chen's apt.

@[i] lay Jongdae's eyes spring open, followed by a sharp intake of breath.

His forehead is covered in cold sweat, hands gripping the sheets tightly. The room is quiet except for the sound of his heavy breathing and his dog barking loudly at him. This was happening for quite some time now, always waking up in the same condition, all because of those nightmares. The same things happen every single time, but he never gets used to it because it was the memory of the night he lost his everything. It takes him a while to relax, trying to clear his mind by closing his eyes and slowly breathing in and out.

Once he's calm, he opens his eyes once again and sits up, moving to the side of the bed so that he could bend down and pick up the puppy. The digital clock placed on the bedside table tells him that it was already noon, but Jongdae ignores the fact that he should be at the practice room by now-- he needed some time alone. He runs his fingers through its fur and he sighs softly, gently petting the pup's head before placing it back on the floor. Jongdae finally stands up to make his way to the bathroom, shoulders hunched and head hanging low as he slowly drags his feet across the floor.

The trip to the bathroom takes longer than it should thanks to his speed, and he doesn't look up from the floor even when he turns the doorknob and enters the bathroom. He heads straight for the sink, hands clutching onto the edge as he raises his head to look at his reflection. He freezes, seeing the tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes staring back at him. A muffled sob escapes his lips as he clamps a hand over his mouth, realizing just how messed up he was by everything that had happened.

Jongdae felt so miserable.

@[i] irene [sh] When Joohyun finally walks away, Jongdae couldn't even make himself raise his head to watch her— just hearing her footsteps slowly fading into silence as she gets farther away from him makes his heart feel more heavier than it already was.

He then decides that he's had enough of it, and walks inside before slamming the door shut.

There's nothing else Jongdae can do now except to accept that they're over, but he can't. He's too afraid to let go of the past, too afraid to go back into the world called reality.

A new wave of sadness washes over him, now mixed with anger. It's all directed at him— the 'why?'s and the 'how?'s invading his thoughts that were too messed up to even begin with, not to mention the hollow feeling inside his chest that he never really got used to.

So he does the first thing that pops into his mind to release all the pent-up frustration, and punches the wall next to him.

His emotions blind him from the pain, vision blurry with tears as he punches it again and again and again and again because he knows that it's the only thing in the place that won't break, until he gets tired and leans back on the wall behind him, sliding down as he pants heavily, throat sore from the shouting he never knew he did until now.

And there, Jongdae sits, legs outstretched in front of him with his now injured hand lying limply beside him, as he stares off into empty space.

A pained whimper escapes from him, like something in him finally breaks, and the tears flow down his face once more. He pulls his knees up to his chest and hugs them with his good hand, burying his face in between as he cries uncontrollably.

He stays like that for as long as he can remember, until he finally slips out of consciousness from fatigue.

@[i] chen [sh] The moment Jongdae steps back and breaks their kiss is the moment Joohyun finally feels everything crashing over her - reality. Reality and everything they had spent together. From first dates to first kisses to first nights spent together and her fingers absentmindedly touch her lips, because the warmth of him is no longer available.

How Jongdae looks, Joohyun feels, and her eyes are strained on his feet before moving up slowly to meet his eyes. The possibilities in other worlds where Bae Joohyun and Kim Jongdae aren't breaking up, but instead starting a life filled with excitement and passionate romance fills her head and makes her eyes well up. Would her cries ever cease?

She doubts it.

Jongdae starts crying and Joohyun feels her body go limp against the wall that's behind her. She doesn't dare talk - any talking was already done so there's no need for more. Any word that would come out of then would be useless words laced with earning that, at that moment, was unwanted. She's sure he doesn't want anymore apologies so she won't give them to him.

Because he deserves more than just an "I'm sorry". He deserves more than just her tears so he knows how she feels. He deserves someone not by the name of Bae Joohyun.

"Leave." That one word pierces through her being, makes her eyes close. "Please." His voice is so soft and gentle and she only nods, her feet failing her just slightly. She finds her body rooted to the ground as she tries to open her eyes to take in the view in front of her. He looks so tragically beautiful, with tears on his cheeks and eyes closed and hand on the door frame and so, so breakable.

