It looks like the end has come. The title does not lie, and I know everybody deserves an explanation (especially since I had been on an adding spree here in RPR to add the people I have interacted with here). I am willing to give it through this. Please, please, please, bear with me and these blocks of text. If you wouldn't want to read through everything, it's okay, I completely understand and I wouldn't want to waste your precious time. But if you choose to read through this, I appreciate it greatly, and I thank you so much.
I will be putting markers on the parts of this announcement, which are: the reason why I am retiring, what people can expect from this account, where I can be found off-RPR, and thank-you messages for specific groups of people and/or specific people that had been a huge part of my RPR (and effectively, roleplaying in general) journey.
Let's start, yeah? :)
1. WHY I AM RETIRING
Even before my first foray into roleplaying through RPR in 2012, fiction writing, character creation and story-weaving has been a big part of me - including how I deal with life's challenges. Roleplaying strengthened that coping mechanism as my characters also became my outlets for my stresses. However, there is only so much that imagination can do: I've noticed that through the years, the characters I have been making became more and more of self-inserts. While I hope they are unique as characters, I have been tying these characters way too much to my own day-to-day that it became hard for me to separate in-roleplay and real-life issues. Battles with my depressive tendencies and many insecurities easily spilled over into my characters, including my loss of love for living at times. It also affected how I interacted with others out-of-character. I was easily emotional, almost always on edge, and very polarized: I either get attached too much or too little to roleplay groups, I either become too enthusiastic or have no desire to roleplay unless spoken to. Moreover, connections I make in roleplay become too important to me that sometimes, I would find myself trading roleplay events for family matters, etc.
It became unhealthy for me, and the way roleplaying became my world needed to stop. So I did for a few times. I had gap months or a year in roleplaying here in RPR, as well as roleplaying in general, only coming back to try again when I felt like I could handle things better. The first few gaps were extremely difficult but eventually, I learned how to distinctly function between writing/roleplay and real life. So, the last two returns seem to be the most promising: I was part of Rising Star Entertainment (entertainment AU) in one gap, then Flavors of Youth (university AU) more recently - playing Kang Seulgi in both.
I felt myself getting better emotionally, but then I started having schedule issues because of real-life matters. And while I could still write sometimes, I couldn't handle being in group roleplays anymore because I couldn't be constantly active. I won't be able to keep up with points and activity checks. Worse, when my depressive tendencies kick up into high gear, even writing itself becomes extremely hard. That's why I'm retiring now, because I will be busy establishing my career starting this year (which might be either in the Middle East or Australia), meaning I might be jumping between countries and solidly working for a long while. The most I could do are the rare one-on-one roleplays, and even then I might not be able to handle more than two plots. People do not deserve to be left hanging when real life gets in the way of writing/roleplaying, so I felt that this is the best path to take.
2. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR MY/THIS ACCOUNT
As soon as this announcement is posted, I will no longer be joining group roleplays in Roleplay Republic. However, I am a very memory-driven (or you can say nostalgic) person, so I occasionally log in to casually re-read through my past threads and surviving transcripts of roleplays. I treat each idea put out there as a great memory - no matter how far back in the past it was, and even if the writing or literary flow was still unrefined back then. If the idea and the memory behind the thread is special enough to my heart, it becomes a part of my handwritten journal somehow - because I sometimes write down my recollections and feelings as short stories or scenarios. I know, I am weird like that ahahaha.
I am keeping this account and not deactivating it for the friends and acquaintances I made here to still be able to somehow reach me, even if I only would be logging in for nostalgia and the occasional online talk. So, if you catch me online here, please don't hesitate to leave an account PM - because you seeing me around most probably means I am looking back on my memories here, and that I miss being around here and would love to talk to you once in a while.
While it is still unlikely, when time and life permits me to have more free time, I will do my best to come back to community/group roleplays. So the goodbye, hopefully, is only for the time being.
3. WHERE TO FIND ME OUTSIDE RPR
I can be reached through AFF, Line, and Kakaotalk - all under the username @sonicapocalypse. If you ever wish to talk to me on these sites/platforms, just send me a message letting me know if we have met in a group roleplay, had a PM roleplay thread, or simply just chatted here in RPR. And if you have any desire to write something with me (even though it's unlikely at this point hahaha) then let me know also. I definitely wouldn't mind staying in touch!
