☣ no man's land

@p. chanyeol /while you pry my hands off your clothing and hold my hands in your own, my fingertips twitch because i half expected you to just throw me off
/as you tell me why you stopped me from going, from escaping this hell i shake my head, a soft 'no' leaving my lips because i refuse to believe it
no... no-
/you let me go and i stumble back, feeling like ice is stinging through my skin after the things you've so cruelly said to me now
you're lying to me...
y-you'd never have done that to me--
/there's tears filling my eyes as i look at you, fresh ones that begin falling down my face because you're right, its the truth but no the one i'd hoped for
you were my hyung! how could you!
we were g-going to be free, all of us--
/i'm so worked up and upset that talking is the hardest thing to do right now alongside just breathing, another sob leaving my lips
/it sounds so broken and hurt, you've broken my heart all over again which i thought would be impossible considering the things you've done to me
you didn't let me leave because y-you wanted me to stay with you?
and its worth it to be stuck here?
/anger begins to rear its head as i watch you, tugging on your clothing once more and why shouldn't i? i'm so unbelievably upset with you
no! i refuse!
/bringing my shaking hands to my head i cradle it between my hands, dropping to my knees at your feet and sobbing, properly crying now
s-stop... stop!

@k. jongin what is there for me to do, hm?
arent i just going to ruin things more and more?
/my expression is so empty, so blank as i look at you, even if under the surface there's at least a little more emotions that i just cant or wont express
/but then, then it changes, and if anything its a sad but knowing smile that stretches across my lips, something you surely dont like but i dont answer just yet
/instead i let you lash out on me, a part of me feeling like i deserve it anyway so i take your venom, i let it sink in even as much as it hurts because thats the point
/nudged back by your shove, i raise a brow as you hold onto me, demanding me to tell you and i know its not going to be something you want to hear
have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, i dont tell you things you dont want to hear?
/sighs as i bring my hands up, long fingers curling over your own to pry your hands off of my clothes and i just look at you, holding your hands in my own
/for a moment it may seem like im not going to tell you anything, but those eyes of mine you once adored shift from the emptiness they've been for so long to something else, though its unclear if its hate for myself or hate for our past that takes over my emotions
i wanted you
in that moment i decided i didnt want to let you go, selfishly i chose to keep you by me
what guarantee was there that /we/ could escape? none
and if i couldnt escape with you...
/shrugs, my answer is simple enough, i had my reason and more importantly-- i didnt want you going into the world alone, but i decide thats not the part of the answer i want to give
/because its true, you were set and destined to get out of there, but i refused to let you go because i didnt want to be alone, or maybe something worse-- i didnt want to see you free while i was held back, even if i had my own plans of getting out
what?
you dont like what your /hyung/ had to say?
you wanted honesty, and now you've got it
/it hurts but i let you go, slipping my hands away from yours because its easier even if it does hurt, but there's no apology-- i know i would do the exact same thing if given the chance
/if anything, the only thing im sorry for is that i pulled away from you after you lashed out at me, i didnt confess how... scared i was to let you go in case i wasnt able to get out with you, i let that wedge form between us and i never did anything to fix it
/but i say none of this, perhaps it would shed some light on the situation but no, i keep my mouth shut, if anything just letting out a short laugh and looking away from you now

@p. chanyeol you don't know what i want at all, idiot
/snaps at you when you keep on yammering on like you are, narrowing my eyes at you again before i feel your words strike another chord in me
/is this proof i'm not entirely lost? to you i'm a lost cause i realise that now, but its your fault entirely i'm like this at all, you're so selfish even now
so that's it? you accept its your fault but you're not going to do anything else about it?
/asks and i sound almost desperate as i do so, i feel as if i'm the only one clinging to this, trying to make it work, you don't care, you've given up
what do i want? from you?
/repeats because how could you not know by now? surely you're messing with me, pushing me so i'll reach breaking point even sooner
how's about a ing apology?
or an explanation for why you did to me what you did???
/throws my hands out, holding them up after as if an answer is going to fall into my palms, but we both know that's not true
you never explained to me
never even tried
/adds on with such disdain in my voice it must be hard for even you to stomach, hearing how your once best friend holds such venom for you
well?
what did i do to deserve you turning on me like that? why did you pick him over me?
/insists as i step closer, giving your chest a shove before i follow in once again, curling my fingers into your shirt and pulling on the fabric
tell me! t-talk to me, /hyung/--