Joohyun does a double take, realizes he isn't breakable - he's already broken.

"I... I will," she responds, her words heavy and knot in as she finally wills herself to walk away from Jongdae.

Her past, but not her present or future.

@[i] irene [sh] Jongdae's eyes close as soon as he feels her kiss back, and he pulls her closer to him, his arms looping themselves around her waist and his hold on her is tight yet gentle as if she was fragile.

He kisses her passionately, pouring out all his love for her and he's afraid to break it because she'll leave if he does. He doesn't want that and he never will.

All the pent up thoughts he has were forgotten just for the moment, and the only one left in his mind is Joohyun. Joohyun, who he first saw as just a mere object for revenge. Joohyun, who clearly proved him wrong when he fell head over heels for her. Joohyun, who he loves with all his heart, mind, and soul.

Joohyun, who was always there when he needed her.

Yet he couldn't even spare his time to reply to her texts and reassure her that he was okay.

The thought of that has him moving away from her as he stumbles backwards, looking dazed and confused. Why did he do that? Why did he have to make it even harder for himself to let go of her?

He feels water running down his face once again and Jongdae doesn't even bother to wipe them away. He grips on the doorframe tightly, as if he's struggling to keep himself standing upright, uttering the one word he never thought he would say.

"Leave."

His eyes look down to the ground, a tinge of desperation in his voice.

"Please."

@[i] chen [sh] It's odd, she thinks, as a gasp emits from her lips and more tears well in her eyes. It's odd to know that even though she said what she said, familiar pair of arms are holding her back from leaving him behind. Joohyun closes her eyes and they sting bitterly and she doesn't hesitate to reach up to hold his forearms.

She's so sorry for what she did and the more minutes pass being like this with him the more her heart aches. She doesn't deserve him. She doesn't deserve his love. She doesn't deserve him stopping her. She doesn't. She simply doesn't.

Yet he thinks other wise. His words ring in her ears and she feels her cheeks turn warm - in embarrassment for breaking him and flustered at knowing he feels that way for her, too. They felt the same. It hurts. She deserves it.

Joohyun tries to speak up but her words fail her. And they fail her even more the moment he turns her around. The girl stands like stone as his lips search for hers, and then her eyes flutter shut, and then her arms are holding him closer to her, and then she doesn't want to let go of him. If she's true to herself, she's scared of letting him go. After this, they won't be able to look at each other without any tension.

The mere thought of that has her crying harder as she pulls him closer to her, her arms wrapping themselves around his neck. She kisses back longingly, hoping he knows she loves him, even though she slipped. She kisses back bitterly, not wanting to leave him. She wants the kiss to last forever, because the moment they break away that'll be it.

That'll be the end of it.

Joohyun breaks the kiss just slightly, enough for her to take a short breath before holding him close again, before meshing their lips together to the point there's no space for their emotions to leak from any crack. Her fingers tangle themselves in his hair and she hopes to not forget the feeling of it, the feeling of his lips, the taste of Jongdae, the warmth of Jongdae.

Jongdae, Jongdae, Jongdae. His name rings in her head and the kiss feels endless.

And breaking away from it feels like its a nightmare.

@[i] irene [sh] This is it.

Those two specific words remain unsaid, but both of them already knew what was happening.

They're spending their last moment together as a couple, before they go back to being strangers. It isn't likely that they'll remain as friends-- it's closer to being impossible, actually.

Too bad it would end this way. But he knew he had to reveal the truth. She deserved it, and he knew that she would have to know it sooner or later. He also knew that they weren't breaking up just because of her mistake- he was guilty too because he used her for revenge, and he didn't want to continue the relationship with that in mind.

Both of them aren't strong enough to push the obstacles away, so they just decided to give up.

Jongdae doesn't stop the tears from falling. He denies her words silently, and his posture becomes rigid as she cries against him, but he doesn't push her away. He doesn't want to.

Her words become arrows and fly over the walls of his heart, hitting him directly and he feels more pain when she turns around and finally opens the door.

He's desperate not to let her leave, but he knows it's for the best-- even if it hurts him.

A pair of arms finally wrap around Joohyun from behind as soon as the last syllable of his name rolls off her tongue, and the owner gives himself a moment to appreciate having her in his arms right now. He pretends to be strong, even when his vocal cords fail to work properly and only a few barely audible words are heard from him.

