❛ goodbye. ❜ — Jan14.

she would never forget how right this felt, to be in his arms and him in hers. how had two twenty something year olds who still were trying to figure out the world have found home in each other? aspen's heart found it in itself to begin to warm, the fire of what they felt for each other starting to seep through the cracks of ice. it wasn't as if she had suddenly begun to be cold but rather, she had willed herself to not feel so strong, the feelings dim but in that very moment, aspen knew she was going to be fine. she would have to. one of her hand slipped past his grasp, reaching up to cradle his face tenderly. "i know.. but i have to, silas. for myself," she chided slowly, begging in her tone. her thumb brushed over his cheekbone, memorizing his face with her sense of touch one last time. aspen willed every fiber of her body to know how he felt like, to keep it in the safe haven of her heart and throw the lock away. "you don't need me to say it.. you know i do." she soothed, dropping her hand from her face to hold his. "and i-", her lips parted to speak again, but the gentle february breeze that parted changed directions, picking up a sickly sweet odor on it's way. peaches. her hand flit to , holding back the bile that rose in as her stomach churned; god, she detested the smell of peaches.

when he felt her begin to kiss him back, a tiny glimmer of hope shone through the cracks of their crumbling kingdom. silas kissed her with everything he had: his unspoken pleas, his inexplicable love for the things she baked for him, but most of all, he kissed her as if this were their last goodbye. and for a moment--just for a moment, it seemed as though everything was falling into place right where they should be. they belonged together as silas and aspen, aspen and silas. like the setting sun to the horizon, like the singsong birds in the trees. oh.. but it was known that those things, too, parted from one another most dreadfully, just like their lips were doing now. and that relucent glimmer of hope he had dimmed once more. no. no! she was supposed to stay. frantically, he reached for one of her hands and held her open palm there with both of his hands against his chest above his heart where every strum of his heartbeat echoed her name and only hers. "please don't say goodbye.. i want you, i need you here with me, chérie. i.. i love you. tell me you love me too," he breathed as he stared deep into her eyes, searching for anything that would let him know she still waded in the same colorful ocean of redamancy as he did.

"even if you'll never speak to me again or look at me again or love me again." the irony that was this sentence. after tomorrow, she would not speak to him, nor look at him ever again. but love... yes, she wouldn't love him. but he was the air that she breathed, the joy of sharing poems of secret sonder together and more. by chiron's horse tail, he would always be more than the boy she loved. "i- i have to," she whispered, the flutter of her lash finally causing the tears to teeter dangerously over her tear duct. this was it, she would lose him forever now. she would have to let go; for his sake and more so, her own. "i can't be happy here anymore. or anywhere. but if i'm gone, maybe you will have a chance at being happy too and that's all i can g-" his mouth descended on hers at the same time her tears spilled over onto her cheeks. she tasted his lips, sweet just like she knew him to be but salty in the goodbye that hovered over them like a cloud of doom. aspen poured everything into the kiss, all the love she had and it was more than a kiss, one that would change things forever. it was every single well wish she had for him, every curse she wanted to yell. closing her eyes tight, she placed her hands on his chest, gently pushing him away. "adieux, silas."

he meant it. he meant every word that came out of his goddamn mouth. before, he had lied to her. about not wanting a future with her. about not knowing what he wanted. but the truth was that he wanted her. her smiles, her laughter, her tears, her silliness and seriousness. her blushing cheeks. all of her. today. tomorrow. next week. next month. next year. for 's sake, he wanted her in his life forever, and it took the word of her leaving for his heart to shake himself from his stupor. silas stared down into her earthy, tear-brimmed eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to kiss those teardrops away the moment they'd trickled down. "i mean it. even if you'll never speak to me again or look at me again or love me again, i don't want you to go away from here.." his words were but a aching whisper, a soft plea as his once unyielding eyes welled with tears. for the first time, he allowed his pain to surface and for the first time, the fear of actually losing her scared him to death. when had he become so selfish? he was begging for her not to go. why couldn't she see? "how are you going to leave us behind? if you won't stay for me, then stay for the house elves. stay here and be happy, so i can be selfish and want you after you've long forgotten me." his lower lip quivered. he was trembling now, afraid that she was slipping away. that even if she was so close to him, she'd vanish into thin air at any given moment. before he could register what he was doing, his palm pressed against her flushed cheek, thumb brushing over her baby-soft skin like the time in the kitchen when he first touched her unexpectedly---but this time, he leaned in and kissed her first.