@k. jongin what, do you want me to call you by that instead?
no, you dont want me to call you at all
/tuts under my breath while im looking at you, almost like im disgusted but its not directed at you, it may seem like it and sure that's my fault, but do you realize how much i blame myself?
/but i say nothing more for right now, i let you scream at me because it seems like you're going to regardless, i just accept my fate and the words i know i deserve
/pausing when you teleport in front of me, i expected as much and i slide my gaze up along your body to hold your own, though there's still emptiness in me right now
what would be the point, hm?
what's the point in trying to fix something that doesnt want to be fixed? that cant be?
i cant /do/ anything but keep you from falling back into /their/ hands so im trying my damn hardest to do just that
/my teeth grit as i fire back my words at you, you're saying things i know, things i've accepted, things i believe i cant change no matter what i try
/there's a moment, a brief moment, where it looks like i might crumble, in that second i feel every emotion i've pushed aside for years, but its all gone with a short breath leaving my lips as i hold your gaze
you deserve more than i could ever give you
i will always fall short after the mess i made, i will /always/ be at fault
/my own voice dips to something you know much better, soft and sweet and apologetic, pursing my lips as i take a half step back from you, though i make no further movements away
what do /you/ want from me?

@p. chanyeol no one ever called me 'queenie' - you know what the full name was
/queenie was always something to get under my skin and irritate me, something you seem to be so good at as well, even now when you seem dead inside
/the way you talk to me like i'm a child pisses me off, you don't understand why i'm doing what i do and its like you're robbing me of more than you already did
can you blame me for being unsure? you've never taken to clearing up this mess you made
/speaking of myself as said mess leaves a sour taste in my mouth as i look at you, how much more will you rob me of until you're done?
and whose fault is it we became strangers? whose fault is it we're still here!
/screams the question at this point, but you've let go of me and you're walking off, leaving me /again/ and it strikes a foul, deep chord in me
/it makes me teleport again, once more appearing in front of you and putting my hand to your chest, stopping you from advancing any further
none of what you said makes sense, none of it
so don't you dump that piss poor excuse of a conversation at my feet and walk away, you
/tears sting those odd coloured eyes of mine, mismatched and as much a product of the things i've been through, no longer that warm shade of brown when i was a boy - can you remember it anymore?
i am a being of your creation, not theirs. they podded and poked, 'it' touched me but it was /you/ who made me in the end
do you hear me?
and now you'll leave pretending to having been doing me a favour and with no answer still, no explanation
/pulling my hand back from your chest i let it drop to my side, my voice dropping and its still soft, even after all this time, through all of it, its still the same soft speech
what do you think i deserve from you?
...it mustn't be very much

@k. jongin its only fair
you use a name i dont go by anymore, i'll use one that pisses you off
ah, i forgot-- you dont like fair games
/rolls my eyes to make my point, lifting a hand to gesture from where you came from-- those men never had a chance, and while i dont exactly think you're wrong for what you did, there's more to it than just killing them all
/a short little scoff leaves my lips too, glancing away from you because honestly this, this is all so funny to me, your way of thinking and your determination
yeah, your inside job will get you nowhere
first of all, you cant be caught and brought back if you kill everyone who gets within arm's reach of you
second, all you're going to do even if you get caught is just kill them
you dont think of plans, you just act, and its sloppy
/shakes my head as i get snippy with you in return, not backing down from you because when have i? i doubt i ever will honestly and i know you hate it
/to me, you cant see the bigger picture, you cant see the importance of the moment, the struggle, the consequences of your choices and what will happen miles down the road
im not scared, im just not blind and reckless
take a look in the mirror next time
/when you start to add fire to your words, declaring my status of hyung long gone, i just shrug-- i never thought i was good enough to be looked up to anyway
/holding your gaze while you seem to taunt me, my eyes follow your movements, raising a brow when all of a sudden you're gone from in front of me, prepared for it and sure enough you pop up behind me
/your whisper has me shuddering lightly, not because im scared but just from how close you are, and all at once i whip around, fingers sealing around your wrist
you dont know how i look at you, so dont /you/ start pointing fingers
dont you think i know i created this mess?
all you know about me is the coward from before, who stands before you now-- you know nothing else, not anymore
so dont act like you do
/with a snap of my wrist i release you and turn to begin walking away, hands shoved into my pockets once more and i half expect you to come storming after me-- or appearing in front of me, with words to say... or you'll do nothing at all
im not cleaning up after your sorry anymore
you may not have asked for it, but i was doing it to keep you from making a mistake like i did
/for a moment i pause, halting my steps even before i laugh deeply to myself, i must sound like an idiot but i dont care, i pause to speak before shrugging and heading on my way
boo... you're becoming just like your hyung

