⁎ cafeteria

@jungkook j ⁴ it- it's not like something you can casually say, though. i don't know how they'd grow to know it because there's never a reason for them to know anything that.. personal. i- yeah. fair. although it has been a fair amount of time.. months, already.. that- yeah. doesn't really seem straight or even at all. i- i don't even know what role even is /me/ anymore, really. i always lived according to other's standards so who knows if what i was before is even me.. but i guess that's what i need find then, right? i guess so. it just hurts so much when it happens. i don't want to begin to open up and believe someone cares for me and we have some decent relationship and then have something trivial make them hate me. not again. just because you say for me not to hate myself doesn't mean it'll ever.. happen, you know? i- kinda have lived with that the longest time. probably why i prefer living more for others than myself. i- i guess it is, although it's really just because of.. reaching some sort of breaking point. oh-- younger brother..? me? really? do they really..? i- i never really see that in people here. if so it's always because someone provoked them, but.. never seen someone really just be genuinely angry by themselves. oh- that seems a little naive to believe, but.. i guess that's fair. don't know about the giving more credit part though.

@minhee k ¹ i bet it's weird, for sure. i feel like you should let people grow to know that side of you, no one would understand what that's like. to have everything you've ever wished for compared to nothing - it's a really big change, and no one would expect you to adapt so easily to it. figuring things out isn't always a straight and even slope. it's rocky, and bumpy, y'know? it's tough. i don't think you should play the role expected of you. i think you should play the role that is yourself, which everyone does around here. you don't have to be so tough. i think you should have faith in more people, allow yourself to get close to people and if you get hurt? then you get hurt, it happens. it always will, it always has. but you shouldn't hate yourself. it's possible. this -- motions between you and i with my spoon. is a big start. you're opening up, and talking to someone about how you feel. it might not feel big, but a lot of people don't have that strength within them. including myself, sometimes. i'd be affected because.. leans back within the chair, holding the pudding close to my chest. you're kind of like a younger brother (which i have two of, so i'm speaking on experience). you're stubborn, and have the ability to be obnoxious and stubborn and /mean/. but so does everyone else, sometimes. i like to believe there's good in everyone, and this is a prime example of that. you've gotta give yourself some more credit.

@jungkook j ⁴ i guess so, yeah.. kinda grew up with my whole life set out for me. like you need to do this and do that and no isn’t an answer, that sort of stuff. it’s.. different now, though. kind of went to suddenly having too much freedom in my hands from none, actually. despite that, though.. i’ve always been the type to give my everything to others. feels weird not doing that, even if it leaves me with barely anything for myself.. oh.. are you sure..? i- i remember seeing so many people be treated worse based off of one small difference. that.. happened to me too, actually. i feel like someone’s better off just playing the role expected of them instead.. and i - i don’t know if I have it in me. i don’t even know if i could do anything with a second chance, because i don’t even know how to change and how to act— but also, just.. i hate myself so much for this. for everything. and that makes it.. hard, to believe that i’d ever deserve it. y-you’d be affected..? but.. why? i- I’ve never done anything.. nice, to you. all i’ve done is be rude then burden you. probably would be easier if there were less people like me. is it really possible...? i don’t even know where to start with, though..

@minhee k ¹ yeah, really. i believe all of this roots from how you were raised - which i feel like you’d agree with. i don’t have much experience feeling that way, because i grew up more.. independently? but i feel like our upbringings are different. but listen — you haven’t done anything that’s /bad/, mate. sure, you’ve said some things that you might regret, but anybody would be just equally childish to not give you a second chance. it’s given to you so that you’re able to prove yourself to everyone. you’re not perfect, no one is. it’s completely fixable, but you have to find it within yourself to give yourself a second chance, as well. i don’t think anyone is holding grudges against you, and if it means anything, it’d affect me if you were to do something like that. it's not like you committed a crime, you said some things that you regret, and you have a chance to find yourself within the process. it’ll take time, but it’s possible. i promise.

@jungkook j ⁴ really..? tilts my head slightly, the spoon in my hand lightly hitting the still unopened pudding of mine. i- i guess so. it's just.. feels like it more now, because i just- i don't even know how to act now. i at least had some semblance of myself beforehand, knew how i'd react at this, where i stood on issues and similar things-- and now i just.. lost all of that. i deluded myself into this to the point that i just.. i don't even know how to go back. i- really..? i've never felt like i had any control. always felt like it was in the hands of someone else.. but that's probably better than it being in my control, looking at how dumb i am.. the thing is- i don't know where to go from now, i don't know how to fix all of this.. people hold grudges and are willing to get angry for the smallest thing, you know..? i don't think it's fixable. people are going to remember everything and think about it and despise me for it. it wouldn't fix any, but.. it'd at least cause them to be rid of. no more problems with no consequences. things would stop affecting me and nobody else would be affected either, really..

