ˋ❖ Ghostly Garden

@✞ eunki h。 well... its a good solution, i'll tell you that
/smiles to myself before i watch as your hand meets my own, nodding in thanks for you agreeing before i pull my hand back afterwards
thank you
i now i'm worrying likely for nothing i just... i just want to make things as good as i can whilst i can for the both of us. well. for all of us actually
/smiles warmly once more before i sip from my mug's contents again, setting it down with my hands wrapped around the warmed mug
how... are you feeling by the way?
better?
/looks over you quietly as if to gauge how you actually are, my head tilted to one side as i do so, gazing at you over the top of my mug
i know the last couple doctor meetings have been pretty good but that's because i was there to hear it
what i mean is... baby aside. how're /you/?
/wanting you to know and feel that i'm as interested in you as i am our child still, i gaze into your eyes for a moment more before i reach my hand out
/sliding it softly over one of your own i let my fingers link between your own before i squeeze gently, welcoming you into my touch before i brush my thumb over the back of your hand

@✞ yunho j。 So I want to do something for myself, and it just so happens that it's also something for you.
/as you come to the table I only approach when you gesture for me to take a seat, and I take the offered chair, sitting down a bit gingerly and watching the way my own thighs already spread a little thanks to the added weight of my front/
He only wanted to help, and now he's being stubborn.
But that makes three of us being stubborn in our own ways, so this was the only solution I could think of.
/my gaze rises to meet yours as I take the mug between my hands, gingerly lifting it toward my lips to blow softly on the steaming contents and then take a sip/
I am sure, of course I'm sure.
I missed them too. I missed all of you.
/your one condition gives me pause and I lift a hand, palm toward you, about to interject though your outstretched hand and pinkie make it all to clear that my interjection won't be accepted/
Alright, for the sake of our baby, and because you said so...
/carefully, I link my pinkie with yours and bring my hand up with the intent to press my thumb against your own, sealing the promise to you in as gentle a way as I might/
I promise I won't do any heavy lifting, or anything like that.
I'll ask you for help if it's something too big for me to do easily on my own.

@✞ eunki h。 /nods and looks at you when you turn to me, staring down at you quietly before i look down to your belly, or rather your hand against it
that's true, i did say that
/smiles a little at the thought of you reading and rereading novels again and again, shaking my head before i stir the contents of the tea
/still thinking about what you say i bring the two mugs over to the kitchen table and set them down on coasters, pulling out a chair for you and motioning for you take a seat
sounds like your brother, not to take it back
/once i have you tucked in i take a seat as well, wrapping my hands around the mug and enjoying the slight sting of the heat against my cool skin
but if you're sure about this... then i think its a good idea to have you back
i know i could use the help and the children really did miss you
/smiles a little before i lift my mug to my lips and take a sip, seemingly undisturbed by just how hot it is before i lower it and rest my thumb over the rim
but no heavy duty stuff-
i'm sure i don't have to tell you that but i mean it. if there's anything you need help with just ask me for help, please?
even if i'm busy and that eats at you to ask for help
/holds out my hand, pinky extended towards you in order for you to make that promise with me

@✞ yunho j。 I won't turn down your tea if you insist. I've missed having tea with you.
/when we do reach the bottom of the stairs I turn to face you, one hand resting on my belly while I look at you with a soft smile on my lips; when you talk about pay and feeling bad, I can only shake my head in disagreement while following you toward the kitchen, and I speak softly once we're in the kitchen/
I know that it wouldn't be a paid job, but before you focus on feeling guilty--
/while you put your tools away, I lean into the doorway, one hand still resting on my belly while I speak just a little louder, my gaze drawn down the hall in the direction of the sounds of the children/
I loved being here, even before we were together, and I loved spending time with the children.
You're the one who said that we should do things for ourselves, because we're important, and what better way to do something for myself than to spend time here, helping out watching and playing with and caring for the children, instead of just lying around hyung's home and rereading one of those dog-eared novels I keep by the bed?
/turning my gaze back toward you with a soft flutter of lashes, I can't help the way my smile widens to watch you make the tea, something I've enjoyed many times in our past/
Not to mention, there's the matter of the money you wouldn't accept and that he won't take back.
Perhaps, as a compromise, I can get him to take the money back as money for my room and board if I'm not bringing other money in while I'm helping out here.

@✞ eunki h。 it was about time i got round to sprucing it up a bit. the teens have their own place done too. i figure letting them add their own touches would be best
/explains as you commend me for doing this much, waving it off as i feel its the bare minimum i should and could do for them in the first place
are you sure? i'd like to make myself some tea anyway so it'd be no hassle. a small payment for you watching the little ones for me
/follows you out the room as you begin down the stairs, following close enough behind and looking up to your face when you speak to me
oh...
/the offer has me waiting until we're at the bottom of the stairs before i dare speak up, pressing my lips together before i look at you
well it wouldn't be a paid job, you know that
and i'd feel bad having you help for, well, basically nothing
/rubs at my nape as i lead us into the kitchen, my turn to glance back at you this time and i give you a sheepish smile as i turn on the kettle
i could always use the help i'm just not sure my conscience could rest knowing i was getting it for free....?
/crouches in front of the sink, opening the cupboard and putting away my tools before i wash my hands and grab a couple of mugs, deciding to make you some tea anyway