"Thank you for letting me know how it feels like to be truly loved."

It only takes two seconds for him to turn her around, and less than one before his lips meet hers for what seems to be the last time.

@[i] chen [sh] Joohyun looks away the moment he starts crying.

No. She doesn't want to see him like this - broken and battered because of her mistake. Joohyun wasn't worth his tears, or was she? She's not too sure if she wants to know his answer to that question.

Her hand comes up to wipe away tears falling, and this time she won't stop herself. She doesn't stop herself from looking at him, so close yet far, and walking towards him, her forehead against his chin, her fingers wiping at his tears.

Joohyun waits for him to push her away as she revels in his warmth, and before he can do anything, she speaks and it comes out muffled by the way she's crying. "Don't cry over me," she tells him, bites her lower lip and shakes her head gently, her forehead still against him, but this time on his shoulder. "I'm not worth it. When I think about it, I'm just as bad as Seulgi."

The girl moves her head, her lips barely trailing a line over the skin of his neck, to his cheek, and then his lips before she pulls away, blinks away some tears and then steps back, bitterly. She bows at him, as if saying sorry again. "Thank you for letting me love you the way I did," she speaks up and turns around then, hand on his doorknob.

She needs to go before he breaks down or he does. She needs to go before she can't let herself walk away. She needs to, because it's the only thing she knows is best for them both.

'Sorry' rings in her head, 'I love you' in her heart, and she chokes up a sob as she finally opens the door and walks to the other side of the threshold.

But before she starts on her way home, she stands there, back facing Jongdae, as different phrases and words she wants to tell him make her head spin. "Thank you for loving me, Jongdae."

@[i] irene [sh] He hears a laugh and his eyes flutter open, head turning to look at the source of the said sound. Jongdae stares at her in puzzlement, and he begins to think that he's back in the same situation all over again. Just the thought that he was fooled again hurts his heart already, but he decides to wait for any explanation coming from her.

Joohyun's first statement didn't shock him or anything-- he already expected it. Seulgi was a very secretive woman, to the point that even he never knew who dared to make him her little plaything, playing with his feelings and suddenly leaving him alone, breaking him almost to the point that he could never be fixed.

Hearing that she never knew the girl would do that almost made Jongdae laugh out loud. Of course. That girl never had any scandals before, why would anyone think that she did something really cruel?

"I'm not like Seulgi."

That's what they all say. And then the next thing you know, he's going to be left alone again, crying until he has no more water in his body left to produce tears.

If it was just a small fight, Jongdae would have melted from her words already, but this is the worst one he's ever had.

It's too late, he had already built a wall around his heart, and he only looks at her, a tear escaping his eye and making its way down his face.

"I.. I don't even know anymore."

@[i] chen [sh] Joohyun isn't sure how she should respond.

So she stares at Jongdae, swallows loudly, looks away and bites her lower lip as she hears his voice crack, as his eyes turn red with saline water. If there was one thing she can't handle is seeing the one man she's in love with (the way she is with Jongdae) cry. Knowing that's it's because of her makes the pain worse in her chest.

Jongdae is slow and precise with his words - they come out like silk but feel like daggers. Hearing him say Seulgi never loved him has her looking at him - at his eyes, one of the reasons she fell in love with him - and suddenly she wonders if he thinks she, too, never loved him.

Does he?

But instead of saying anything, dry laughter comes from the girl. This whole thing is ridiculous - how could it end up like this? Just him saying what Seulgi did to him makes the situation all the more ridiculous and it makes her regret even more that she slipped and broke his heart again. Truly, Joohyun thinks, bitter at herself. He deserves better than her -

"I didn't know because... Seulgi and I have a horrible relationship," she confesses to him. The two girls have always been good at keeping up appearances, of making sure they were smiling and holding onto each other in public when in reality, they were distant with each other, especially after Joohyun started dating Jongdae. And now it made more sense as to why. "I didn't know she would do something like that to you," Joohyun continues, looking at Jongdae.

