace over the outline of the bulge beginning to form in Christopher's pants. He just keeps that up for a bit before undoing his pants, fingers slipping in and circling his tip, his other hand returning to the other's throat, applying a loose amount of pressure again.

Hands still in place, he starts kissing over Christopher's chest, eventually allowing himself to trace circles around his s. He takes his time though before finally one in past his lips. Soobin keeps in mind the feel of his pulse under his fingers, finding his hold on Christopher's throat to be the most fun way to do so. He also loves the feel of the other's chest. It's no surprise to him that the heir's body is firm, lithe but muscular. They never worked out or trained together but the way his body is built does spark Soobin's curiosity and interest. He enjoys is own regime and doubts he'd change it but he'd also love to watch Christopher work out all the same. Call it one of his fixations but he just thinks somewhere in the back of his mind that it would be interesting to watch the other's form, for a number of reasons. Tonight though, he's sure he'll get to see some form of that, see the way Christopher's muscles will shift to his beck and call, his every little touch.

He makes a slight adjustment, slipping his hand more under the other's waistband and giving a few tugs while he continues on tasting and teasing his skin, his grip tightening a pinch on Christopher's throat as well. He releases to give the heir a chance to catch his breath before holding on tightly again, kissing up from his chest to his neck and whispering to him. "Your skin feels like it's on fire," he speaks the observation aloud into his skin before pulling back and looking into his eyes again, " your hips for me." Soobin gets a much better grip on Christopher's shaft, stroking him lightly still, waiting for the gentle command to be followed.

@⚡ Soobinᵸ "Hm, fair enough," Christopher murmurs in response. And that's sort of where the conversation ends. Now, it seems, neither heirs have any intent on speaking at the moment. Christopher's breath was stammering a little when a warm palm found its way to his throat, pulse quickening; he's sure the other could feel it beating against his thumbpad. He wonders what goes on in Soobin's head in moments like these, always so curious; perhaps /too/ curious.

Slowly, his gaze wanders lower, down to the pair of lips that have him yearning for a taste. When the grip on his throat tightens just a bit, the smallest of gasps of air leaves his parting lips just before they are claimed in kiss that takes all of the air right back. It's so easy to melt into it, eyes fluttering shut as he allows himself to pulled away from the window and up against a warm body. Sure, they've kissed a few times before this so it's not like it was anything new. They thankfully skipped the awkward stage. However, this kiss not only feels different but it tastes different. More... electric, almost. It has him arching his back with a light tremor and coiling his fingers into Soobin's sleeves before they eventually find his collar as well as his tie. One hand coils around the fabric in a tight grasp only to give a gentle pull, liking it when they're pressed flush together. The other hand wanders over Soobin's nape and into the short hairs that were there.

It was hard to notice the movement at first, he was so entranced by the kiss that he hardly noticed being guided over to the couch. Christopher had gotten lost in the moment but eventually floated back to reality as he was pulled into the other heir's lap, the house slippers falling off of his feet in the process. Now, his pants feel much tighter; both due to this position and due to.. other reasons. And just like the kiss earlier, it was easy to melt against Soobin and press their bodies together without hesitation. There's hands working at his dress shirt and that's when his mind seems to click that he can move too. Soobin's tie was the first to go. Christopher's fingers removed it swiftly yet patiently before they began to undo the first few buttons of his shirt when the tugging to his own shirt got his attention. Pulling his arms back momentarily, he lets the fabric roll off his shoulders before untucking it and letting it fall to the floor. A small whimper leaves his lips that's soon followed by a low moan as his fingers bury themselves into the heir's raven locks. Christopher's mismatched eyes were hooded as they watched his every move, twitching and trembling when Soobin reached certain areas.

If this truly was Soobin's first time with someone, then Christopher was going to let him set the pace, letting him explore his body without a rush or worry. Normally, he'd be writhing and whining about it being 'too slow' but he actually seems to like the change. It's... exhilarating to watch Soobin map his skin out with his fingers and lips. Was this considered body worship? Possibly. He always liked body worship on the low, always had that kinkier side to him that he kept quiet. Maybe it wasn't that much of a secret though because he responds a little too well to Soobin's hand around his throat and seems to go weak a little too soon if he's ever being manhandled. Call it whatever you want. Either way, Christopher /loved/ being at the mercy of Soobin's hands, loved bending to his every command, and - most of all - he loved giving up control to him.

@? Christopherᵸ "I don't have any plans. If I start making them now or asking questions, we'll never get through the night with any answers," his fingers slide from Christopher's chin to his neck with a loose but firm enough grip. Soobin's deciding to let himself indulge and he's just hoping on the back end of this all that he doesn't regret letting his resolve slip away for just one evening. He's out of his comfort zone, something the other heir seems bent on doing both on purpose and not. For now, he's letting go to test the waters instead of eating away at himself with his rampant thoughts.