@p. chanyeol don't call me by that stupid nickname. do you hear me?
/asks as i look at you, narrowing my eyes before you're giving me that empty grin, my face morphing into a scowl because i hate seeing it
yes, actually
that's exactly it. let me be caught and taken back into the centre. see what i do to them then when i'm on the inside
/corrects and confirms for you why i'm being the way i am, i'll continue doing as much too, showing it to you as i have nothing to hide
i never asked you to do any of that
you're the one who's interfering. why don't you go take your group and piss off? leave the rest of us to do what has to be done
what you're too scared to do
/honestly i doubt its a matter of fear and rather you just not having the energy to be associated with this anymore, that's all
/but that hurts me too because you're the one who got us into this mess, and yet you're not doing anything to exact even revenge for us
don't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me and you lost your status of a hyung i was devoted to a /long/ time ago
/spits the words at you, venom seeping into my tone as i glare you down, clearly in no position to budge and i won't, not for you, not for anyone
what's wrong? you don't like what i've become?
/asks as i take a step closer, there's still a lot of space between us and i don't look to be ready to leave just yet, i'm not done with you
that's a little mean, considering you had a hand in doing this. all of it
/gestures to myself when i unfurl my arms, disappearing in front of you with a plume of black smoke, another one appearing behind you with me whispering by your ear
so don't you dare look at me like that

@k. jongin /i've seen everything, not just in this moment but in every single one before, always keeping tabs on you and everything you do
/and what do i do? i pick up the pieces, i sweep everything under the rug, its not my job and its definitely not something you would ever ask of me, but here i am, doing it anyway
/i've done it before and i'll do it again, and again, and again-- you're slacking, or maybe you're purposefully not doing anything to cover your tracks
insane
/whispers the word as i watch the first man fall, you with him, and then i dont watch any further, looking away and staying that way until you're finished
/for a man not associated with stealth, i've gotten very good at making myself nearly invisible, perhaps the only one of the dragons who can keep quiet and still long enough, but that's where we're similar, isnt it? how we used to connect
/hidden in the shadows for now, i know you'll notice me this time around and i dont mind, its planned instead and im rather glad when you realize that im there, watching you
/sighing when you call me out and spin to face directly where i am, i wait until you're settled before i take the first step out of the shadows, still lingering there with some cast over my face
is that how we're greeting each other then?
come now queenie, you know better than to taunt me
/there's a wide grin that lifts my features but there is no joy, no spark, there's nothing left of the me you used to know, i hardly even know myself now
/but that smile drops soon, and i end up tucking both hands into my pockets and tilting my head to look at you again, sighing as i give a small shrug of both shoulders
what is this?
you're getting messy, leaving trails behind, you're not even trying to lay low anymore
you're really out here trying to get caught?
/as i speak im slowly putting together that there's more to this, that you're definitely up to something in particular, but i dont let on that im suspicious of you, instead just carrying on
i keep picking up your trail, but there's only so much more im going to do
so im going to need you to knock it off, m'kay?
/raising a brow, i dont make any move to come closer to you, bending at the waist to be at a slight angle and i know you're not going to like what i said, but i dont back down from it
/if anything i take the second to look over you, its my first time seeing you up close in a long time, it feels like im looking at someone i dont know-- though that's what it felt like even before we separated for good

@p. chanyeol < tw: depictions of murder and violence ahead >

/crouched over the edge of the building's roof, my outline is silhouetted in the light of the moon, waning as it is behind me, like it doesn't want to be privy to what i'm about to do
/i've been listening in on the conversation that's strung between the scientists inside, if that's what you can call them, devils in lab coats more like
/i'm angered to find plans of bringing in more people who used to be like us, more tests, more probing, more cruelty for no good reason other than making weapons of people
/tilting my head as i hear questions about our respective teams and whether they're still pushing to recapture us, i can't help but snort softly when i hear them say they're trying - and failing
/then comes the whispered conversation about the labs that have been infiltrated, bases pilfered, a cookie crumb trail of corpses left behind and they all know who's doing it
/they don't seem to think they deserve it though and that's what ticks me off, its what drives the spree of chaos i go on tonight
/its terrifying for them and that's the point, the lights going out as i start my attack, moving among shadows but letting them see me coming
/on top of that i make sure they always see my face before i end them, grabbing each one individually and teleporting them hiiiigh into the sky with me
/i enjoy the panic i see setting in before i let go of them, plummeting with them for a time before i smirk and teleport away just before they make contact
/the others begin screaming as they see the bodies dropping from such great heights, flailing helplessly and left like nothing but puddles of broken bones and liquidised flesh
/by the time i'm done i've left much carnage behind, passing through no man's land as i left behind the sound of one survivor screaming, not for help - just for the loss of their own mind at seeing such things
/sighing softly i stretch my arms above my head and groan, stopping as i take a moment to myself before turning my head to look back over my shoulder
i know you're there
/announces though you've been quiet, i'm the leader of the tigers for a reason, so i turn to face you directly in case you're considering thinking i'm bluffing
come out, come out, cheshire
/uses your old field name, my mismatched coloured eyes focusing on you through the darkness, one arm draped loosely over my waist and the other lifting my hand to my mouth, brushing my teeth over my knuckles