He's gotten closer to her, and there's a grip-lock on her heart and the air around her is suffocating and the space between them is too large now. Even if she tried reaching out for him, her fingers would just slip through him like if he were water. It makes her eyes fill with water.

"I'm not like Seulgi."

Joohyun says this more for her own well-being. She hugs herself in attempt to not reach out for him, even though she wishes she could. "I don't know if you do, but if you think I did what I did and didn't love you this whole time..." Joohyun's voice cracks, eyes clouded with tears. "Please know I do love you."

She looks at him.

He looks blurry.

"I'm stupid and in love."

@[i] irene [sh] Joohyun only stares back at him blankly.

Her question isn't that much of a surprise to him, although he expected a more violent reaction from her- a loud slap, maybe?

But he wondered why she asked. Knowing that they were from the same group anyways, wasn't she supposed to have heard about it already?

Jongdae clears his throat first, clenching his fists tightly, preparing himself for the memories that would resurface. He then grins, but they don't meet his eyes like they usually do.

"Oh, she didn't tell you? Seulgi's my ex-girlfriend. She was the apple of my eye before you even appeared in my life."

He doesn't even give her time to process his words as he continues to talk, stopping just a few meters away from her.

"We had the perfect relationship, we were both happy and contented with each other's presence. But then she suddenly broke up with me."

A soft sigh was heard.

"Seulgi said that she only dated me because of a dare--"

His voice cracks, and he looks away just when he feels his eyes water, his vision getting blurry as her exact words replay in his mind. He closes them and takes a deep breath before saying in a weak voice, "she never loved me."

@[i] chen [sh] When Jongdae stands up from the couch, a piece of Joohyun feels relieved. Firstly, because he stood up - would he fight for her to stay and talk to him? Second off, because he stood up, and that's more than she could ask from him.

But then - "I only thought of you as a way to get back at Seulgi."

Joohyun's small glimmer of hope completely fades from her eyes, and she blinks - once, twice, and thrice. It gets harder to breathe as his words sink in, as his dry laugh goes through one ear and out the other, as his broken voice reverberates all throughout her body.

Seulgi? What did Seulgi have to do with them? Why did he want to get back at her?

The questions leave Joohyun with a blank expression as she stares at Jongdae and she balls her hands into fists, a nervous feeling piling in the pit of her stomach. She's worried about asking him what her member has to do with him, but the curiosity is killing her, unanswered questions boggling her mind.

The girl swallows, looks away from Jongdae's hard gaze. She wonders a moment how everything feels so broken and unnatural standing there, in front of him, uneasy, and she threads her fingers through her hair, wondering how to ask him about Seulgi.

"What does..." Joohyun begins, gulps, closes her eyes and hopes for the best of both possibilities in her mind. "What does Seulgi have to do with all of this?"

Suddenly, as Joohyun looks at him, she wonders that perhaps she knows why.

[post deleted by owner]

@[i] irene [sh] That was all Jongdae managed to say.

Both his mind and heart were too messed up for him to even say a single word, so he just said the word that perfectly contrasted what he was currently feeling.

Because he was definitely not okay right now.

He looks back at Joohyun blankly, seeing her trying hard not to break down in front of him, and he doesn't even know if he still has it in him to come closer to her and comfort her, to whisper sweet nothings into her ear until she finally calms down, and to give her a chaste kiss after she does.

He just doesn't know anymore. He doesn't even notice her reaching for his hands, wanting to hold them.

Her apology does make his expression soften a little, but it only had little to no effect compared to the words before that.

Nothing is heard from Jongdae as he watches her stand up and walk over to the door, but then she stops and turns around to face him.

The words that come out of also has him standing up from his seat, slowly walking up to her as he opens his mouth to finally speak. He lets his hands fall back to his sides.

"You know, when I first saw you, I only thought of you as a way to get back at Seulgi."

He chuckles bitterly, remembering the very first day they met.

@[i] chen [sh] "Okay."

His one word, two syllables, one breath-worthy response leaves Joohyun sitting in front of him, blinking out tears absentmindedly.

She feels her heart break as he looks at her, dull and broken, and suddenly - if by a grace of God she could - she wishes she could go back in time and stop herself before committing the mistake of sleeping with Tiffany.