he closed the distance between them, leaving just an inch away from their bodies. If Aspen leaned in further, she would be in his embrace again... and everything would be just right in the world. but she couldn’t do that, not now, not ever. so she made do with being able to feel his warmth one last time from where she stood, gaze boring into his own despite being filled to the brim with tears. “you don’t mean that, Silas.” she murmured, refusing to believe he even wanted to do anything with her— he’d explicitly said he didn’t want his future alongside hers. So why now? selfishly so. “Why do you want me to stay? We’re nothing anymore. Me staying will only hurt us more. Silas, please understand that I need to go.” The treacherous bastard that was her heart was screaming, wailing out of the pure pain that was heartbreak. Still, Aspen didn’t have the courage to listen to it. Not anymore. For the first time ever, she wanted to run away and maybe this is exactly what she was doing. From magic, from her family.. from him. “It is very selfish of you, yes. But it’s my time to be selfish now too. Can I bid you goodbye?”

"because you matter to me, aspen." they were like fire and fire, both flames feeding the other, inciting both destruction and passion with their words. finally, his dark eyes found hers, stayed steady with hers as his feet took the liberty to close the short distance between their bodies. "no," he muttered in a sharp breath. a familiar acrasia slowly seethed through his features, jaw tightening as his breaths heavied from the emotions that brimmed within him. he was not angry at her. for the love of galloping gorgons, no. he was angry at himself, furious that he was the way he was. so incomplete and flawed for someone as benevolent as she. yet he wanted her so selfishly, disdainfully. "no, that's not what i want. what i want, is for you to be here. i want you to stay here with me. i don't want you to go where i can't see you." as terrified as he was, saying exactly what weighed on his heart, he spoke without tremor in his voice. for even if she no longer wanted anything to do with him, he wouldn't stop loving her. not even if the devil himself rose up from the depths of hells to set the world on fire and command him to give her up. not even if someone held a wand to him and threatened to erase every beloved memory he had of her, of them together. he knew his heart would still love her, even if her face was no longer a vivid canvas in his mind. "maybe that's selfish of me, but i don't give a flying . i want you here with me, aspen beaumont."

Ask me why I’m leaving, ask me about my week and ask me what you can do to make it better, she thought to herself— the urge to go ahead and embrace him, to reassure him that they are fine or would be, and that she loved him surged through her once more. And Aspen found herself standing back on the balls of her feet, tethering herself to the spot as if an anchor. The sun cast a halo around her love’s frame, shadowing him in its light and somehow the picture was serene in its depression, just like how her heart was. Maybe she had cried too much, that at that very moment she had nothing but numbness to give. her tongue swiped out to lave at her bottom lip, wetting the parched flesh before she could speak again. “there’s no ‘but’, Silas.” Her tone was quiet, that of a coward’s. She’d ever do boldly proclaimed his love for him, as if she stood at the top of a mountain and screamed it so the world could know. but here she was, mousy. “Why does it matter no? I am leaving, and we don’t have to see other again. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

