☣ tigers hq

@l. taemin /i did as you'd suggested that night, rested though i couldn't sleep, watching your hand sometimes clench and then unfurl numerous times
/sadly i'd wonder what you wanted to hold so badly, was it a weapon? was it someone else's hand? railing before taking a leap?
/these things i don't know and won't ever know but it's not the point in these thoughts, they're distractions from something i've already decided on doing
/annoyed at myself i can't seem to think of anything else while you keep me company there, thinking of chanyeol because he's like a plague i won't ever be free of until i die
/that's why a few days later i find myself going to confront the man again, demanding this time with tears why he did to me what he did that day
/it ends in more tears and hardly any answers, not the ones i wanted and it sends me reeling, not handling it very well at all
/sobbing by the time i arrive back i crash through one of the tin roofs, my teleporting off because of my mood, i've normally got such good control but not right now
/it shows how upset i am, beside myself as i just lay there in the mess and dust, crying softly while i look up at the night sky
/to be told i had my chance of freedom snatched from me because i was wanted to be kept at his side and then for him to abandon me is cruel enough
/what's worse is how i know there's more to it but i won't be told, he won't tell me the truth and it drives me mad, hiccupping as the stars begin blurring out one by one in my vision

@k. jongin /your flinches don't offend me i know all too well that most touches weren't always so gentle and the ones that were held back the pain that would come later, my touch is not too gentle or hash, simply there even after you flinch, the feel of your heated skin is still so forgein to me, you burn like furnace just like your emotions, i can't help but envy that, i listen to you and give you a curt nod, understanding that we shouldn't eliminate your stressor but all the same i crave it if only to end your pain for a moment
unfornuate...perhaps at another time
/murmurs, because we both know i won't simply let go someone causing you any sort of ham or distress, but i'll set it to the side for now, blinks slowly at your words, when they're spoken out loud like that it feels odd to acknowledge, of course i am worried, i'm always worried about you, something about you makes it hard to stay away, its even harder not to want to be a shield of sorts for you, though i know i am not fully equipped to be that for you, looks at your hand on mine, the gentle squeeze tugs at something in my chest, my breath hitches for a moment but i redirect my attention to you
as you wish...
rest...i'll keep watch
/says softly and draws back from you touch, though the heat of your hand lingers there as i return to my seat, my hand strains at my side, clenching and unclenching my fingers as it buzzes with life

@l. taemin /watching as you come closer to me i see you're in your own kind of trance, one you seem to always struggle to break out of because of what you've been through
/you touch my shoulder and i only flinch a little, not pulling away its only because i've gown so unused to being touched without some dark agenda behind it
/as you ask to get rid of the problem for me i shake my head softly, you know you can't do that and i do too, a small sigh leaving my lips
no...
no i can't do that and neither can you
/i could, we both could, maybe chanyeol would even appreciate it in the current mindset he's in, but it wouldn't work for now, there's no point in bloodying your hands
you're worried about me
/murmurs because its something i've struggled to understand, considering the relationships i've had in my life, its foreign to me
enough, push it from your mind
/reaches my hand out and places my hand over your own, giving it a small squeeze before i sink back down on the bed, sighing as i close my eyelids

@k. jongin /once you awaken i find the tension in my shoulders loosen just a bit, i watch you tear at the covers and sigh inwardly, you feral gaze meets my impassive one, you say my name and my head tilts, each of my movements look as if i'm trying to mimic a human rather than i am one,
jongin...
/says your name, voice just barely above a whisper and i know you want to yell and scream at me for what i did but we both know it was for the best, perhaps one day we both will be able to scream until our lungs give out, until that day we must smother it all no matter how much it hurts, i stand from my chair and walk to your side, i don't make a sound, nor intend to sing anymore, i reach for you and my fingers tentatively touch your shoulder
shall...shall i eliminate what is causing you distress?
/asks my voice softer than before but still hold this icy monotone-likeness, its hard for me to show all that a i feel, harder to even say it, i'm meant to work only as a radio, to be to sing at apporiate times and then turned off until needed, thats what they trained me to be, and yet i know what you need isn't another song but to let all of this votaile emotions out, in what i hope to be in a purposful way
or...would you like to do it yourself? whatever it is you want we must take care of it quickly.