@✞ yunho j。 It does look a lot nicer-- I can see how much work you put into it.
/the room with its sunnier colors, the painted murals, even its softer flooring makes it clear just how much work and love you put into the place; a smile resides on my lips while I dare to step a little closer to you, glancing around at everything you've worked on so far while you talk about your work/
You've done so much for them, Yunho.
/my gaze slips back to you, drawn there as it so often is, and I watch the remnants of your hard work in you cleaning up your tools, and wiping off your hands; keeping a hand at my belly, I give a small shake of my head when you mention getting me something to drink/
You do so much already. If I need something, I think I can manage on my own.
But I don't mind watching the children if that helps.
/my features are bright, colorful in a way they haven't been in some time, with roses evident in my cheeks and that hint of golden in my hair just catching the light, made all the more yellow while we stand in this room; my gaze briefly follows the movement of your hands, and I tip my head up in time to catch you pushing up your glasses, only to nod/
We shall.
/for a moment I consider reaching out, hooking an arm through yours, but instead, I turn to head for the stairs on my own, ahead of you, my legs still carrying me a little more slowly than usual, though it seems more out of conscientiousness than necessity; when I reach the stairs my free hand comes to the railing, guiding myself down while I steal a glance over my shoulder back at you/
You know, since I'm not exactly working at the cafe anymore... I can always come help out with the kids like I used to, now that I'm feeling more like myself, I mean.
At least, I would like to if you let me.

@✞ eunki h。 /smiles a little at the use of the term you use, shaking my head softly before mei looks back at me, hesitating as if reluctant to leave me alone but i give her a reassuring smile and wave her off
/turning to you again i nod when you tell me everything is okay, relief seeping into my features quite clearly before i lift one of my hands to rub at my upper arm
oh-
oh that's kind of you but its alright. this room is pretty much done finally. don't you think it looks a lot nicer?
/sweeps my hand down, gesturing to the longer room with its sunny yellow curtains, bunk beds and and new linen, varnished would and clean, softer bamboo flooring with fluffy rugs atop of them, night lights ready and plugged into wall sockets with a collection of wardrobes and dressers at both ends of the room
/along the walls are murals i've painted for the children, happiness etched into the painting and showing off memories made under this roof whilst the promise of new, even better ones
this is obviously done for the smaller ones. the older ones i've pretty much finished, i've just left them to decorate a little on their owns since its different for them in their ages
/explains quietly as i pick up the rag from the dresser and the screwdriver, sliding the latter into my back pocket before i use the rag to wipe off my hands a little
can i get you something to drink? the children are all downstairs so i could use the help keeping an eye on them whilst tidying up a little
/tosses the rag over my shoulder, resting it there before i slide my worn hands into the front of my trouser pockets, nudging the old glasses up my nose the moment before
shall we?

@✞ yunho j。 /with time, and those nightly visits to your dreams, I was being renewed and the evidence was becoming more defined; I was no longer as gaunt as I had been, and a certain rosiness seemed to have returned to my skin in time, the ashen quality of my faded hair had even begun to take on a buttery yellow quality in its place; as the seasons begin to change, the cusp of winter slowly unfurling into spring, so do I; knowing that you're working on renovations at the orphanage, my desire is to help, even if my weakened state has prevented me from doing so; but today felt different from the moment I left my bed, and even Junki remarks on how much like my happier self I seem; it's that which leads me to the orphanage, and to you, during the daylight hours, and on seeing my two favorite girls, I sweep Mei and Hyesoo into my arms/
Oh girls-- you both look even prettier than the last time.
/it's Hyesoo who smiles, and Mei who clings, but after I get the girls disentangled from me, Mei volunteers to go ahead and warn you I've come; I can't help but think that she must be cautious after the time we've spent apart, and with only fleeting hellos and goodbyes, I'm only grateful to see them at all; as I make my way after, Hyesoo having left my side to return to playing with some of the other children, one of the young boys coming close to shyly ask for a hug which I all too willingly grant, I only catch the tail end of Mei announcing me as "pretty lady" which makes me smile/
Mei--
/calling quietly after, I step into the doorway, a hand on the curve of my belly, a little less pronounced under layers of clothing and with some of my own weight put back on to conceal it; when I see you, there's butterflies, and for a moment I'm still surprised at the effect you have on me; when Mei comes back toward me I crouch down and bring her into my arms once again, giving her a gentle squeeze/
Why don't you go play, hm? If oppa doesn't need my help, I'll come see you in a little while, okay?
/there's a hint of teasing in that address, almost a subtle acceptance of the way Mei must see me while I so openly refer to you that way, and not just as her oppa; giving her a little pat on the back I send her on her way before I rise to my feet and my hand returns to my belly almost protectively/
Everything's fine, I promise.
I feel good today... thought I would come by and see if you needed any help.
/my hand slowly runs over the curve of my belly and a faint smile rises to my lips/
Plus it's nice getting to see the kids awake for more than a minute before their bedtime.

@✞ eunki h。 /with a couple of weeks having gone by i find myself having allowed you to visit my dreams each night, knowing i'm not able to offer anything more at the moment but its enough and a middle ground for us
/in that time i've been making renovations to the orphanage, redoing most of it in the hopes of making it nicer for the children who come into my care
/today i've finished the new, large bedroom on the top floor, dedicating the whole of it to the children of all ages after extending it, the whole thing looking a lot more homely and comfortable
/hanging up sunny yellow curtains, i run my hands down the fabric to smooth it out, smiling as i pull them back and let the sunshine in, the days a lot milder now as spring is rolling around for sure
/its when i'm fixing together the last bits of a wooden dresser that i feel someone watching me, looking over my shoulder and for a moment thinking i see a tall woman, towering above me
/when i do a double take i find its just mei, making me smile softly at her before i place the screwdriver down and turn towards her
hello, mei. is something wrong?
/dusting my rough hands off on my thighs i crouch in front of her, holding out my hands which she takes in her own, equally cold ones
"pretty lady is here to see you"
/for a moment my blood runs cold at this as i remember the figure i saw instead of mei's a moment before, only to realise she means you when i see movement by the doorway and spot your figure there instead
oh mei. you silly thing, that's eunki. eunki is a man
"but he's pretty like a lady!"
/chuckles a little at her insistence, turning her around and sending her off to you as i straighten up, picking up the screwdriver and walking over to you
hey... what a nice surprise. i didn't think i'd see you until this evening
everything okay?