(But she's lying again, because she knows she doesn't fully regret doing what she did)

Joohyun bites her lower lip, eyes heavy as she pulls on her fingers. "I see..." She finally says, pushing back the tears threatening to keep falling. "Okay... It is."

Before composing herself to stand up from his coffee table, Joohyun wills herself to look at Jongdae, and she wishes she hadn't, because the way he's looking at her makes her feel miserable. She's gentle and slow with her movements as she reaches to brush her fingers over his hands, wanting to hold them.

But she doesn't, she stands up instead. "I'm... Sorry, Jongdae, for - for waisting your time and doing what I did I..." Joohyun blinks away tears again, and by now she's doing all she can not to let herself break down in front of him. "I'll go now."

The girl walks, slowly, towards the apartment door. She had wished for him to say something more than that - something that would give her reason to believe they could talk what happened through. Something, anything other than "okay" would have been better.

Joohyun stops.

She doesn't know why, but she can't reach to open the door. Walking out means leaving everything they went through behind - all the memories and love. Walking out also meant what Jongdae deserved - someone better than Joohyun.

Without much thought, Joohyun turns around, mouth opening and closing.

"I still love you."

@[i] irene [sh] Jongdae shifts to a more comfortable position when she finally tells him that she would tell him what happened, leaning back to the couch and crossing his arms. He doesn't know what to feel, whether he should be nervous or calm because he doesn't want to let go of that one string of hope that everything's still fine between the two of them.

Yet as he listens to her every word, he couldn't prevent himself from being apprehensive.

So he closes his eyes, nodding while listening. Opens them again when she pauses, meeting hers.

He freezes at her next sentence, and he tells himself that it's still okay, it was just a kiss, but he feels his heart crack just a little. They were under the influence after all, it was just a mistake, right?

The next words follow, and his heart gets heavier with every single word that comes out of , thinks- hey, I could just kiss her and we can just pretend that nothing happened. The word makes the crack on his heart a little bigger, but at least it's not entirely broken.

Then she tells him that she doesn't remember disliking it and that she thought of him the whole time.

That does it. He- his heart- his feelings- everything gets crushed into pieces. He asks himself in his mind why? Everything was so perfect, why did this have to happen? Did he do something entirely wrong? He did everything in his power to spend as much time available with her, even endured long schedules because he knew he had her to go back to. He changed just for her, stopped flirting around with random girls just to make her feel special, and she does the complete opposite to him?

He feels nothing, because all the negativity is going back to him just at the last time this happened, because everything turns into nothing. He doesn't know if he should be angry or sad or confused because the situation is still processing in his mind and it would take him a while to think of any reasons he should still accept her but what's done is done and her words just won't stop repeating in his mind--

"Okay."

He looks at her and the smile is gone from his face, replaced by a cold facade, showing nothing of what he's currently feeling.

@[i] chen [sh] Jongdae is staring at her and Joohyun feels an immense emptiness where her heart should be.

Instead of looking angry, he's looking at her, expectantly, as if wanting more from her. Joohyun can't help but keep brushing away tears falling from her eyes, the guilt much heavier on her shoulders than the empty feeling in her chest. She looks at Jongdae, wishes he could say something, "...anything," she mutters silently, a whisper to herself only and then she nods, finally understanding.

"I'll," Joohyun begins, voice cracking and hard to understand amidst the tears in her eyes and the knot in . "I'll tell you what happened."

And so she does. She takes a deep breath, looks down at her fumbling hands, and remembers that it's Jongdae she's talking to - the man that made her feel true love for the first time ever. So he deserves the story - the truth, not the euphemism of what happened.

"Tiffany-unnie and I were talking when we spent time together, about you, about Yuri-unnie,"Joohyun says softly, not rushing through her words, knowing well that her tears are ready to spill. "Your playing around with your flirting with your members and us not seeing each other really... Really got to me and I was sad and so... Tiffany-unnie, she..."

Joohyun's fingers brush her lips, memories of the night blurry in her mind and the morning after
burning the back of her eyelids when she closes her eyes. And then she opens them, and her eyes are piercing into Jongdae's own brown orbs, and there's no sense of him reacting negative to it yet. "With Tiffany-unnie, we kissed."