His grip tightens just a little on the other's neck as he leans in the rest of the way, pressing their lips together. Intimacy isn't his strong suit. It's not even something that he's had to play for the sake of obtaining information. He's got ways around that. This isn't the first time he's kissed Christopher though so that could explain why he doesn't find it so hard to do so. Why he finds it pretty easy to snake his arm around his waist and draw him completely away from the window and against his own body instead. He tosses aside every little question and doubt that causes him to even consider hesitating. This isn't the time for it. Besides, there are other questions he could answer by taking this route. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Soobin wondered if this would have been easier, he would be more relaxed, if he actually drank enough to at least get tipsy.

Soobin locks his arm tighter around Christopher's waist and, for now, leads him over to the couch, taking a seat and pulling the other into his lap. He gets his hands under the other's top and kisses slowly along his jaw and down to his neck. His movements were easily fluid albeit that was just how he naturally moved but there was a certain awkwardness to them whenever he'd move his hands and the placement didn't feel right. It was small things like that that would easily show he wasn't used to this but he recovered quickly each time, learning and adapting quickly as per his nature. He kissed his way back to Christopher's lips, only pecking them before tugging at the other heir's top, quickly clearing Christopher's upper body of them. His hands found their place on his skin again, as well as his lips, finger periodically catching the hints of old sealed up wounds and tracing in some places where he knew the other's tattoos were.

@⚡ Soobinᵸ ( and this one :eyes: )

@⚡ Soobinᵸ Yeah… Perhaps it would have been safer. Perhaps it would have been easier on everyone if he had let go when he should have. Perhaps it would have saved a lot of people a lot of grief and time if he just accepted defeat and accepted reality as is. But no. No, he had to push it. He had to push his limits and test the waters regardless of what everyone else said or thought about it, himself included. It wasn’t a conscious action, it was more of him… trying to explore the unknown, the hidden ‘what if’s that no one dared trekking towards in fear of rejection. Sure, Christopher was scared of being denied, of being shut out the second he got there, but he sure as hell would rather go down saying he banged at the door and screamed instead of sitting at the bottom crying woe is me.

The hand on his chin forces him to look up and meet Soobin’s gaze with wide eyes, full lips parting slowly in shock as the space between them steadily decreases. Christopher’s hands instinctively shoot up to loosely hold onto his biceps when a belated gasp leaves him in the form of a shaky exhale, eyes fluttering halfway shut as he looks down at Soobin’s mouth, watching his lips form around the words being spoken, watching them shape the sentence he honestly never thought he’d hear. It wasn’t exactly the picture perfect line that we’d all hear in movies but… it was enough. In typical Soobin style, it was enough; Christopher’s heart lurching in his chest as the tips of their noses touch. How far into the deep end /did/ he want to go? Would he willingly drown in himself in the luscious warmth? Would he willingly let the temptation shroud him, wrap its fingers around him? Would he… finally allow himself to be vulnerable?

“Until I’m surrounded,” Christopher exhales breathlessly, honestly. “Until I have no choice but to let myself go, to surrender and give up control.” Glistening mismatched hues flick back up to meet the pair of deep brown hues staring back at him; mirroring the question aimed at him with one of his own as a light, yet playful, smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “So, just how deep are you planning on going?”

@? Christopherᵸ [] <3

Silence was both a thing that Soobin was good at but also something that caused him a lot of trouble more often than not. It was mainly due to the fact that next to no one could really read his expressions, not that he tended to make them. Of course, certain ones were obvious, such as when he would smile or laugh at a stupid joke. It tended to be clear when he was upset or irritated. Overall though, even these happened under very special circumstances. He didn't have many years on him, let alone with really being considered the heir, and yet he'd run into so many misunderstandings because those around him just couldn't read him. Even now, there feels to be a lot of misunderstanding between Soobin and Christopher, coming from both sides.

It felt like everyone around them was aware that Christopher held feelings for Soobin but Soobin himself had never been able to tell. He was quickly coming to realize that he's mistaken a lot of what Christopher had done for much simpler moments than they really were. Soobin had been the type to take things at surface value, not taking the time to read too much into someone else's words or actions. That did in turn make it easy for him to build trust issues over the years, realizing just how easy it was for some people to hug him and praise him but also lie in his face and try to drag him down. Yuto alone was a prime example. What brotherly love and admiration he'd once considered having for the older male had been swirled in a mixing pot and Soobin was still having issues sorting it out. Christopher, on the other hand, had even stated to him already that he'd always been following him. It explained things now if Soobin were to look back. What confused him more were the lengths that he had even considered, not to mention had actually gone through with, for Christopher.

Soobin was always in Christopher's web, though it was clear the other didn't even realize he'd had one out. By sticking close to Soobin, the other heir could easily keep him reined in. At some point, Christopher had gotten in and cracks began to form. Maybe that was part of the reason Soobin had always been on the run, always kept close enough but just out of reach with him. He'd been running before he even connected the reason. Everything that had happened with them had cracked Soobin's walls just that much more and Christopher was really starting to get in.