@✞ yunho j。 You may not see it in yourself because of your nature, my love... but it's not that my love has me blind.
You fell in love with a demon, a demon who was able to flourish because of your nature, not in spite of it.
/it's my turn to try and stay strong when it's clear that you need me to, and as you touch my belly, as you acknowledge the child that we have made together, I can feel the energy within me, slow to build but undeniably there and I let my hands return to the ones native to this form, talons lying flat and scratching so lightly against your scalp while I look at you/
Just because we can't go back yet, doesn't mean we won't, and just because we won't be what we once were doesn't mean it won't be even better, that we won't be stronger for it in time.
Keep your pride, I never meant to wound it. I never meant to betray you, but I know that I was wrong, I know that I should have told you these things from the start rather than trying to shield you.
/seeing your tears leave your eyes finally, my hands leave your hair, coming to cup your cheeks the tips of my long and sharp nails just barely skimming against your ears before you sink to your knees before me/
You're forgiven... for whatever it is you feel you have to be sorry for, you are forgiven.
You were forgiven in a matter of hours, Yunho.
/while you hold me close I remain standing, my own claws made gentle in carding through your hair, scratching lightly at your scalp before I hug your head against my belly, against the child that needs us both/
You don't need to miss me, any longer.
Perhaps... perhaps we can try again?
Perhaps we can start from the beginning...
/my voice remains soft even after I let my hands return to their natural form, figuring the small use of this energy is plenty enough, that even if you should shake me from your thoughts now I'm already better nourished than I have been in weeks/
I could come by again, as a friend, and help with the children.
If you gave me a chance to prove that I intend to atone for what I did to you...
/staying strong only lasts for so long, and I sink within your grasp, seated on my legs, even though it's an inhuman pose as I gather you in my arms this time to draw you close to me/
I love you, Yunho, and my heart has ached for want of you.
But I'm here... you're here... you're giving of yourself already, and if we can... if we can go back to the beginning, then perhaps we can grow stronger.
But I don't want to see you speak poorly of the man that I love, and I don't want to see you miserable any longer. You deserve so much better than that, and you always have.

@✞ eunki h。 i just...
/inhaling deeply i look up to the light that still coils amidst the darkness, battling it silently to give us a little more reprieve as we both so desperately need it
i never hated you. i never... i was never really even mad, eunki
i felt... betrayed. the one person who... who wasn't supposed to be like the others- he left me with an empty feeling because he didn't keep his promise of being honest. he made decisions that weren't entirely his own to make
/speaking of you as another person seems and feels easier at the moment, though it has me closing my eyelids as i continue
the children never relented. always asking for you but i realised one day it was for more than the sadness of losing someone they loved. it was because i wasn't doing a good job of hiding how utterly /miserable/ i've been without you
/falling silent i listen to your sweet comparison of me to something as life giving as rain, shaking my head to myself as i know i'm a creature of the exact opposite of life
as always... you're so clear on everything but me. your love blinds you to the true nature i possess
/there's a small smile at that but it falls short quickly of a full one and leaves my eyelids drooping again, closing my eyelids as your hands run up my arms to my shoulders
/with both my hands on your belly now i feel over the skin softly, my rough palms cascading around the sides and taking my time to enjoy how nice it feels
i'm sorry i can't go back to how we were. not immediately at least and i think you know it'll never be the same...
but it doesn't mean it has to be bad
i-
i just need time... i need time to get over the pride i hoard so terribly for myself
/nods softly as you tell me you love me and always will, those tears breaking free from my own eyes and streaking down my cheeks, a sob to follow as i bend down to my knees in front of you
i'm sorry... i'm so sorry, e-eunki
/bows my head to your belly, holding your sides as i clutch you close to me, the man you admire and adore brought to his humbled, broken knees with an equally broken heart laid bare for you
i miss you so much

@✞ yunho j。 My autumn...
/my voice is soft as I watch the tears form in your eyes, and my hands rest beneath yours, feeling the worn pads of your fingers run over my own hands as you speak of losing me/
I feel... I feel like I've already lost you.
/it's the sincerest words I can offer to you now, and yet when you call me, me standing before you, the man that you love I feel the slow beating of my heart seize and I bow my head once more, my tongue tied and my eyes dry but it's all too clear that if I stood before you in the form I prefer that tears would run down my face; these ashen cheeks remain dry instead, and as your hand touches one of the horns that curl and curve back over my hair, while my hands rest where you've returned them/
Yunho...
/it's the first I've dared to say your name since you asked me not to, and as I lift my own head only to see your bow your own, I slip my hands up from your chest, cautious of those claws that I had hurt others with once in an attempt to protect you and I cup your face between my palms/
Then don't beg. I should be the one begging.
I should be the one begging you to forgive, and to love, and to look at me as you once did.
/leaning in close, I find myself wishing that I could stand here with you, human rather than monster; perhaps it's you asking me not to beg while admitting that you love me that has my hands reaching for your own, fingers clasping as gently as I can over your own and drawing them toward the exaggerated curve of my belly/
This is life. This is a life that we made.
Your spring isn't gone, just dormant a while because he couldn't be near you.
/murmuring quietly, my hands leave yours and run along the outsides of your arms, coming to hook over your shoulders as I take in the features of your face/
Perhaps you never were autumn... perhaps you have always been rain.
You were the one that gave me life, a life I wanted rather than one I stole, and there is no spring without rain.
/my voice softens some, though it's still far from sweet in spite of those words while I stand before you, both of us , my body lacking in physical desires in spite of the libido that should be natural to me, but that need for emotional connection keeps me close to you, and for a moment, even just having your hands on my belly, I can feel a warmth enter my veins that hasn't been there in so long/
I love you... I still love you... I will always love you.
Without you, without the children, the only thing that has given my life a meaning has been our child...
/that energy seems to go to my voice and to my hands first, long claws receding into manicured nails on slightly shorter, but still long and delicate fingers that I bring to your hair/
I have been so frightened without you.