Joohyun runs her fingers through her hair frantically, looks away from Jongdae again. "I don't really remember the rest of the night well, but we woke up on my bed... ," she tells him, let's out a shake breath. "The thing is I don't remember disliking it and at the same time I remember thinking of - thinking of you the whole time."

The tears slip pass her eyes and she's smiling sardonically as she looks up at Jongdae. "I don't understand why I didn't stop myself."

@[i] irene [sh] Breathe in, breathe out.

That's what Jongdae says to himself in his mind when a few seconds pass, and his expression finally changes into a more relaxed one as he tries to push away all the questions that entered in his mind. Within just a few minutes all of that happened, but what he didn't know was that it was just the calm before the storm.

His attention goes back to her when she continues speaking, and he notices that the sentence was said with a few words missing. He also realizes that she was referring to him, and he can't help but wonder how he became involved in the situation.

Her next few words catch him by surprise. He knows that she drinks, but because of the ever-growing space that divided them?

This is when he realizes the true impact of what was happening between them.

His mind goes blank when she mentions the word unfaithful. Scrambles around, trying to think of any idea that could point to how Joohyun could possibly be unfaithful to him with Tiffany while she was drunk. He knew that the latter was a taken woman, and it did nothing but confuse him even more.

So he stares at her, expecting a clearer explanation.

@[i] chen [sh] Joohyun bites her trembling lower lip and tugs on her fingers out of nervous habit. The knot in isn't going anywhere and it seems much harder to breathe. As Jongdae looks at her the way he does, with widen eyes and furrowed brows, Joohyun wishes the floor could open there and then and swallow her up.

It's like she has a door over her shoulders, waiting to open and let the entire universe crash over her like waves.

His question brings her back to reality, and she wills herself to speak up - use a bit of the dignity she has left to be truthful to him. What would his reaction be? Would he yell at her to get out of his home or would he be so hurt to not even be able to raise his voice? The different possibilities has Joohyun about to break again, so she clears to try and compose herself.

"With Tiffany-unnie... I... On you." The sentence comes out broken - different thoughts swarming her head and she can't seem to give him coherency until she looks into his eyes again and realizes he deserves to know.

If she loves him, she should tell him.

"We drank a lot," Joohyun says softly, looking anywhere but Jongdae's eyes. "I missed you a lot - we weren't seeing each other, and even now we don't see each other and... Things led to other things," she tells him, let's some tears slip pass her eyes as guilt swallows her entire being. "I love you and yet..." She trails off, looking at him. "Look what I did: I was unfaithful to you."

@[i] irene [sh] Jongdae's heart breaks when he hears a sob escape from her, and even more as he feels he pushing him away weakly. His hold on her tightens a little at the four words she said, furrowing his eyebrows. He whispers a small "of course you do" to her, feeling a small glint of hope that everything's okay when she finally hugs him back.

He doesn't mind the fact that his shirt was getting wet by her tears, because first, they were at his home anyway, and second, he wanted her to cry her heart out. He'd heard of the consequences of keeping anger and sadness inside, and he didn't want anyone to let that happen to them, most especially to his loved ones.

Even with her pausing and stumbling over her words, he was able to understand what she was saying-- but what did it have to do with Tiffany?

Then she pushes him away, hard enough to make him fall back to the couch, and he doesn't even have enough time to react because she's saying something again, but he quickly realizes that she's just repeating her words.

Becoming even more confused by what's happening, he furrows his eyebrows, not by anger but because he really wants to know what she was trying to say. "What? What's with Tiffany noona?"

@[i] chen [sh] How he hugs her pushes her over the edge and that's when a sob rips from the back of . Hesitantly, she hugs him back, cries against his shoulder, before trying to push him away.

"I don't d-deserve you," she says against his shoulder, feeling her body fall limp in his arms, not trying anymore to push him away but instead letting him comfort her, because she's selfish that way. She finds herself hugging him back, tears falling from her eyes and soaking up his shirt.

How should she tell him? "I'm sorry for cheating on you"? Despite the many scenarios and ways she played it out in her head, none still sounded pleasant to her.