Soobin scanned Christopher's face, even as their gazes were no longer connected, though he ended up looking out at the city again. "It would've been a lot safer for you if you had," he answered after a few beats, "You wouldn't have ended up with more scars that you went in with. You would have been a lot freer..." His voice trailed off for a moment and his brows furrowed a bit, "You've gotten this close to me and you've put a lot of cracks in my walls. There's no turning back for me." He returned his gaze back down to Christopher and just watched him for a brief moment, "I've said it before that I can't promise you how things will go in the future but, for right now, for tonight, I'm not asking questions. I'm not overthinking it. I'm not running." Cupping Christopher's chin, he made the other look at him, speaking even lower now as he leaned his face in closely, "So, just how far into the deep end do you want to go?"

@⚡ Soobinᵸ ( doing my best to tackle some writers block so i'm sorry for the ty reply )

The glass still felt cold against his back. Goosebumps dotted along his skin, raising all the hairs on end, and he lets out a soft gasp when the chill ran down his spine. Christopher otherwise stood precisely still, letting himself be backed up against the window, letting himself be trapped between a solid force and a warm body. Still, though, he didn't want to press his luck. A part of him still felt like any wrong move would cause Soobin to pull away. He was still trying to work out what he could and couldn't do to or around him. The heir's head tips back against the glass so he could look up at the man in front of him, mismatched eyes softly gazing at Soobin. "I wasn't aware I had caught you in my web," Christopher chuckles quietly, keeping his hands to himself for now; gripping the windowsill behind him like his life depended on it.

He wanted to touch. He /always/ wanted to touch. Rose always for this growing up but physical touch was important to him, so he was never hesitant to touch someone. It grounded him, made him feel present not only in the moment but in that person's life. It was a love language truly and Christopher showed a lot of silent emotions any time he touched someone -- it was always with purpose. Everything he ever did had a reason behind it, one way or another, and Christopher always had a thing about being touched. Despite his love language being physical touch, he recoiled in discomfort every time someone tried to hug him. Turns out, there's only a very very select few that Christopher allows to touch him. Soobin, Rose, and Changbin being the only three with 'permission' to do so. And, boy, did he want to touch Soobin. Most of all... he wanted Soobin to touch him, to finally be the one to reach out first and grab hold of the other. Unlikely, he distantly thought to himself.

"But I can figure out a way to release you. That is..." Christopher tilts his head to the side with a soft hum as he trails off briefly, some loose strands falling into his eyes. "...If you want me to let you go. Maybe then you wouldn't be so troubled." It's something he has noticed over time, especially recently; seemingly all he ever does is burden the other heir one way or another. Christopher's gaze shifts until he's looking over Soobin's shoulder, smile faltering a little. "Honestly, I probably should've let you go long ago..."

@? Christopherᵸ Christopher's walking a thin line again with Soobin. The other heir always manages to find some way to do so. Soobin knows that Christopher's intentions are quite considerate when it comes to him but they have a habit of rubbing him the wrong way. With the time they've been trying to spend together as of late and the more they've actually spoken to one another, Soobin is very aware now as to why he feels that way. It's not because he's spiteful or angry or even truly uncomfortable with the other and it's got not because he feels Christopher is trying to attack him in any way. If anything, he's sure that it's unconscious in how he affects Soobin.

Christopher just has this habit of talking about things that Soobin brushes off.

Soobin doesn't voice much, especially his thoughts and emotions so when they're pulled out and laid on the table in front of him, he has the knee-jerk reaction of turning away in repulsion. He's not supposed to feel things or think too long and heavily about any one thing unless he's putting pieces together to track someone down or to figure out some things in the business aspect. This more personal kind of take isn't something he's ever wanted to dive into because it's nothing but a distraction. It's just something he noticed growing up and even now. His father was freed, much to the annoyance of the other families but there was just a lot to sort through now in his family. It amped up something that latched onto him for years since he was a kid. He'd learned at a young age that people use emotions to manipulate and control and he feared ever falling into that loophole. That wasn't the only reason. No, more had added themselves over the years and, quite frankly, according to his mother and father, it's just the way that he's always been. They were both aware of how he acted around them versus around everyone else as a kid.

Emotions were a messed up thing that just didn't make sense, almost all the time really.

Now, at this moment, they made even less sense. Although hearing Christopher spell out how he used to act around and with him, he figures maybe that was why. His curiosity had apparently blossomed into something else. Was Christopher still just curious about him? Soobin hates the fact that he can accept things as is but still have to question everything, even if he never actually voices said questions. He's tempted to ask just how Christopher will hold up if everything he's thought and felt about Soobin turns out to be the opposite. What if there isn't as much behind his stoic expressions and blunt words? That he can care and feel but that's all there is to it. He doesn't experience them, doesn't let himself.