@✞ eunki h。 if you're not supposed to be free just because you're a demon then what about me?
/knowing you'd never say the same of me i use that against you now in a bid to get you to see things how they really are and that a life shackled is no life at all
i never fell in love with a monster... just a man who didn't realise how full of life he really was
/glances down at the chains that disappear into nothing more than flames and, well, nothingness, wishing i could do the same for your own doubts about yourself
no matter what form he took. my spring time was spring because of the life he gave and the happiness he brought
this form... this form is no different from the one of pastels and light i knew before
/brushes my fingers over your own fingertips, over those claws of yours to the very tips of them as they rest against my chest, feeling how they dimple the bare flesh
/leaving your question unanswered for now i let you speak about what has happened to my spring and happiness, tears collecting in those tired eyes of mine whilst guilt drags my once strong shoulders down
/as you pull your hand back i see a glimmer of the you from before appear, watching from behind my own watery eyes as you insist you can't do this
losing you...
losing you is not worth giving up a part of me. don't you understand that?
/reaches for your hands, bringing them back to my chest, claws and all before i lift another hand to one of your horns, skimming over the appendage before my hand pulls back and i speak slowly
i've given up so much. if i couldn't give up one more thing to keep the man i love... alive
/admitting aloud that i still love you seems obvious by now, otherwise i wouldn't be so upset about this whole thing with you, it leaves me bowing my head and hiding my face a little
you /can/ do this. you have to...
/shakes my head before i tilt my head up and let you see my face full of mourning and loss, but there's a flicker of warmth in the back of those eyes as i'm begging you not to let this bed the end
don't make me beg, eunki
i'll do anything but let me keep some of my pride

@✞ yunho j。 I stood free once, and we see what came of that.
Demons aren't meant to have their freedom.
/speaking as softly as that voice, the one whose only power comes from a chorus within, one foreign to my ears, the sound torturous, will allow me to, I look into your eyes as your hand comes to hover above the collar on my throat; my hand rests within the other, skin colder than ever, so much so that your own barely feels cool/
Why set me free?
/it's an earnest question as the heavy iron hits the floor, shackles broken, their weight gone from me and yet the emotional burden of standing here before you feels all the heavier for their absence/
You have a monster in front of you... and you would break my shackles?
/the sense of disbelief is a difficult one to shake as I look at you, but in this form, in your mind, even when I'm the only familiar thing to you, I'm only glad that I have no tears to shed/
Do you still think of me as your spring?
/these questions scare me, the ones that come from a slow beating heart, everything in me aching while your arms are around me, and though it scares me to do so, I place my hands on your skin, belly between us, my hands skimming over your sides and then back in so much need of you and your touch and wanting so little else/
Your spring... your spring withered when he was sent away...
He wept for missing you... he thought of you every night... he cried out for you when his grief was unbearable.
He's too weak to be here with you as he wishes... and so you have the demon he really is instead.
/bowing my head, those horns that curl back above the silvery hair that look more like ash and snow on my head than the fire that was once there, I draw in a shuddering breath and curl my fingers, talons pressing against your skin for a brief moment before I draw my hands away/
He hasn't died, and he won't die, nor will he ever want to leave you alone... but he...
I... I am sorry. I don't deserve this. You never should have come.
/for a brief instant those features, sharp and drawn, ashen, come to soften, a blush on my cheeks and my eyes warm and sweet by comparison to the lifeless coal black gaze I've fixed you in until now, and in that moment my hands comes to press feebly against your bare chest and I turn my head away from you/
I can't do this. I can't. I can't!
I would rather die than take any more from the only man I've ever loved.

@✞ eunki h。 /the tattoo on the inside of my wrist almost seems to dance beneath the firelight as i keep my hand outstretched towards you, frowning for a moment more
i'm afraid you're the only thing i know here
/admits softly, sadly, my own mind foreign to me but you're the only familiar face i know and wish to remember, even after everything and our history within minds themselves
/as you take my hand i pull you in against me, the flames flickering before they encircle you as well, no warmth from them but a strange icy kind of heat instead, sharp and unforgiving but not harming you or i
/as those weights appear around you my frown only deepens, my other hand still at my side before i lift it and hover it over your collar
you don't obey me...
/hating seeing someone once so free and high spirited chain themselves, for what i can only assume is me, i shake my head and coil one of the flames about my fingertips
you don't serve me, eunki. your don't serve anyone
/with a flick of my fingers i snap the collar away from your throat, letting it tumble into the flames below before i do the same for the rest of your shackles
don't you ever forget that
/winds both arms around your now, stroking over your back as the flames are gone from my fingertips, reflected in the dark pools of my eyes whilst i look down at you
i came here to help free you. not... not that
/more of the dim light spreads around us, the darkness recoiling before vague familiar shapes begin to surround us instead, the fires dying down gradually too
where has my spring time gone? has he truly left me alone...?