4. MESSAGES OF THANKS
Firstly, thank you for reading this. With the breaks I took from this site, and from roleplaying in general, I might not have been the most memorable name or entity here. But thank you because you took the time to read through my words in this announcement. It means a lot to me, just like how RPR meant a lot to me. This site was where I started roleplaying, and where effectively I finish rolelaying, since I have already stopped roleplaying in other platforms even before I came back to roleplay in RPR for the last time. I hope that we can have the time and ways to talk to each other, even when I am no longer in here.
If you have been an acquaintance or friend of mine here in RPR from 2012-2018, I am glad we shared something throughout my 6 years in this place. I am grateful for having met you in any way or form, and should I forget how we met, I am still grateful that you allowed me to create something with you - even if it's just plotting or an unfinished thread. You have been a part of how my writing developed and evolved, no matter how short a time, and that is as lasting an effect as any. I am grateful to you for having been a part of my roleplaying journey and how I learned about myself along the way - and always will all my life.
If you have been an admin of any roleplay I joined, I am grateful for how you made and/or kept running a community I enjoyed being part of. May it be as:
> Meng Jia and Ailee of Magik Reign (fairytail!au),
> Ailee and Suho of Romantic Street (matchmaking!au)
> Ailee of The Walking Dead Roleplay (TWD!au)
> Ailee, daughter of Nemesis of Camp Half Blood (PJO!au)
> Ailee of An Uncommon Life for a Common Person (city!au)
> Ailee of Seshual Club of Seshuality (city!au)
> Ailee of Academy Millenia (uni!au)
> Kwon Sujeong and Zhang Yixing of Rebel University (university!au)
> Kwon Sujeong / Song Jinhee of 1004 Entertainment (entertainment!au)
> Kwon Sujeong of New World Entertainment (entertainment!au)
> Zhang Yixing of A Royal Wave (royal!au)
> Zhang Yixing of Dream Roleplay (city!au)
> Myungsoo/L of Lovers Services (boyfriend-for-hire!au)
> Kim Jongin of Apartments (cannot remember the full name now) (apartments!au)
> Seulgi of Code 472 (mutant/infection!au)
> Joy of The Things of Nightmares (multi-au horror)
> Seulgi of Rising Star Roleplay (entertainment!au)
> Seulgi of Flavors of Youth Roleplay (uni!au)
> and of so many more muses I donned and communities I managed to join and be a part of!
... I have enjoyed every single moment in the community and world that you took time to create, build up, and kept running. Please continue making welcoming and safe spaces for people's creativity to flow. You are definitely appreciated, so keep creating. I believe in you, even from afar. :) Maybe one day, if ever I find myself returning to a community roleplaying setting, I would love to join your world and community once again.
If you have been someone I did PM roleplay with, thank you so much for even choosing to roleplay with me. You have trusted me with your time as a partner, and for that I will always be grateful. If I had also ghosted you in replies at any point in time, I am very very sorry and I will no longer tell you the reasons, because it would just seem like an excuse. Just know that if I could rewind time to properly roleplay with you, I would. Nevertheless, granted what had happened, I am still thankful that you shared your writing with me. I hope for the best in your life, and if time ever allows, I would like to properly roleplay with you again.
And to the special people in Flavors of Youth (which honestly means all of you there HAHAHA), thank you for being your awesome selves. The more I think about my time there - especially when I was away from RPR and internet during the Christmas season - the more I feel thankful that it's you guys who I got to roleplay with for the last time. You all have proven to me that going back to Roleplay Republic for my last hoorah was the best decision I could ever make. Please tag me along still when you guys have your rabb.it sessions, though! At least even just there, for no matter how short a time, I can still feel like I'm a part of something amazing. The time was still way too short for me to fully hang out with all of you in-character, but I think that's the beauty of it. The fact that things can't last forever, even if we want them to, means that we can appreciate everything that we are given an any point. And I am going to forever be grateful that you guys were so nice to me. I am going to admit it here, just for fun: I actually had semi-in-character crushes toward Yifan, Kai, Hoshi, Jin, Avsha, Lisa, Arianna, and Sehun while I was there... and I posted 2 general confessions in the confessions padlet - one about dreams and the other about leaving others. Seulgi's secret is also that she orchestrated the killing of her twin sister. So, there. HAHAHAHA. Thank you so much because all of you have made yourselves near and dear to my heart. And should this year prove to have a season where I can still end up writing again, I will do my best to come out of retirement, just for you. You guys rock, and I love all of you. <3
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