✮⋆ sanctuary

I wish I could go to sleep so that my brain stops working.

I knew being awake at this time would only result in me feeling like I'm falling apart.

thinking about it makes me sick and makes me want to cry. I feel like I am constantly crying and emotional, even when I am supposed to be happy. It's so hard to be. I can't do it all on my own. But I don't have anyone to help me, to ease it. And those that I thought would help ease the pain only say its better I feel this way, that I would have to figure it out one day and its hard. It's hard doign it on my own. It's hard being caught up in my own thoughts all the time when they're so noisy, so loud.. and i have nothing to silence them.

Every day I feel more and more alone. I thought being busy would help that, but the moment I am not it feels worse. Like there is nobody who genuinely worries or cares that I exist. That I am just given a smile and am acknowledged merely as a courtesy, not because they genuinely want to. But because I just happen to be there

I thought, being home and back to a familiar space would make everything better. But I feel all the more alone here.

I miss him a lot today

If my family threatens my cat again I am going to genuinely lose it. She is my emotional support and knows to hold my when im upset. And to get mad because I went into a full blown panic attack over it for an hour over is not ing it.

Any moment I think I'm happy something s it up whether it's because of myself or because of some ed up like this. I can't take it anymore. Leave me alone.

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It hurts so much today.

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Tomorrow would've been 4 months...that's depressing lol