He's questioning himself more than Christopher at this point. What if he finally opens that door to his glass house and everything shatters around him? Just what will spill out?

Soobin's been quiet for far too long, a crack forming in the gloss over his eyes. Christopher's doing it yet again. He isn't sure how many times it's been today that the other is pulling things from him, from deep in that cage in his chest, and slamming it on the table like a heavy stack of mile-high paperwork. He's staring at the other heir now, too. Kind of just staring. What would happen if Christopher were to shatter again because he really is always a few steps behind him? Soobin has done his best to keep his distance over the years and all Christopher has done is constantly close that distance and grab him. No matter what he's done, he's never been able to get far and he can't tell if that's because he really can't or because he doesn't want to.

He looks down at nothing in particular and then nods. He's trying to figure out what to say but the only thing that comes out at first is, "Yes." He catches himself off guard with the word, the fact that he's having trouble voicing all the other thoughts rushing through his head. Maybe that's for the best. Maybe it's the only way to handle things for now.

No trying to explain things, to himself or to Christopher.
No leaving room for interpretation or mistakes.
No reading between the lines.
No creating empty spaces and no filling in the gaps of ones that may appear.

'Leave it' is the next thought that crosses his mind, and it quickly makes itself his only thought. He falls into it and accepts it, which is how he usually works. It's the reason everyone else thinks he's got some mask on. He just hones in on one thought and everything else falls away.

Part of him is panicking but that falls away more and more as he back Christopher up to the window again. The absolute lack of distance between them makes his chest tight and he considers going for the other's lips but kisses his forehead instead. His gaze draws up for a moment, over Christopher's head to look out at the town as he speaks quietly, "I don't know why you want to ruin me so much but you're making it very hard for me to pull out of your web. I don't even know if I can anymore."

@⚡ Soobinᵸ ( it ing deleted a portion of my ing reply, i'm genuinely too ing pissed to redo it osjdosj i am fuming right now i am so sorry love i don't understand why this is happening so much )

He didn't want to run anymore. He was tired of running. Tired of being afraid all the time. Tired of questioning things, of doubting things. Christopher was ready to face it. He was ready to chase it. He was ready to confront it. "Listen," he began, taking another deep breath before tentatively taking one of Soobin's hands. "I don't know about you, but I'm done trying to make sense of everything. Nothing makes sense anymore, and that's okay-- it doesn't need to. Either way, I... I don't know where this night will take us. I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that... I want to find out. I want to pursue it, I want to pursue the idea of an 'us' because... 'us' sounds pretty nice, don't you think?" The heir chuckles airily the touch of humor he tosses in in hopes to lighten the atmosphere. "I know there's nothing set in stone. And I know promises mean nothing right now, but I /can/ promise you one thing: you never need to worry about loyalty. I've always been a few paces behind you, after all." There was a light smile dancing on his lips as he regarded the other male for a moment before bringing Soobin's hand up to press a gentle kiss to his knuckles. He then timidly asks, "So... what do you say, Soobin? Do you wanna travel the unknown with me?"

[post deleted by owner]

@⚡ Soobinᵸ ( 2/?? )

The heir leans against the glass some more, putting his body weight against it and shuddering as the condensation melts through his shirt to meet his skin. "When we were kids and I was being bullied for being a foreigner, you stood up for me. You chased them off, made sure I was okay, and carried me to the nurse's office so my ankle could get treated. You helped me learn Korean, never losing your patience when it took me eons to know how to pronounce words correctly due to my ADHD and speech impairment. You silently took care of me when no one was looking, and made sure I was safe and taken care of. Even when things got rocky between us, I'd always see you lingering outside the room listening in any time I'd wind up in yet another infirmary room. I've watched you over the years regarding your mother, your family, your friends, and those around you. Your words may come out sharp but no one really seems to pay close enough attention, do they?" Christopher tilts his head to the side, scanning Soobin's features with eyes that swam with something warm, something tangible. "People like to judge you by first glance but I knew the moment I saw you that you had depth. Call it morbid curiosity, but I had to know more about you. There had to be a reason behind the stoic facade, there always is. Just like there's a reason behind my mask, there had to be a reason why you were the way you were. I wanted to find out, not for the sake of digging into someone's business and finding dirt on them but... to understand. I wanted to understand you, that's all."

@⚡ Soobinᵸ ( it did it again............ 1/?? )

It seemed as if this was unknown to the both of them. Wherever this night was going to take them would be a mystery, and perhaps it should stay that way. Perhaps it was better off not knowing. Perhaps he would be wise to not dig for answers, to not pry and ask the big questions of 'Why?' and 'How come?' Sometimes it was best to let things be the way they are, to let things flow naturally into place and let the bigger picture form on its own. Sometimes it was best to take a breath, take a step back, and take a leap of faith and hope for the best outcome. The need to know the answer, to know the outcome, to know what comes next comes from the anxiety of having things ripped from his fingers. He doesn't like unpredictability. He hates change. He only finds comfort in consistency, in a system.

