I miss him more than I can even describe.

Long rant + some words on Robert. Might be upsetting to you. I needed to get it out.

Oh Robert....

I roleplayed with you for so long without ever sending you a friend request, or asking your name. It was just Mir and Sammy. Brothers. An adorable relationship full of love, and protection. It was family even before you became my friend.

We live in a generation where we are constantly told how the internet does nothing good. It rots our brains, destroys our grades, ruins lives. In an age like this, how can we expect anyone to understand? This boy, this wonderful, sweet boy who I have never met a day in my life and only seen a brief glimpse of in a timed selca on Kik...He changed my life. You see, our parents never had the internet. No one excet our generation has. They haven't seen the effects so they can't predict the effects; But look at us. We have single handedly, as one group, created a network that connects people from millions of miles, all over the world. We have created our own social contract. We have created our own world, our own culture, our own jokes. Of course it's pre mature now, but imagine how the effects will transfer into real life. The internet can ruin lives sure, but that's no different than anything else. I, in fact, can testify that the internet also saves lives. I have sat on Skype with a girl who held a gun to her head. I have reported suicide attempts through Tumblr. I have been apart of saving these lives, even if it was a small part.

And yet, life came and ripped him away from me. The one I needed. The one who didn't deserve it. The one ing person on this god damn site I couldn't help, or save. The one ing time I start to think, yeah, maybe things will really be alright....And they aren't.

I have lied about my internet friends. I would often say they lived here and then moved away. Otherwise, I received stinging judgmental looks or simple dismission in general. It makes me furious. It makes me want to break their ing noses. It makes me want to go into a fit of screaming and shouting, because how DARE they tell me how to feel? How DARE they tell me the other person isn't my friend? How dare THEY, people with no hand in the relationship, tell me that it isn't real?

So. I lie. 

But you know what? it all. No more lies. I never was within a hundred miles of Robert and he was my friend. He was family. That's all there is to it. Even when I was the whiniest god damn , he listened to me. He accepted me. He never judged me. He talked with me even when I was stumbling drunk, crying, defeated, and worthless. He is the reason I'm friends now with Stephi, who is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. 

Those of you who know me well know that I'm motherly. A lot of you do call me "Umma" or "Mommy CL" (If you knew me from Millennia). You know how I tend to stay calm and give advice, Mommy Michaela. Always the wise, kind one. Always perfect. Always so gentle, and collected no matter what.

Well that. ALL of that. I cried the entire way home last night after learning what happened. I cried all night and hid it in my blankets. I cried this morning when I woke up. I cried when I was driving the truck and trailer to my race today. I cried in between my runs, sitting in the trailer. I cried when I was in the warmup arena. I even cried a little when I was running 40 ing mph on the back of a thousand pound animal for the timers. I was in autopilot. I did my job but I never stopped thinking of him. On a normal day I would be messaging him, telling him how I did, sending selcas and pictures of Selena. But not today. I did not take a single picture. I did not message his Kik. I did not open RPR. I did not think of new plots, or ideas. I simply cried. When asked what was wrong, I sniffled out an explanation. No one asked how I knew him, they just said, "I'm sorry for your loss."

There were 137 girls at my race. 137 apologies. 137 people coming to send their condolences. They are also my family. Who I grew up with. Even I didn't know them, they overheard and offered condolences.

And yet, 137 of us could not say sorry enough times to bring him back.

I'm done being strong. I'm done being a mother. I'm done being the one who can't show emotion. Give the job to somebody else.

Robert, I'm so, so sorry. I know I didn't reply to you all the time. I know I whined a lot. I know I didn't always come in handy for advice. I know sometimes I would play Skyrim instead of replying to Sammy, or to Se7en, or Hyuna, or whoever else we were RPing with. I'm so sorry for all of that. I'm so sorry that I was a bad noona. When Stephi told me what happened, I thought the next day I would be Kik messaging you again. Teasing you about something. Sending you pictures to cheer you up. Telling some sort of hospital anesthetic joke or one of the stories from my time with broken ribs and a broken arm. I thought I'd smile, laugh a little, and tell you to toughen up because I'm a 110 lb little girl and I never whined so much. I thought we'd both laugh over that. I thought I'd send him videos of my runs from today and even though I know he didn't really care so much, he'd tell me good job and how pretty my horse was. Then we could talk about our biases and dramas and whatever else we wanted.

I was so ing stupid.

The last message I received from him was Friday, at 12:46am. "I'm sleepyyy."

I was asleep. I woke up, did my chores, and replied at 9:33am. "Lol I fell asleep before you replied."

I messaged him again a few hours later. There was no reply. That was no unusual for that time of day. He was generally busy and would reply later.

Stephi messaged me at 11:37pm that night. She told me Robert was in an accident.

I told her everything would be okay.

I asked if Brittney and I could send him something. A teddy bear and a card. Anything. 

We went to bed soon after. It was late. So late. I had to work the next day.

I was sitting in a friend's house eating pizza when she messaged me again.

He didn't make it.

I don't know how long I stared at that message. I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking I read it wrong. That it was a sick joke that I'd be mad over later. That Robert was going to Kik message me a few minutes later and say, "Just kidding, I can't believe you fell for that noona." and I'd be so angry that I'd yell and pout and ignore him for a few hours before going back and talking about something mindless.

But as you know, that didn't happen.

Robert was wonderful beyond words and he inspired me. He was kind to me. He was so ing young. And yet here I am, typing up a long jumbled mess through tears about him being gone.

I can't accept it. I won't. I know he's still here watching me. He's probably laughing at me, crying, and thinking "Oh, if only she knew, I'm still here. She just can't see me."

So. Yeah. He's not gone. He'll never be gone. We'll remember him forever, even those of us who have never seen his face and never heard his voice. It doesn't matter; In our society, we don't need that. We knew a side of him even his family didn't know, I bet. I think our internet family all gets that side of each other. It's not on purpose, it's just as it is.

I am here for all of you. Kik is CoordiLeana, as is Snapchat and Instagram. I will answer your phone calls if you want me number. I will facebook and tinychat. This is hard for all of us; We need to be together to support each other. He would want us to be strong, so once this shock fades, damn right that's what we're gonna be. No excuses.

I love you Robert...Wait for me, arasso?