he finally lifted his head, meeting her eyes for a moment before they averted elsewhere. of course. she was right. "you're right.. i don't—you don't have to explain. i'm sorry," he apologized, his always stoic face now unable to hide the suffering he felt inside. his eyes were filled with a shade of blue that spoke of hopelessness and regret, and silas couldn't bear to look into aspen's eyes so boldly as though he was detached. she didn't have to tell him why she was going. he didn't have a right to know or ask. he was the one who wanted to end things, so why was he so keen on knowing her reasons? maybe she had finally let him go, moved on from him--as quick as it was. for her to have a better future, maybe her leaving was what would give her that future. that was what he wanted for her. he couldn't go and mess it all up now by letting himself go to her, by saying all the things he'd been longing to say. the words he get barred up in his chest with so much restraint that it felt as though one day, some day it would all come pouring out, swallowing his sanity whole like a flood. he knew better than to cross the line. his mind knew better than to cross the line. "but." but his heart had always been the rebel it was when it came to her. no matter how many times he tried to get his heart to listen to his mind, it never worked. it turned away and refused to be held down by laws and rules alike. "but you're leaving tomorrow, aspen. if it's because of me, because i said we can't be together, how am i supposed to just accept you leaving when i know it was because of me?"

for a quick moment, between the span of a breath to the next, aspen contemplated staying. but just as soon as the idea posed, bile rose from her stomach, threatening to overrun. clearing , in an attempt to push it down, she raised her head, finally able to look at him. Hellfire on Olympus, he was gorgeous; she’d always said he rivaled the statues of angels that littered the muggle city of the Vatican and so forth, but at that very moment, he looked like his entire world had come crashing down. A god who mourned. And her heart broke furthermore. “tomorrow,” she affirmed, speaking it into existence. her hands flit out of her pocket, fingers finding each other and unconsciously, the pad of her thumb found her ring finger, tracing the thin red line over it. what was the point, when their red string of fate had been cut? taking a deep breath, albeit on a trembling gasp, she shook her head. “I don’t think I should explain.. I’m sorry.”

for a moment, everything around him disappeared, faded into the background as his focus was solely hers. he was at the edge of his seat, anticipating, waiting for her to say the word. no. no. no. no. she wasn't leaving. she couldn't be. it wasn't true. oh, but it was. his eyes closed, dark brows knitting together in defeat, in anguish. he didn't want to believe it. he refused to. this is a dream, and you need to wake up, silas. but when was the last time he slept long enough to dream? he couldn't remember. "tomorrow," he whispered, almost a question, but it was more as though he were wishing tomorrow away so that it never came. they had less than a day left. and yet they stood facing each other like this, apart as if she weren't his sun and he, her moon. as if the red string that inked both of their fingers was nothing but an invisible thread that meant nothing, even though it meant everything. "why," he said quietly at first, his face falling to the floor, eyes still closed. no longer able to look at aspen as she did. "why?" the question sounded louder from his chest. "why are you leaving from here? is it because of me?"

don’t say my name, don’t talk to me, don’t come so close, she wanted to scream at him. don’t pretend as if you feel anything too. she wanted to yell. but maybe, in that fraction of a moment, he knew at least an ounce of the pain she went through. aspen wanted to tell him about what her entire month was like, about how she was leaving not for him but for herself, about her family and more importantly, how she loved him still with her very soul. but the words died on her tongue, merely an inaudible whimper. so he’d heard. and it was like their kingdom came crashing down again. She nodded. “Yes..” the murmur was shaky, small and mousy— by dear Hestia, she was actually leaving. “Tomorrow.” It felt too soon. And just yesterday, she was wishing the day was sooner. Oh, the irony.

"no. no, you're not impo--you don't have to go, aspen. i--" he stepped closer to her. one step, then two, his voice growing quiet as their proximity brought her flushed cheeks into his view. those flushed cheeks he longed to reach out to hold, to soothe with pillow-soft kisses, to brush away the sorrow that tainted their innocence. those cheeks that no laws in love would allow for him to witness from a close distance ever again. she refused to look at him again, just like their accidental encounter in the kitchen. aspen's head never lifted once to see the pain in his eyes. maybe if she did, she'd see right through him like all the other times before. it was clear that he longed for her in the way he looked upon her as though she were the only one for him. because she was. in the same way elizabeth was to darcy, aphrodite to ares. she held his heart in her hands, and she barely knew it. "i wanted to ask you something because i heard it from Kaladin, but i want to hear it directly from you." his hands fell to his side as he watched her in her sad little bubble. would he believe it even if she said it from her own mouth? "is it.. is it true that you're leaving hogwarts?"