So -

"With... with Tiffany-unnie, I..." she begins, trailing off, and burrows her face in his shoulder. And then she pushes him away, this time assertive and wipes at her tears. "With Tiffany-unnie... I'm so sorry... with her - with her, I -"

She cuts herself short, not being able to get out the words she so desperately needs to tell him. Not that she wants to hurt him, but more so to feel more relief than what she's currently feeling.

@[i] irene [sh] His heart hurts the moment he looks into her eyes and sees her wipe away a tear, and he wants to be the one wiping them away for her, to embrace her until she finally calms down. But he doesn't, because he can feel it.

There's an invisible barrier between them, one that's preventing him from going near her, one making her stay away from him.

She avoids his gaze and it makes him hurt more. He sees her hands hesitantly reaching his, but they don't, adding even more pain than what he's currently feeling. But Jongdae hides his pain, still giving her a small smile that he isn't even sure anymore if it shows either hope or sadness.

Her words make him confused and sad and a little angry because she would never do anything that would make him hate her... right?

The next words she said were what pushed him. He finally decides to break the barrier, moving closer to her to enclose her in his arms, pulling her closer to him as he gently pats her back, denying her statement. "You're not horrible, Joohyun. You're not and you never will be."

@[i] chen [sh] She wipes away a tear the slips pass her eye lids. It rests on her hand, and it's cold on her skin and she feels her eyes red, but not spilling anything.

His words hang heavy in the air as the girl composes herself - swallows, pushes back the tears threatening to fall (even though they would fall eventually, she just didn't think she had the right to cry, not when she's the one that slipped). Eventually, she'll only end up hurting him, and her crying will only make her look selfish.

Wanting to be with him and at the same time wanting Tiffany wasn't going to get her anywhere, wasn't it?

She wipes once more at her eyes, let's out a loud breath and looks at Jongdae sincerely. His look tells her he knows what she's about to say isn't anything good and it breaks her, makes her shake her head and look back down, not being able to look him in the eye as she hesitantly reaches to - on a whim - hold his hand. But she stops herself from doing so and instead laces her fingers together.

"I know you'll hate me after I tell you, and... and for that, I'm sorry, even if you don't forgive me," she says after an endless silence, clearing and chewing on her inner cheek. "I loved you and I still do. I'm so sorry, Jongdae-ah."

Her voice cracks slightly and fades out and she closes her eyes. "I'm so sorry I'm so horrible."

@[i] irene [sh] Jongdae looks down once he heard a sigh from the female, clasping his hands in front of him as he hears footsteps coming near him. He knows that kind of sigh, and he knows that what she's going to say next will be far from good news.

Catching a glimpse of Joohyun sitting in front of him instead of beside him, he looks up in slight surprise. He nods a little at her words, before humming softly. "It's okay," He says, giving her a gentle smile. "I can wait. You can speak whenever you're ready."

He does wait patiently, mentally preparing himself for whatever she was going to say.

This gets him a little nervous and scared, but he keeps his hopes up, that this would just be a small matter, that everything is still okay. But he's not so sure at the latter.

@[i] chen [sh] Joohyun's eyes close.

That's the best thing she can do at the moment. She swallows as his arm brushes against hers and he moves to sit on the couch. Slowly opening her eyes, the first thing she sees is his smile and he pats the spot on the couch next to him, inviting her.

Joohyun notices the way he shifts and moves his hand as if reaching out for her and then he lets his hands rest on his side and she lets out a loud sigh. The girl moves towards him, tense, and she feels herself shaking. She went over this once and twice and thrice yet actually being here to tell him is worse than practicing in front of a mirror.

The way he looks at her makes her heart crack.

Instead of sitting down on the sofa, Joohyun sits in front of him on his coffee table, fidgets with her fingers and pulls on the hem of her long shirt. "I'm scared to tell you what I need to tell you," she finally confesses, lower lip trembling slightly. "I don't know how..."

@[i] irene [sh] He tenses a bit when she pushes his hands away, turning around and avoiding his gaze. To say he was a little hurt may be an understatement, but he still did his best to understand.

There was a short moment of silence before he spoke again. "Okay then," Jongdae walked past her to take a seat on the couch, completely turning off the TV. He glanced back at her, managing to give her a small smile as he patted the space next to him.