@✞ yunho j。 /the sound of your voice draws my attention, head turning, gaze pointed off in the dark toward the sound, but only darkness greets me still and I hug my form, this form that feels so unnatural to me now, and my curved nails like talons prick at my pale, graying skin; the sight of the flames that appear draws me to follow, that light all I have to go by in searching for you until, following the trail, passing by dark walls that seem more like a spiritual labyrinth with the figures that shift and pulse within them, expressions contorted but difficult to make out; at last, I see you, your body bare to me, only the flames that seem to wreathe you concealing anything from sight when everything else is darkness/
My l--
/the word tastes like ash on my tongue, though not because it's speaking of a sentiment I don't feel, if anything only feel that much more raw in the darkness and in this shape before you, but because I know that I have no right to speak that word; if anything it feels like I've been stripped of it, and perhaps it's that thought which sees a single accessory to greet my figure, a rigid iron collar materializing about my neck, a short length of chain from it, a poor replacement for the fine golden links I once claimed as my own/
You don't hide from this...
/remarking quietly on how you stand before me in this form, I say nothing of that one command as you hold out your hand to me; regardless of my thought of the flames that surround you, trusting they won't hurt me, and yet believing I deserve any hurt you might wish to do me, I step toward you, my hand slipping into yours fingers sliding across your own, sharp talons held in such a way so as not to cut you with them/
Lead me wherever you wish...
/more words turn that heavy iron collar, a yoke about my neck, from unchained to being attached to the cuffs that then come to circle my wrists, the cold iron biting into my skin, an all too literal representation of the servitude I once escaped while standing at your side/
I can do nothing but obey.

@✞ eunki h。 /my mind is ironically somewhere i haven't ventured much of, or rather explored, especially considering the truths within it i didn't know the existence of myself
/darkness fills almost all the spaces as i flat around in the pitch black, feeling lost but not anxious i figure i've grown accustomed to the empty spaces you left behind after i shut myself down on that parting
/the sound of a voice in the distance, muffled and almost sounding underwater has me turning my head towards it, moving closer without a figure to show for it as i'm just a part of the darkness for now
/watches you for a moment, the form you show familiar but foreign at the same time, realising you can't see me though and i need to change that
i'm here
/calls as a blue flame flickers to life in the darkness, a trail of them lighting up a pathway for you to follow through the darkness as flashes of faces pass by here and there among the writhing dark walls
/when you've followed them there's a ring of the blue flames, circling a larger one in the middle before it grows and grows, flickering and changing until my form appears to you, as bare as your own but partially concealed by the blue and white tendrils of fire
i'm here
/repeats my sentiment from earlier, my face lifting as i look at you quietly, light slowly beginning to seep through the rest of my mind, nothing blinding but dim, cold but ushering the darkness away at least
/there's no judgement at your current form, just a kind of sadness in my eyes whilst i look at you, back in the place where you betrayed me what feels like so long ago now
/without a word i reach my hand out towards you, the flames not dying down but i'm sure you know they won't harm you as i don't intend on doing so, in fact my being here despite everything should be proof enough
...come, eunki

@✞ yunho j。 /though it had been my intent to get up, to get myself something to drink, to still the thrumming of my heart in my throat and to settle my stomach, you rise from your spot and I'm left looking up into eyes I can hardly recognize save for the familiar scar that extends from the left/
You...
/bowing my head, I look toward your knees, my gaze seeming least offensive so long as I direct it away from your face, your core, to the extremity of your being; while you stress that I feed my hands curl helplessly into fists on my thighs, and at last when you say please, I lift my gaze in time to see you lie back and bring your head toward my lap; with your eyes closed, your body settling into sleep so quickly, I dare to bring a hand to your hair, fingers brushing through your dark locks as I peer over your sleeping face and murmur quietly to myself as I close my eyes/
I wish I could go back.
/focusing is all the more difficult when I haven't fed in over two months, my body fatigued, and what I'm able to project to your mind is not the man you knew, nor even the one who sits with your head in his lap; your mind is dark, cold, a single light all that I can cast and it's far from me as I enter into your subconscious/
I'm sorry...
/the voice that leaves my lips is haunted, rasping, far from sweet as if coming from a burned throat while the click of feet on the floor are a reminder that they aren't the bare feet I've come to watch slowly disappearing out of normal sight beneath the curve of my growing, pregnant belly; when I look down at myself, through the darkness, I can barely make out my own shape, , clothing too much effort to project, and leaving my thin unguligrade legs exposed while one hand rests against the exaggerated curve of my belly and my other arm crosses over my chest/
Are you there?
/with each step, my long, thin, spaded tail swings almost lifelessly behind me, the motion the only thing causing it to move like a dead appendage; in the dark it seems impossible to find you, and in the cold there's little energy to really be gained here, and for a brief moment I wonder if I've truly stepped into someone else's mind as a horned, tailed, hoofed demon with coal dark eyes rather than the flower you once knew and loved/

@✞ eunki h。 but its not enough for /you/
/grinds the words out between clenched teeth, irritated how you put such little emphasis on the importance of your own life, wondering why it should make such a difference to me now of all times too
/already knowing the answer i sigh to myself, closing my eyelids for a tired moment before i lift my hands to my face, running both down my features as i'm more annoyed at myself than you at this point
maybe i am suggesting that, eunki. i don't know what else to do other than to sacrifice a part of myself to save you
and... and i'd do it in a heartbeat but when will enough be enough?
/speaking as the man from my past life now i carry the same burden and age of torment on my shoulders, feeling as if i've spent all my years awake without respite or sleep and it shows in my features
/as you shift i lower my hands and turn my head to watch you get up, glancing at your moments as you seem ready to get up
no-
/rising from my spot first i look down at you then, the embers of the blue flame coiled up in the depths of my usually warm eyes whilst i gaze at you
if you need something tell me and i'll get it for you
/not wanting to sacrifice any more of myself in fear of nothing being left of the original me, i leave the fears behind in favour of slowly sinking down onto the sofa beside you
i'm giving you permission to... to-
/gestures vaguely at my head, feeling i have no other choice but i won't, i /refuse/ to lose you to your own pride and needs, the fact you won't even use someone else's dreams pushing me close to the edge as i wonder, hope, that this is the last time i have to give something up
you have to feed
you /have/ to, eunki. so don't make me say it again
/my tone is firm, jaw set before i slowly lift my face and gaze back at you, frowning as i pull my brows together and then seem to soften from being so tired
... please
/leaning in i turn to lay on my back, bringing my head to your lap as i rest it there whilst my legs are pulled up, my hands resting over my stomach whilst i shut off those spheres of mine behind closed eyelids
/the silent promise of waiting for you as i give into my general tired feeling even this reprieve of sleep can't fix, i begin to drift off to sleep just like that, proving to be the same man from all those years ago, even if things are drastically different and i've been wounded again but with an unseen scar this time