Christopher remained against the window the entire time, gaze following the other heir move around silently, letting his speak and meeting his gaze; never wavering away from it. Soobin was terrified, too. For some reason, that made him feel relieved. "Please don't misunderstand my words," he spoke up after several moments of silence. "I wasn't directly calling you cold, nor do I think you are. Many people do, yes, and I'm sure you yourself are one of them. But you're not cold, Soobin. I have my own reasons for believing so."

@? Christopherᵸ Soobin can’t help being quiet as he listens to Christopher explain. Periodically, he glances at the other’s reflection in the glass but keeps his gaze focused outside. As Christopher brings up his family, his birth family, he’s sure it’s a touchy topic to some degree. He’s heard things about what happened but had never dared ask as he figured it just wasn’t his business, and it wasn’t. As far as he was concerned, it wouldn’t change his view of the other, and it shouldn’t. It would make sense that it shaped Christopher but no one’s past defines who they actually are. Circumstances and environment can easily change in the blink of an eye and lead people to doing things they never would have thought they’d do. From the pieces he’s heard and from what he’s hearing now, he’d been going about it with the right mindset.

Hearing Christopher’s side and being aware of the other side of the equation, there was no clear right or wrong as to how things had been handled. No, he doesn’t think it was right for anyone to have bullied or bashed Christopher’s character but at the same time, from being on the other end, it seemed like an eerie obsession. Soobin’s mother was best friends with Rose but he didn’t know nearly as much about the Won family. It wasn’t like he couldn’t find out if he wanted to but he also wasn’t apart of the family and the information he knew of its members would suffice, unless one of the proved otherwise.

As Christopher continues, Soobin is taking it all in, only to be halted by a specific statement. His body turns rigid and he’s never considered himself to be wearing a mask but it seems that’s all others take his distance to be. He allows the reach to connect, his gaze finding Christopher’s face and focusing. It isn’t until there’s a request followed by silence in the apartment that Soobin is processing a response.

“I’m not going to make you promises when I’m navigating the unknown. I’m not used to second-guessing myself and taking steps forward into the dark when I don’t know what’s ahead of me is just as dangerous,” his voice is clear, his words sharp. Soobin isn’t sure where he’s going with this but these seem to be some of the words that have been waiting for their chance to hit the air. “I don’t believe in one night stands, if that’s what you’re asking. They aren’t my thing,” he exhales, easily and coolly, and takes another sip of his water, “Any and everything I’ve said is far from just flightless nothings, including me not being done with you but that’s not just in a ual sense. Even if we weren’t to end up tangled together somehow in some way, this exchange was important.” He shakes his head, his gaze out onto the city, “I’m not going to tell you I feel some way and I don’t. I am still unsure as I’ve never taken this route with anyone. I’ve never done anything special to draw you to me, nothing intentionally, yet you haven’t let go, and as I’ve learned, it’s been more than just a long time coming. I, on the other hand, have clearly only ever been cold…” His words have a hard stop although it’s more accurately a thought trailing off. He’s quiet for some time, drinking his water, then he steps back, his gaze finally returning to the other heir, “To simplify, I couldn’t give you an idea of where this is going but I can assure you I wouldn’t be doing this just to toy with you. I would like a clear answer just as much as you would but I’m being forced to see that there are questions without answers here. Some that may not be answered until later down the line and some that maybe will never be answered at all. I have some form of both attraction and attachment to you and it’s more than just something between a pair of friends with benefits or any other proper comparison. I would’ve never even asked you to come here otherwise.”

Soobin is quiet again, taking a moment to finish his drink. He takes his glass to the kitchen and walks back in, both hands in his pockets. He’s borderline irritated with himself because he’s unsure if he’s being clear or if he’s spewing poetic nonsense to get his point across. Christopher is far from stupid but Soobin is also doing his best not to give him a runaround answer. He’s trying not to dwell on small things, both in what Christopher has said and those same thoughts he’s been plagued with of him being heartless, cold and distant. “You’re not the only one terrified,” Soobin says clearly, looking the other in his eyes. He’s tempted to comment on how things were in the past, how he never noticed Christopher’s feelings for him and so on, but he doesn’t want to. He isn’t sure how it would help anything move forward anyway. “You’re not the only one terrified here,” he repeats, “You’re getting in through the cracks and none of this is making any sense to me. It’s getting hard for me to tell if you’re still slipping in or if I’m starting to let you in on my own.” There’s more swimming in his thoughts and, like always, he can’t ever get them all out or sort which is appropriate for the present, so he shuts up. Plain and simple. Soobin is talking in circles anyway because he can’t figure out what’s going on in his own head about all of this. It’s clear they’d fight for each other’s lives, to some degree at least, but he’s questioning it just as much if it’s safe for him to allow himself to be this vulnerable with Christopher. It would be nice to let someone in for once but emotions are double-edged swords and it’s about just how deeply one falls on one of those edges. He wouldn’t purposely hurt the other, or anyone for that matter, which could possibly be why he’s never allowed someone in intimately and romantically before. “Maybe that’s just the fate of being cold,” Soobin unintentionally utters the thought aloud, but it’s nothing more than a faint whisper.