The guy felt the heavy atmosphere as silence surrounded them again. He knew he could always do something to lighten it up- heck, he was able to do so while a member was crying- but he decided not to. Changing the topic won't do anything, since he was sure that it would just keep coming back again and again if he did it.

Jongdae moved to grab her hands again before suddenly stopping, contemplating on whether or not to do it. It took him only a second before his own hands were back on his sides, thinking to himself that he should give her some space. He didn't want to make her mood worse.

@[i] chen [sh] His lips meet her forehead, and she bites her tongue to hold back tears.

Why is he always like this while she was unfaithful to him? She didn't deserve him or his love, hence her passing by. Joohyun needs to tell him, even if it breaks him (and her, subsequently) and even if she doesn't know how.

As Jongdae moves away, Joohyun nods at him with a soft smile, swallowing loudly as he moves his hands to grab hers. His question echoes in her head, bouncing off every crevice of her body as a loud pang goes off in her chest. The girl pushes his hands away, pushes his comfort and love, and holds herself again, turning around.

"Could we - could we sit down, Jongdae-ah? I'm a bit under the weather."

@[i] irene [sh] Jongdae nods in response to her answer, understanding the situation. He wasn't the only one busy between the two of them, after all, especially since the other was already having promotions with her group. It wouldn't take long before his, too, would start theirs. That meant that they would be promoting at the same time.

He can't help but think that they can have more time backstage. The idea of spending more time with Joohyun made him feel a little more happier than he'd expected.

Walking over to her direction after he made sure that the door was closed, he stopped just in front of her, smiling softly and shaking his head at her words, gently cupping her face with his hands before planting a small kiss at her forehead. Jongdae looked back at her as he pulled away. "It's okay, you're not interrupting or anything."

The way she said those words made him wonder a little, and realizing that she didn't continue her sentence, he reached down to hold her hands, thumbs rubbing the back of her palms. "What is it?"

@[i] chen [sh] When she sees him, she can't help the feeling of her heart dropping. The way Jongdae wraps his arms around her feels so natural, his scent bringing back a hoard of emotions as she softly lets herself hug him back.

"Y-yeah, I know... I was just passing by after, um, coming from practice, so," she begins softly against his shoulder. He moves away then, steps aside to let her go into his apartment, and he's smiling like always - with care and so Jongdae-like.

Joohyun tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and smiles back at him and walks into his home, shuddering and hugging herself as she turns to look at him going into the apartment and closing the door. Joohyun notices that the TV was on and she can't help but excuse herself. "Sorry for interrupting, Jongdae-ah, I thought you'd be busy but -"

She stops herself there, the words she wants to spill out getting caught in .

@[i] irene [sh] Everything was going well. The comeback, the concert that just finished a few weeks ago, and most importantly, his love life. As far as he could tell, he and Joohyun were going steady, with a few dates here and there, but he also noticed that they weren't seeing each other more often.

But that didn't mean that Jongdae's love for her was decreasing.

When he heard the knock on his door, he stood up from the couch, not forgetting to mute the television, before making his way to the door. He was a bit confused at who might possibly be visiting him at this time- when Jongdae saw his girlfriend as he opened his door, however, all confusion was replaced by happiness.

"Joohyun!" He smiled brightly, not hesitating to give her a hug immediately. "What's with the visit? You know how dangerous it is to be out this late at night." He asked as soon as he let go of her, looking at her with a small smile and a hint of concern visible on his face while he led her inside, closing the door behind him.

@[i] chen [sh] Her hand hesitates before knocking on the door. Heart heavy in her chest and lump in the back of , she stares long and hard at the door of the apartment. Unconsciously, her hands turn into fists, and she can't help the burning memory of spending countless hours there with him.

And at the same time, she can't rid herself of the sensation of having broken her own promise of loving him selflessly. She said it herself, that she'd be his, so how did she let herself slip?

Joohyun swallows, takes in a deep breath - a shudder runs down her spine and she shakes her head, heaving. "You can do this... it's better this way," she mutters. For a split moment, she wondered if he would open his door - it was late and he had barely finished his concert dates and the odds were that he wouldn't answer.

But screw the odds, she couldn't keep it in any longer. And so she knocks, scared and carefully, and wonders exactly when everything turned for worse.