@✞ yunho j。 He shouldn't mind.
/there's an apologetic cast to my features when you ask me not to say what I have the way that I've said it, and I focus my attention instead on the envelope; when you insist that I give it back to my brother, I'm reluctant to agree, and it's only out of a sense of helplessness that I agree and I turn in my place, dropping the envelope onto the end table beside the sofa/
I-I've been eating mortal food. It's enough for the baby.
/it's the only explanation I can really offer when you mention the tight spot I've left you in, and while it's something I want to apologize for, to promise that I'll do better, to throw myself at your feet, I know it will make no difference and we'll only continue in circles until you walk away from me/
I wouldn't think you want me to die... I don't... I don't see you that way.
/when you mention harming myself over the bond I feel to you, I draw up a hand, preemptively brushing the pad of my finger against my waterline, catching a tear before it has a chance to fall and swiping it away/
You still sound like you're suggesting that I feed from someone else.
/murmuring quietly, I glance down at my hands, long fingers curling into my palms, my knuckles looking bloated and arthritic just from the weight and vigor that I've lost/
I don't want to feed from anyone else, and it's not just because of our baby.
If anything, if it were only a matter of our child, I might have taken my brother's offer before...
/realizing that must sound pathetic to you, I feel more like a child than a grown adult, and I feebly grab at the edge of the blanket once more, pushing it off of myself and carefully drawing up my legs and then settling them on the floor, making efforts not to accidentally touch you in the process/
I-I'll be back...

@✞ eunki h。 that's probably for the best. at least for now. i'll come visit you regularly and make sure you're getting better. if your brother doesn't mind me visiting that is
/having the distinct feeling your brother won't mind me visiting when all i'm trying to do is help you, it does make me sigh a little as i lean back a little for a moment and rub the back of my head, not looking at you for now as i don't want to see your tear-ridden features
don't-
...don't say it like that, please
/the way you phrase me trying to help you with the dreams in particular sounds like something a lot less emotionally connected and i hate how it sounds, as if its some kind of transaction or deal
/holds up my hand when you try to give me the envelope, refusing to take it from you as i have the tatters of my pride left at least and i'd like to keep them as much as i can for now
i don't want the money. kindly give it back to your brother, please
/lowers my hand back to my side before i run it through my hair, still sitting on the floor but leaning against the bottom of the sofa, towards you this time
we have to get you some food. you need to eat, you know that
so you've left me in a bit of a tight spot, eunki. i want to help you but a part of me- a part of me feels almost violated after trusting you so much but being kept from a very important part of me you knew and withheld
regardless... you need to feed or you're going to-
/inhales before i sigh deeply, bowing my head forward as i look forlornly at the floor, speaking softer, quieter, barely even above a whisper
look despite how i might come across as of late i don't actually want you to die. i don't even want you like... like /this/. harming yourself because of a bond to me
if we're to get through any of this, i don't want it to just be for the child. that never works out for relationships. it'd have to be for us too, if not first

@✞ yunho j。 I don't know what I expected.
/when you mention needing time, I keep my head bowed against my arm, my breathing slow and growing a little deeper as I try to force myself to calm down; while all I wish is that I could push myself into your arms and feel the weight of them around me again, it's all too clear that it isn't going to happen, not now/
I'm sorry...
/murmuring quietly, I draw another deep breath, slowly lifting my head to look at you, my hands reaching for the blanket when you mention that olive branch and I find myself dragging it up toward my chin, my toes hooking against the bottom of the blanket to keep it from leaving my legs as I draw it up; that small gesture is almost an attempt to hide, and when my eyes finally dry they only look red, a little less dull, but at the cost of so many tears/
Okay... th-then I'll stay here for now... s-so...
/stopping in what I'm saying, as if those words that I thought might have somehow helped only seem that much more juvenile and hurtful now as they pass my lips; it's a slow realization of course that all I'm doing is hurting myself as I sit looking at you, the lids of both eyes already puffy and swollen from so many tears, though I do my best to remain strong when I see that hardened look of yours/
I just mean... wh-whatever it is you'll offer... I'll take.
/my voice is partially shaken, the remnant of my tears making me still sound brittle and frail, but what little strength is left in me manages to hold back the tears so that when I lift a sleeved arm to dry my face this time it remains dry; but so afraid that anything I might say might send you away from me, I remain quiet, as if waiting for you to speak, though before I can, I reach beneath the blanket and grab the envelope, pulling it up to offer it toward you/
You... you should take this though.