@⚡ Soobinᵸ Christopher accepts the glass of water gratefully and murmurs a soft 'thank you' before raising it to his lips to take a sip of it. It was enough to satisfy his thirst for now and ease the nerves that were slowly grasping at his throat. He wasn't feeling so confident now. He feels vulnerable. "It's not that," he quickly reassured after the other took notice in the shift of his demeanor. "You didn't say or do anything wrong, I can assure you. I'm just..." Christopher trails off, never taking his gaze off of the sunset. His brows furrow and his fingers curl a little tighter around the glass. Then, quietly, "...terrified." If there was a time to be honest, it was now. "I'm used to having the rug pulled from under my feet. I'm used to having things slip through my fingers like sand... and I'm far too used to burying loved ones." The last few word left a bitterness in his mouth. A sip of cold water only numbed it temporarily.

He never did speak to Soobin about his family. In fact, he never spoke to anyone about his family, not even Rose. The accident and the life he had before was kept under lock and key. With everything that's happened up until now, the news of the crash broke out, of course, and people started handling him with more sympathy after finding out he was tragically orphaned at a crucial age. However, Christopher never spoke of it despite being prompted by questions; people wanted to know what happened, what caused it, how he managed to heal afterwards (but, oh, if they knew what he did to himself as a way to 'heal'). Those details were wiped out from the medical sheets on purpose. "After what happened to my family, bouncing back and forth between foster homes, running away from the orphanage whenever I could-- I lost myself somewhere. I blamed myself for it all, and I still do now. People asked how I coped. I told them I went to therapy, like a normal person would. I lied. I became insanely suicidal, going in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. If I wasn't slitting my wrists, I was popping pills. Anything to escape the reality I created. I did all of this without a single person knowing. I'd show up late to an heir meeting claiming I overslept when really, I had just checked out of the hospital. The whole fiasco with what's-his-face only made it worse, the things everyone was saying to me..." Christopher trails off again, having to take a moment to swallow the lump that formed in his throat. "Every day, I struggled to find a reason to continue. No one took the time to understand me or where I was coming from, why I felt a certain way about something or someone. I was automatically outcasted, considered a traitor for pointing out the real traitor hiding in plain sight and by the time the truth came to light, the damage was already done-- no apology could fix years of abuse. Still, I smiled and told everyone there was nothing to forgive. I was far too exhausted to bother trying to show how I felt to anyone anymore... so I began masking, to never show a reaction ever again." The heir lets out a small laugh and shakes his head, taking another sip of his water before setting it down on a nearby countertop. "I guess I was trying to become you. I was tired of feeling things so much, I hated myself. I kept trying to let you go, too. I don't know what kept me hooked in but..."

Christopher debated saying the following words, however this was a conversation long overdue. "In a way, it was if my love for you was killing me. No matter how hard I tried, you never looked at me. Nothing ever seemed to be enough, and I eventually convinced myself that I'm not worthy of you. And eventually I convinced myself that I'm never going to be the one you want in the end. I held on to these feelings for years. I ran from them. I tried to kill them, tried to stifle them, tried to bury them, tried to deny them. The heart wants what it wants, it seems, because it still held on to this long lost hope that there's a chance somewhere. But... I need to know. I deserve to know. I've waited this long... Surely, I'm owed an answer at least, right?"

By now, the heir had turned around and was currently leaning back against the glass with one hand braced against the windowsill while the other slowly reached forward. "I've loved you this entire time," Christopher proclaimed in a whisper, fingers carefully curling around Soobin's. "At the same time, I know it wasn't mutual. I never expected it to be and simply told myself to be content watching you from afar, because that's seemingly as close as you'd ever let me get. Did you notice? How I started leaving you alone before everything happened? I guess I just... gave up. That's why I was so accepting the day I got shot, a part of me did want to die-- I expected to, truthfully. I wanted to die so badly that I got way too comfortable staring down the barrel of a 45. Hah... I'd probably thank them for pulling the trigger." Christopher's fingers gently curl around Soobin's pinky and ring finger, spreading slowly with the intent to intertwine only to pause, falter, then carefully retreat. His expression was soft despite being rather solemn. He pulls his hand back and looks away, inhaling through his nose before looking up to meet the other's gaze.

