I work for a living.
I pay bills.
I am not going to school in favor of keeping another living being alive, and not adding the strain to my family.
My parents are seperated and my dad is now in the process of ruining whatever scrap of sanity I had left.
I have a newborn half sister that my dad won't acknowledge and I'm too scared to go see.
I probably ed up my one big opportunity in my job to really do great things and it's killing me inside.
I'm throwing away all my money for selfish reasons like the ing kpop festival, which doesn't even have a benefit to my career like the horse shows do.
I'm a public speaker/debater with an 86% win record, high ranking state points, flawless district record, only triple state qualifier in the southern district...And I can't even talk on the phone without having a breakdown after I hang up.
I am a coach and judge of two debate teams and a horse riding instructor. This is the only time I ever feel like I'm doing anything right.
My last two years of high school I did nothing but cry, procrastinate, cry more, and throw my future away.
Little did I know, my future didn't involve school. It didn't matter anyway.
My entire life is balanced out by a horse, and I can in no way articulate how much she means to me, but nobody seems to understand that without her I would have overdosed and been dead by now. That is why I talk about her all the time; She is my life and the reason I am alive now.
I have lost more people to death this year than I can even list. People who were better for the world than me. Why did they have to die? Why couldn't it have been me instead?
At the same time I have experienced so many new, wonderful things. Why is it so hard to focus on those? Why is the bad stuff always overshadowing it? I won a lot of money competing this year. I crossed a run off my bucket list. I ran my horse at the track. I went to a music festival. One of the kids I coach beat me at our season finals, one of the proudest moments of my life. I go to work every day and do what I love. Sure it's hard, but I don't ever wake up and regret what my job is. I only regret what I am.
I'm just a stupid kid. I know I'm just a stupid kid. I don't want to be told I am, and then treated like a stupid kid.
Doesn't everybody go through this? That time when you're young and unsure? Why must I be looked down upon?
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