@✞ eunki h。 i wish i could. read your mind, i mean. it would have made so much stuff easier. different at the very least...
the point is, you say that's my child so freely but you never treated it as such when you knew. i can go blue in the face reasoning why you should have told me but that's not going to get either of us anywhere
/sitting there beside you, i leaning my head against my own arm as i feel more than a little fatigued now, feeling as if i'm going round in frustrating circle after frustrating circle with you and they only seem to be getting worse
what do you expect, eunki? for me to be kind and welcoming? to forgive you? to let you say and do those intimate things, as simple as saying my name without problem?
i'm really, really trying right now. but you need to understand i need time
/runs my hand down my face, my lashes damp but i'm still too stubborn to spill any more tears, especially when you're crying enough for the both of us it seems
i'm offering you an olive branch right now. it might not be a full one with an abundant amount of leaves, but i'm trying and if that beginning isn't enough then maybe we need to rethink this whole thing
/losing patience now as i look at you, i desperately need you to see what i'm trying to say otherwise the itching need to walk right back out that door is going to become overwhelming
i'm not saying its going to be magically fixed over night
i'm not naive.. not /that/ naive. not any more
/unsure if i even want to hear any more of the 'truth' from you, i venture away from the topic of it for now, instead giving you a hardened look as it seems i've reach the end of my rope for now
but that's what i'm offering. to sort something out, to help you feed somehow and begin looking after and preparing for this child

@✞ yunho j。 You can't know everything. You couldn't know what was happening because I didn't tell you, and you couldn't know this would happen because you can't... you can't read my mind, or know what was to happen.
/mumbling quietly, all I can hear is you say that spring has left you, and yet I want to cry out that it's not something I did by choice, that I may no longer be spring but I wouldn't have left your side if there was a place there for me/
I'm not... I'm not going to kill myself.
/while I might argue that my true nature won't allow me to die, it would only be a matter of passing from this plane and losing the form I had taken, I keep quiet, knowing that this form and this plane are integral to who I am, who I wished to be/
Do I? Because I sit here and all I can think is that you'll never look at me again.
And I don't know that my heart can bear that thought.
/the way you look away from me, off to the side, taking your name from me, it's all just sign that you're well and truly done with me, that you have been since you sent me away that day, the existence of this child seems to do little but complicate what might have been easy for you; it's that thought which hurts more, even when you say it's possible, and I bow my head into my arms, hiding my face, and hiding my tears/
It isn't that easy...
/whimpering quietly, I have to rub my hands over my face, palms slicked with salty tears, my lungs coming to ache even as these tears seem to come without sobs, the change in my breathing enough of a strain/
I'm sorry.
/my hands continue to rub over my face, the little peek of my cheeks or chin or forehead that appear growing a little pinker each time they show up; much as I want to keep myself from crying, weakened by this, it's the thought of having lost you even while you sit beside me that plagues me/
But you can't even touch me... you won't touch me.
You won't even let me say your name.
It's not so easy to stop my tears when all I wanted at this point was to be happy and to know that you're happy to know this child is yours... But I've ruined all of that, and even if I promise you now that I will tell you everything regardless of what I might think, I know it won't be enough.

@✞ eunki h。 anything would have been better than this... i should have been more careful. i should have realised anything from me like this would have just hurt you
and look, it has
/reaches a hand out, hovering my fingertips over your silvery hair, frowning to myself before i let my hand fall away just shy of actually having touched you at all
spring has gone and left me...
/murmurs under my breath softly, my hand itching to reach out and stop you from treating yourself so hardly but i can't find myself or the strength to do so, not yet at least
/sighs heavily and out of frustration when you won't take the simplest answer when it comes to having kept yourself healthy, the thought of it surely irritating me too but i tell myself i have no right to those feelings, not any more
i can't watch you kill yourself
/as you curl in on yourself i sit down on my backside, knees bent and arms resting over the tops of them whilst i bow my head, turning it and my gaze to the side while you speak
that's a question you already know the answer to
/especially now with my knowledge of the child, i'm not sure how i'm supposed to go about this for now but i know i can't just let this go on as it is, so i have no choice really but a part of me still wants to help of course as i'm not heartless, no matter how harmed i am by the very person i help
it'll take some organising but its possible
/focusing on the colder more factual factors of this, rather than anything linked to emotions which i don't think i can handle right now, i glance at you briefly, those tears of yours included
enough... please. no more crying

@✞ yunho j。 /when you pick me up there's no gasp of surprise, no swell of emotion in my heart, no real outward reaction other than leaning into you, head bowed and hiding my face when I lean into your shoulder and my arms wrap about my belly as if this form of nearly holding our child might offer some comfort/
You don't need to--
/even as I protest, I end up biting my tongue as you set me down on the sofa and drape the throw from the back of the sofa over me which I reach for, fingers working over the fabric as if knitting it while I keep my face bowed, hair in my eyes, expression largely obscured while such heavy tears continue to fall/
How am I to do it? What should I have done?
Should I have sat outside of the orphanage and hoped your mind would be unguarded so I could plead with you in your dreams to let me?
/letting go of the edge of the blanket, I draw up a hand, fingers brushing beneath my eyes, the skin left red and raw from the consistent rubbing now to the point that it begins to physically hurt to shed tears/
Because I wouldn't take anyone else.
I wouldn't let anyone else touch me while I carry your child, not even in dreams.
/murmuring quietly, my fingers leave my eyes and rise to the front of my hair, gathering my fringe between my fingers and tugging at the front of my hair, feeling just as helpless when you ask me if I care/
I do care... of course I care.
This baby is everything I wanted. But I can't... I can't let someone else touch me, not after you, especially not when I'm pregnant with our... your child.
/with my elbows coming toward my knees and my knees sliding up, thighs coming back toward either side of my belly as I practically curl into myself and remain hidden within myself/
Don't you remember what I looked like that first night with you?
The men who let me in, my kind in, they aren't kind.
/the thought of Junki's offer briefly comes to mind, and I turn my head to look toward you as you kneel beside the couch and for a brief moment, beside all the anger and heartache and feelings of loss and disappointment and even self-loathing now when I look at you, I find my voice for something more direct/
Could you ever let me back into your life? Not even back into your mind... but your presence?