"For the sake of whatever is left of my heart, I need to know. I need to hear it, even if it's bad. I need to put it to rest, once and for all-- if thing is something I need to let go of, then..." A pause. "I need you to tell me. I need you to tell me if you only want me for tonight and not tomorrow or the days following. I need to know if this attraction is momentary. I've no clue how you see me or where my stance is in your life. For all I know, I could be in a corner somewhere; only useful when you need to let off some steam. But I was always so scared of asking you how you felt about me... I didn't think it'd get me anywhere, and I was so sure the only answer I'd get is 'I don't know.' So if this is just a one night thing in your point of view then," Christopher takes a deep breath and looks off, nodding stiffly, "I can accept that, and then work on finally moving on. On the other hand... the way you've kissed me lately, the things you've been saying, it's... it's brought that hope back in again. I don't want to get the wrong idea about tonight if you-- if I'm not--" Stop. Breathe. He closes his eyes, tips his head back against the glass and exhales slowly.

"Just tell me to my face, Soobin... Please."

@? Christopherᵸ [] Aw, love. ;w; <3

Soobin raises his brow at the sounds the other lets out, tilting his head a little. He was sure he'd never heard him make them before and wondered what exactly sparked them. "Since we were kids," he questions, shaking his head, "I never would have guessed that." That was a surprising revelation to him but he was thankful to know since it answered at least one of his questions. Christopher had been into him much longer than he ever would've guessed. The question of why is still weighing heavily on his thoughts though. Soobin can't recall ever having done anything to spark the other's interest from when they were kids. Then again, both of his parents always told him that he tended to be in his own world. It was as though he was on the outside looking in, functioning in the same space as everyone else but never really experiencing the same things or seeing the same things. There were benefits to it but, at the same time, he tended to miss a lot.

With the words that spilled from Christopher's mouth, Soobin almost draws his hand back but he doesn't. He also doesn't expect the other to actually take his hands but, once he does, he just eyes their hands, holding onto Christopher's before looking out of the window again. His mind is focusing on different things, mostly work-related things now. There are things he's suddenly remembering that he does have to talk over with Keonhee and Yeonjun and he's glad that he remembers as he makes a mental note to do so once he has some time and space to himself again.

He gets Christopher some water, bringing the glass over to him as they stand in front of the window. "You think so? Thank you," he nods once and then sips from his own water. Soobin's thankful for his place as it works as nothing short of a hideaway for him. From what he can remember, Christopher is the only other person to enter the apartment aside from Yeonjun and Keonhee. His own mother and father had never been there and neither had Yuto. He understood why. His mother had a different reason from his father and Yuto and Soobin were sure it was more for safety than anything else. He had a safe place to escape the world and almost no one knew about it.

He drinks down more of his water with more questions hanging on his tongue. He quickly sorts through them to figure out which one to actually voice. "Did I say something that was off-putting on the way here," Soobin asks, deciding not to pretend that he didn't notice the shift in the other's aura. He takes a step back though, giving the other some space. He doesn't want to assume anything either so he'd prefer to just ask. This was his usual nature for those he was close to. Soobin constantly stepped on toes without meaning to and he typically felt he needed another point of view to understand where he went wrong. He felt that way though even when he was sure he was doing the right thing. As objective a person as he is, leaning toward logic, he second-guessed pretty much everything when he felt even the slightest sliver of emotion was tainting his response to something. There was safety in walls and the heir was being reminded that his were crumbling painfully slow.

@⚡ Soobinᵸ If Christopher was being shy and flustered in front of someone, it meant the mask was off. The mask was normally placed to hide his real self, hide his emotions and thoughts and reactions. The mask was on at all times when he was in heir mode, and so far, Soobin has only seen him in that mode so it would make sense that he would think Christopher was faking it. He had never seen him shy before, only confident and unmoving. But, oh, was he a shy, shy man. He just learned how to mask it extremely well. However, it appears that he's starting to get a little to comfortable around Soobin... Perhaps it was a bad idea to start taking it off.

/Put it back on./

Christopher inhales through his teeth, a soft noise that would otherwise deem unworthy of attention if one never paid much attention to him. The smile had softened considerably and his gaze diverted elsewhere, posture straightening with one leg crossing over the other. "You're right, it isn't like me to lose my cool. Especially not over a guy." The mask was back on. "Guess I also need to learn how to calm down, huh?" When Soobin offered his hand, Christopher contemplated for a second or two before tentatively reaching over to take it, not minding the glove as he lets their fingers slot together. Soobin's hand was noticeably bigger than his.

He wasn't surprised by the silence. Neither of them really seemed to want to talk until they were actually in private. It gave Christopher the excuse to peer aimlessly out of the window wordlessly and ponder in his thoughts. There was nothing he was really thinking about. At least, nothing worth noting. By the time they arrived at the apartment building, Christopher had successfully dissociated the entire ride. When he blinked, the car was parked and the door was being opened. That's when he lets go of Soobin's hand (if Keonhee noticed, he didn't make it obvious) and climbs out, taking a few steps forward to take in the building before him; oblivious to the interaction going on behind him. This was a place he's never been to before. Sure, his own condo is in a skyscraper but it was not the top level and it was definitely /not/ the tallest building around either.