@minhee k ¹ it’s making sense. confirms with a nod, resting the spoon within my mouth as i blatantly stare at you. i think— and correct me if I’m wrong— sets the spoon within the pudding, raising one of my hands to thread through my hair. i feel like you were lost from the beginning, and this... ‘act,’ as you put it, hasn’t made it any easier for you. i could see that in you, because i see a lot of myself in you. you have control over your life, but it’ll bite you back in the if you handle it with false intentions. you’ve realized what you’ve done, you don’t like it — so where do you want to go from here? you’ve got chances to fix relationships around you, you’re so young. i think everybody would understand. you’re not a bad kid. have you made some mistakes? ...absolutely. but you’ve got time to fix them. i don’t think — personally — what you’re insinuating would fix any issues. you’ve just got things to figure you, and you have time.

@jungkook j ⁴ lightly taps on the table in front of me, my gaze landing anywhere but you at the moment, another sigh leaving me quietly. i.. guess there is time. i- i don't know if it even makes any sense, though.. bites down on my lips slightly, a soft sigh leaving me. that's.. part of it, yeah. i- i just.. can't go around trusting anyone, that's what i've seen- and i keep seeing that being all.. aggressive grants you some sort of power. i- i thought i could have some sort of control over my life if i acted like that but.. i just- i think i lost myself in it. not like i even got any proper control either-- i just.. i don't know anymore. why i'm doing what i'm doing.. i just feel like so useless and like i shouldn't even open my eyes ever again. it- it'd be better for everyone else that way. that's what i keep seeing.

@minhee k ¹ peels back the top to one of the puddings, raising the spoon to begin eating whilst keeping my attention rooted upon you. what act? rests an elbow upon the table in order to face you, brows knitting together slightly. there’s enough time, you know, if you’d like to add context. the act — is it being so distant, i guess? trying to keep people from getting close to you? i don’t think anyone hates you, hate is a /big/ word.

@jungkook j ⁴ oh- thanks. gazes over at you as you quickly take such actions, a soft sigh escaping my lips as i space out for a second until you speak again, making me alert once again, and i then sit down on the other seat. just.. things. i'm so sick of this act. even if i forced it on myself. but it's too late to just.. back out, even if i.. hate myself just like everyone else does in the process. that- probably doesn't even make sense. especially without context. probably just sound like a ing idiot making up stuff to you.

@minhee k ¹ you’ve gotta try the chocolate pudding. I’ll grab one for you, one sec. heads towards the counters to slip behind, opening a refrigerator to grab four. nudging it shut once more, i grab two plastic spoons before joining you once more, taking a seat at the closest table with a pat to the seat. what’s going on, mate?

@jungkook j ⁴ oh- really? i kind of just have whatever even if it tastes bad. didn't know that anything here tasted decent really- walks in with my head slightly lowered, taking multiple steps in before i turn to gaze over at you once again.

@minhee k ¹ here we go. I’d kill for a good chocolate pudding — our school may lack good food, but at least there’s good pudding. extends a hand outwards to open the door for you, giving the back of your shoulder a few light pats whilst following you in.

@jang wonyoung ¹ he follows your lead easily, gazing up at the dim lights for a few seconds before just looking straight ahead while walking along.
once you stop, he stands still and gazes around the area with a soft hum escaping his lips, a similarly bright smile appearing on his face when he notices yours.
yeah, sure! as i said, i'm just going to follow what you want.

ˢᵗᵉᵃˡˢ ᵃⁿ ᵒʳᵃⁿᵍᵉ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠʳᵘᶦᵗ ᵇᵒʷˡ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ ᵈᶦˢᵃᵖᵖᵉᵃʳᶦⁿᵍ ᶦⁿᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ˢʰᵃᵈᵒʷˢ

@yechan s ⁴ with her hands still placed on your back, wonyoung leads you into the cafeteria, though the lights are dim, probably to conserve more energy throughout the weekend. she finally comes to a stop, stepping past to observe the area. she turns around to face you, flashing you a bright smile.
and the fun begins! let’s head to the kitchen?

Jisoo looks around cautiously before running in to grab some snacks then runs back out frantically with an armful of hot cheeto bags and mini chocolate donuts.

Man whats that guys problem..
Grumbles to himself and gets a quick night snack.