@✞ eunki h。 /looks at you quietly as you tell me what your intentions were, something inside of me looking so... so tired, like i carry the days and nights of the man you've seen in my past, in my dreams
...then you should have been honest with me, eunki
/murmurs with the anger having fizzled out, all that's left is disappointment and hurt left in my voice, emotions i don't want to hide and don't feel i should all things considered
all i ever asked for was honesty, its all i ever ask from anyone
no matter what you did. no matter what you will do. its all i still ask, honesty and for you not to make decisions for me
/the end of my sentence is spoken in a firmer tone, not willing to have you lie to me about anything else, wondering now if there /is/ anything else for you to lie to me about as well
/stepping inside after you i refuse to look at you whilst you cry, my own jaw set as i refuse to let any more of my own tears fall, knowing its not going to make you feel any better if i keep crying
/when you turn back towards me my natural instinct is to step away, moving to the side and out of your way as you close the door behind us, waiting for you to walk inside as i glance down at your bare feet whilst taking my own shoes off
/sighing to myself, a creature of habit, no matter how many times i'm harmed i can't stop the nurturing side of me as i find myself picking you up bridal style, carrying you through to the lounge i find and setting you down, draping a blanket over you afterwards
tell me what to do...
you can't keep starving. so you know what you need to do to feed. so do i. so do it
you can't.... you can't do this to yourself, to the child, to /me/
/unable to fathom why you can't do this one thing to ensure your own health and safety, i know normally it would be cruel of me to ask but its not just us any more, though i'm not sure 'us' is the right word either
/lifting my head slowly, having found myself kneeling beside the sofa at your side, i take my time in finding your own gaze as well, the shadows under my eyes relaying just how tired i am, the kind of tired sleep doesn't fix
... don't you care?

@✞ yunho j。 All I wanted was for you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. I wanted my autumn, my knight, the love of my life to have the happiness and love he was-- is so deserving of...
/catching myself and that slip of the past, as if leaving it linger would be the final nail in a coffin I lie in already, I can only weep as I stand before you with no signs of it ceasing as the tears roll down toward my jaw/
I never thought of you as cold or heartless, I have only ever known gentleness and love from you when it came to me.
But I also saw how hurt you looked that day we parted, and I couldn't... I couldn't bring myself to make it any worse for you.
/when you make it seem as if I leave you no choice, I find myself wanting only to disagree with you, and yet I know that if you asked me to feed from another, to move on, to let go that I would refuse and that's what keeps my mouth closed; as you press the envelope to my chest, I bring a hand to my face, fingertips wiping furiously at my red-rimmed eyes this time, as if I could dry all my tears with pain instead/
Please...
/you turning me around has me drawing a shuddering breath when I clasp a hand over the envelope to keep it from falling, my tears soiling the rich paper as it leeches them from my shaking fingers, and yet when you say you'll come with me I take a heavy step forward, then another, so much effort required in those few heavy steps until I reach the doorstep and step inside the front door, bare feet aching from the cold of the cement while I turn back toward you, reaching feebly for the knob to close the door after you/

@✞ eunki h。 do you? do you know what you need, eunki?
beyond looking after the child inside of you. do you know what you need? /you/ specifically? because i don't think you do
/the idea of you dying, of me losing you and living in a world where you don't exist, even if we're not together, it tears at the seams of my existence and makes the pain bubble over into anger
so what would you have me do instead? walk away knowing what i do now?
to let you /die/? because you're killing yourself, eunki
you're killing yourself...
/whispers the last part, the fire in my eyes sputtering in and out of life as i look at you quietly, remembering conversations of how happy i'd be having children with you now and it makes me all the more angry and hurt
i know you must think i'm so heartless and cold that you couldn't even come to me about this. but if you think i'm that bad i don't care about whether you live or die then-
/runs my tongue between my lips for a moment, feeling how dry they are before i inhale deeply once more, forcing my chin to stop wobbling as i hate feeling childish in front of you for crying, though i don't hold you to the same judgement
then... then you don't know me at all
/sighs the last few words softly, looking up to the sky before i close my eyelids heavily, running a hand through my hair in utter frustration before i let it drop back down to my side
i can't... i can't watch you do this
i don't care what i have to do but i'm not letting you kill yourself. no wonder your brother did this. i wish he'd done it sooner since you seem happy to die without my say in anything
/rests my hands on my hips before i take the envelope from my pocket, walking over to you where i press it gently to your chest and turn you around, nudging you up towards the doorway but knowing you'll be hesitant to go without me, without coming to some conclusion
go inside, eunki. i'll come with you

@✞ yunho j。 I know what I am, and I know what I need. I know that...
/unaware of where your own thoughts have gone, I'm left feeling small, and lonely, perhaps lonelier in front of you now than I have those nights in bed while I held the phone, wanting nothing more than to call you and be heard/
I know that now. I made a mistake. And every night before I go to sleep I pay for that mistake when I think of you who I miss and of our child who won't have the life that I wanted for him or her from the moment I knew.
/seeing that blue flame appear in your eyes leaves me feeling all the smaller, my voice growing quieter, my very existence feeling as if it might disappear if not for the child I'm still carrying/
It's not my intention to. But when the only man that I love feels that I've betrayed him... that all I've done is take from him... what am I to do?
What should I ask you? Forgive me? Take me back? Love me like you did before? Let me feed from you so that I can live more of a life than as carrier for our child?
Why would I cause you more pain by asking you those things?
/my bottom lip quivers right alongside yours and I finally dare to draw a hand up, fingers trembling as I wipe at my tears, knowing that one pass of my hand will not stem the flow but trying nonetheless/
You would know as well as I do the last time that I fed since I was lying in your arms and in your dreams.
/glancing down toward my feet, the tears that fall anew come to hit the pavement between us, leaving dark splotches with jagged edges on the grey cement/
I won't feed from anyone else... not anymore. I love you too much to feel anyone else in my veins that way.
So here I stand... an ugly wreck, a spring claimed by winter, because I lost the man I loved and the only person I have to blame is myself.