her entire existence began to itch, to go ahead and tackle him to the ground and latch on so that she never let go. she hated how easily her resolution fell when it came to him but by now, it was too late. she couldn't be the aspen he knew. or maybe even loved. he didn't love her. her gaze fell from his visage, finding the toes of her boots with confidence that she could speak to him without meeting his gaze. for it was his eyes she was most scared of; she knew, just like he would, that if he stared at her, he would see how much she still stupidly yearned for him, despite the sadness that washed over in waves of immense sorrow. sniffling, she shoved her hands into her coat pocket, fingers bunched into a fist. "i-i came to see the sunset.. i can leave if you want. i wouldn't want to impose"

when she gasped, he almost didn't hear it, the voice in his head louder than the ticking of the wheels and pinions. he thought it someone else, perhaps a curious younger year coming to join him in mulling over their inner turmoil the same. the words "i'm sorry" died on his tongue when he lifted his stern gaze from the floor and found the one he had been thinking of standing right in front of him, in full flesh and seraphic presence. Seeing her there stunned him, locked him in place as though time stood still. How funny it was that whenever he found himself thinking of her, she appeared in one way or another. Whether it was a piece of her she had left behind with him or herself alone, Silas was never prepared, no matter how many times he repeated to himself that this was their reality, and he had to wake up from the surprises. The Ravenclaw male swallowed down the hesitation that clawed at his throat. He saw the tears in her eyes and despite trying to convince himself that Aspen was not going to leave from here, his faith was shaken. It crumbled with the sight of her glistening eyes, and the weary expression on his face softened into a question. "Aspen.. what are you doing here?"

lesser than a day and she would be gone from here- from the magic walls that had somehow become familiar, from her friends and most importantly, him. what was once home didn't feel like it anymore, a set of cold iron barriers against what she fought to call hers once more. alas, nothing remained for her here. since ending things with the man she once called hers, things had taken a turn in her own life and as it has always been, aspen fought it alone. oh, how she wished he was there with her! she shook her head, ridding her mind of thoughts about him. she feared that if she let her mind wander too much, her traitor heart would urge her to stay; she couldn't. in an attempt to clear her mind, she found her steps mounting the tower to the rooftop, a safe haven for the most part. this was where things had began, after all. the door pushed open, her coat wrapped tightly around her as she approached the rail, gaze fixed on the dusk-tinged horizon. so she saw sunsets instead of dawns? the thought itself made it easy for her eyes to fill with tears, threatening to spill in incessant rivers. she couldn't. not now. not when she had a resolute- a gasp spilled past her lips as she turned away to leave, barely moments after she'd come. there he was, in front of her in all his gloom. she itched to approach him, wiping that foul scowl away. but she couldn't.

His footsteps echoed through the empty corridor as he paced to and fro, brows furrowed, clearly in deep thought. In the clock tower, he was safe to think in peace—as much as peace was hard to come by lately, it seemed. The gears and inner workings of the clock rotated in circles like the questions he ruminated over in his mind again and again, confused as to what decision he would have to make to know the truth of her leaving. Silas was told earlier that day that Aspen was leaving from Hogwarts and transferring to Beauxbatons. Impossible. He thought at first but as the possibility ripened, of her truly leaving from where they first came to know each other, loved each other, the fear ate him up inside like a slow death. Maybe he would send her a message, a letter--no, a letter would get to her too late. Maybe he could find her and ask her. But with a thousand of his peers filtering through the halls? He couldn't. Or maybe.. just maybe, she'd find him and tell him, reassure him that the rumors were false. That she wasn't going anywhere. And that despite what had become of them, of their broken relationship, she was staying here with him.