Following the other blindly through the corridors until reaching their destination, Christopher dutifully takes off his shoes and picks out a pair of slippers after hanging his suit jacket up. "You have a nice place," he complimented. "It suits you. Oh, and just a glass of ice water for now, please." Christopher stuffs his hands into his pockets and wanders over to one of the large windows in the livingroom, gazing down at the view below. The sunset was low in the sky, blending in smooth colors that faintly reflected in his mismatched hues. "So beautiful..."

@⚡ Soobinᵸ (1/?? im ing tired of this site )

At Soobin's response, Christopher can't help but laugh. He was right. He was absolutely right, he knew him so well. Even if Soobin gave him a reason to -- and honestly? The past several years were definitely a good enough reason -- he still wouldn't leave him be. He didn't then, why would he now? His laughter fills the vehicle for a few moments, a hand lifting to help hide his mouth when tiny, miniscule little squeaks manage to slip through; something that usually only happened whenever he laughed too much. "You caught me," Christopher admitted breathlessly, head leaning against the seat behind him as he smiles over at the other man, dimples showing; charming when he's only genuinely being timid. "You've had me wrapped around your finger since we were kids, but I'm sure you haven't noticed. have you?"

Truthfully, Christopher has always been a shy person. It was embedded into his personality. Being naturally introverted and learning how to take off his 'mask', he could easily put on a friendly smile in social situations and during meetings -- anywhere where he /had/ to talk. Any other situation, however? Catch him in the corner silently observing everyone mingling and being the only one sipping an iced tea while everyone had various cocktails, wines, and liquors in hand. People were drawn to him but he was never a people person, and he most certainly was not one for crowds either. There was no faking being shy because, in fact, it was entirely the opposite.

@? Christopherᵸ "I have a strong feeling that you wouldn't leave me be even if I gave you a reason to," Soobin nodded slowly, "Especially if that's how you're describing me. You never have been the type to give up easily after all." As their lips meet, a quick smile crosses his lips, fading as quickly as it appeared as it's gone before they part. His gaze darkens although his overall expression doesn't change all that much. He knows those words were said on purpose. "Saying things like that to me and then trying to pretend that you're shy," Soobin shakes his head, doing a few more shakes to adjust his fringe after. He wonders just how much more comfortable Christopher may be once they're at his apartment and in a much more private space. He also gets the flickering thought of how Christopher would respond anyway, considering Soobin is very sure that the other has never been to his apartment.

Settling in the car, he's silent as he listens to the interaction. As Christopher slides in next to him, Soobin has a brief moment of eye contact with Keonhee before the other is closing the door. The curiosity is incredibly hard to miss in Keonhee's eyes but he just smiles and bows his head before going around to get into the driver's seat. Soobin simply folds his hands in his lap and rolls his shoulders before looking over at Christopher. His brows furrow before he offers the other a hand, his gloves on now. "It's not like you to lose your cool," he teased, "What's the matter?"

He was quiet for the entirety of the ride, as he usually was. The car was usually filled up with Keonhee talking to him about one thing or the other and, if Yeonjun was with them, Keonhee and Yeonjun's bantering. Once they arrived and Keonhee was letting them out, Soobin got out last and thanked Keonhee, who ended up grabbing lightly at his jacket. His expression had been full of questions when they got in but now it seems he's more concerned than anything else. "You can relax. I don't want you going and getting Yeonjun riled up either, okay," he nodded once to reassure Keonhee, "Everything is fine." He made sure to keep his voice down, waiting for confirmation from his elite before moving to stand by Christopher. He leads him up to his apartment and steps aside after he's gotten the door open, letting his guest inside first.

Much like his wardrobe, Soobin's apartment was neutral in color palette and much like the way he carried himself and handled business was his apartment neat and tidy. Keonhee and Yeonjun had debated on more than one occasion if he had some form of obsessive compulsive disorder since it seemed he had to have everything organized all the time but, in actuality, he didn't get stressed over things if they weren't in place. He just found peace in cleaning up his apartment and when his two elite would help, they would play music and just enjoy themselves. It was his way of decompressing and it worked very well.

He stepped out of his shoes in the entryway and slipped on his house slippers before sliding out of his trench coat to hang it up. "You can use whichever pair of slippers you like," he looked over at Christopher then got out the soiled handkerchief from his pocket and dropped it off in a hamper. "Do you want something to drink at all," Soobin offers, considering taking off his turtleneck but not doing so just yet. He does grab himself some ice water from the fridge, "Welcome to my abode. Make yourself comfortable."