@k. jongin /i wake up to the sensation of stinging in my hands, which happens often enough that it should be familiar, but still causes me to shudder; pain and disgust are the most prominent feelings inspired by it; i open my eyes to see my bruised and bloodied knuckles, littered with scrapes and cuts; 'not again,' i think, turning my gaze away to stare at the wall at the far end of the room, not wanting to acknowledge the evidence of a night spent somewhere other than the bed i'm laying in; i'm so tired; it's been getting harder to sleep lately, too scared to let myself drift off knowing that [he] will take control, but staying awake only makes me more tired in the end; exhaustion has settled into my bones like iron shackles, and yet my heart thuds with anxiety against my ribs, as i wonder what carnage was wrought in the night while i was unconscious; it's too much to bear; i finally push myself up from the mattress, hissing as more aches and pains in my body make themselves known, but i still stand, making my way out of the room in search of something, anything to help alleviate the fear and the hurt; i find you in another area of the compound, and i'm immediately taken hold of by the urge to reach out for a grounding touch, but i don't want to overstep; i stand just beyond the entrance of the room, somewhat timid, and clutching the edge of my sweatshirt.
jongin, can i-
/i swallow, my gaze turning towards the ground.
it happened again...

[] hhhh-- sry if this isn't all that good, also feel free to respond with as much or as little as you'd like !! ;; u ;;

@l. taemin /to imagine if someone else would find me like this, anyone else but you, it doesn't bare thinking about because god knows how they'd think of me
/weak, fragile, fractured to the point the slightest application of too much force will send me reeling, broken into thousands of tiny pieces that perhaps no one could repair
/as you lift me up and carry me off we look like some renaissance painting together, art in motion and its only because the best pieces carry such agony anyone could see at a single glance of us
/who knows how much time passes before i'm awoken very suddenly from my nightmare, gasping as i spring upright and fight the covers i'm tangled among
/the sound of fabric tearing soon follows and i'm whimpering softly, passing my hand over my chest and it shakes, fingers curling over the spot
/wild eyes dart about the room before settling on you last, looking into your eyes before i remember, knowing what you did
taemin...
/trails off as i don't have it in me to tell you off for what you did, i know it was for me but it stills has me looking away, sinking my face into my hands
/curling in on myself as i sit there i hide for a few more stolen moments, god knows i'm in need of it, even if i won't verbally admit as much

@k. jongin /your begging is heart wrenching, its just unfortunate that i can't feel it--that wasn't completely true i felt this distant twinge in my chest, like a pinching that just wouldn't stop as you cried and pleaded, and yet i knew i could not let you go on like this, you, our leader, no one else could discover you like this and we both knew it, sleep was the best choice, i should be sorry to be the one that has to make it for you, but i'm not
it's okay jongin...i'll keep you safe
/my promise is like a kiss right before you fall into my arms, and there i sit on the floor, your sleep leaden body craddled to mine like a broken doll, i stare down at your tear streaked face, my hand goes to wipe away the evidence of the night, i brush back sweat matted hair and hold you like i always do, my eyes take awhile to find their light again, but its just a flicker, like a dying lighter on its last legs, and with a single breath they're out again, eyes like vacant endless chasams where a siren's song promises you paradise beneath their depths
little jongin...when will you learn...never to trust anyone here
we are monsters made by other monsters...everyone wants out...
/murmurs as i let my hand caress your cheek, and then i rise hefting you into my arms and carrying you, my song was strong enough to give you a handful of hours of sleep, i know you don't like to sleep for too long but you need time, and this is what we can afford in this world, stolen hours force fed like a drug, i carry you to your private quaters and settle you down onto the bed, once tucked in I sit in my chair and watch you with those dark listless eyes, waiting for you awake, i won't let you wake up alone, not again

@l. taemin /the screaming begins to fade out, slowly but surely i stop telling the night and all who will hear how much i'm hurting, how much i hate being alive right now
/in its place comes broken noises, like an animal hurting as i curl in on myself on my knees, fingers sunk into my hair and nails digging into my scalp
/i hear your sweet melody and at least at first i let out a small 'no', shaking my head as i continue to tremble like a leaf
stop... p-please
/begs as i fear sleep itself, i hate it, i became so used to being forced to stay awake i don't want this, i don't want any of this
no no no-
/whimpering as you join me but don't touch me just yet, i watch you quietly and feel your words sweeping over me, my eyes rolling in my head to look up at the ceiling
it hurts... taemin, i-
/my hands let go of my own hair and head, slumping to the floor where we kneel before i let my gaze fall to you as well
i'm scared...
/words i really wouldn't dare sharing with anyone else, what kind of leader would i be then? i'm already failing at everything else
/tears streak down the sides of my face as i look at you, struggling to keep my eyelids open and i give in, finally, swaying before i teetering
/relying on you to catch me i fall asleep on the spot, slumping into your arms once i'm caught, looking terribly broken and sad but somewhat resting for now, thanks to you

@k. jongin ((o u c h))

//the night had begun silent, and then the screams came, while screams were not a sound i wasn't acustomed to, i'd here them often through the nights, days all in between while tests were conducted, this sound was of an ache of a broken heart, i could tell by the haunting echos this pain could not be hushed over with a simple melody, and these screams were familiar to me, or at least the screamer;
oh...jongin....
/sighs gently as i make my way to headquaters, my steps slow as i let you unleash the pain that ravishes through you so violently, your screams cresendo in my ears, your sobs wet with long buied tears, and i stand the door watching you a heap of a person, come apart at the seams, nothing left but a weeping child and i know this image far too well, and somewhere inside me i feel a pain, a pain i tentatively smooth over with the tips of my fingers, just as i drop to my hands and knees and make my way to you silently, as i near i begin my gentle song, soft notes colored in liacs and blues as i reach you and sit there on all fours staring at you with dark vacant eyes, i sing of warmed honey and milk, or feather soft touches and cool starlit nights, i sing for you to find relief like aloe to a burn, or more like i'm smothering out a fire burning far too hot and fast, i sing to make you stop, stop it all for even just a moment
rest little one...rest i'm here...close your eyes and fall i will be there to catch you
/whispers the last of my song as my fingers gingerly touch your hair and my eyes glow the faintest shade of lilac

@l. taemin < tw: depictions of trauma, generally angsty things/no one is happy here lmao >

/it feels like ice is spreading through my veins, i can feel it reaching even my fingertips as it fans out and painfully stings me, making me increasingly unstable
/all of it hurts and more so is the reunion i had finished but a moment ago, the hyung i used to follow around as a little kid, the one who could do no wrong in my eyes has become a shell - i don't know him
/increasingly distressed with how the talk ended a soft whimper leaves me as i'm teleporting but its botched and stunted, i don't get very far each time i do it
/on top of that each mini trip sends another round of pain through me, knowing i should probably be more worried about it than i am currently but i can't bring myself to focus on anything else but the pain
/more of those noises leave me and one last push makes my powers semi-work, bringing me just outside the current headquarters we're using
/slapping my hand against the door frame i lean into it and push with my shoulder, grunting as i get to shove the door open and its creaking announces my arrival
/sinking back against it once i'm inside i let it thud shut behind me, looking about as i curl my hand over my shoulder and hold it
/there's scratches and forming bruises on me from tonight, not from chanyeol, but from the men i murdered before that, all of them part of the government scheme so i feel nothing but regret for not ending more
/sniffing i brush some of the blood off my hand and i realise then as i smudge it that i'm shaking, angered by this i let out a yell and slam my hands down on the nearest surface
/i'm angry because seeing him for the first time since that night i thought i'd have handled it better, not cried, not gotten emotional, but i did and i feel like i failed
/more than anger i'm hurt, still i have no answer and i doubt i'm ever going to get one, i hate it, i hate him and all the memories i can't forget, happier ones that won't be erased like a stubborn stain
/yelling again i slam my hands down on the surface several more times, when its not enough i begin raining those same palms of mine down against the sides of my head
/screams turn to sobs while i crumple in on myself, fingers curling into my hair while i hold on, shaking violently at this point while the ends of my screams echo about the otherwise mostly empty compound